The following is satirical.
The Administration is projecting an upbeat attitude of confidence about the coronavirus, saying they have extensive measures in place and they feel absolutely certain some people will survive.
Chief Medical Officer Dr. Fiddle D. Hapless says the government has already purchased several face masks and bottles of Purell to defend against the virus if it should somehow seep into any place where there’s somebody important.
Dr. Hapless says it is possible that things may get worse, and if they do, he hopes someone will send the news to his underground bunker.
However in a statement released through an iron tube that poked out of the earth and then quickly withdrew again, Dr. Hapless says he does not believe that things will get as bad as they did in that movie where they peeled Gwyneth Paltrow’s face off, though if people think that would help they can give it a try.
So far the virus has had its widest spread in China, where the Communist government has instituted the usual party policy of arresting anyone who talks about it, spraying people in the face with something toxic and horrible, and forcing people to remain in their homes until they die, then report to the local party headquarters for burial.
In Italy, the spread of the disease has caused officials to consider forming a government but they can’t see why they should change their way of life now.
On Wall Street, investors reacted to news of the virus in their usual calm and collected manner, selling off massive amounts of anything with the letter C in it or that otherwise reminded them of the word Corona, and investing heavily in Kleenex and hooded black robes suitable for roaming through the empty streets while ringing a bell and chanting, “Bring out your dead.”
Other investors simply wolfed down the donuts in the break room, then threw themselves out the nearest window.
However, in Washington the Trump administration continues to insist that everything is under control, except, of course, Trump.