Absurd Evangelicals Blame Sin For Everything From The Coronavirus To The Fact That The Moon Has Turned To Blood [Satire]

Blood moon on night sky
Marko Grzunov via Getty Images

The following is satirical.

Americans all across this great land from Third Avenue in Manhattan all the way to Seventh Avenue are outraged by the comments of conservative pastors who say the nation’s recent problems are a punishment for sin.

In the New York Times, a former newspaper, Editor-in-Chief Blithering Prevarication the Third published a tirade on the op-ed page, or as it’s sometimes called Knucklehead Row.

Mr. Third wrote: “It is absolutely disgusting that conservative preachers with laughably thin necks and narrow faces are blaming sinfulness for everything from the Absolutely Not Chinese Virus to the recent mostly peaceful riots to the fact that the moon has turned to blood to the frogs raining down on my Park Avenue Townhouse and the swarm of locusts that descended on our garden devouring over $75,000 worth of transplanted saffron crocuses which Buffy, my fourth wife, and I had been hoping to use to dye our sailing outfits a fetching shade of yellow before heading out to the Hamptons for the summer. The primitive notion that these could be anything other than natural occurrences becomes all the more offensive once you realize that I don’t even allow any wrong opinions to appear in my newspaper anymore so what sin could there possibly be?”

LGBTQMNOPXYZ Activist Herman Aphrodite, a spokesman for the Society in Favor of Screwing Anything that Moves, declared the pastors’ comments homophobic in a wildly shrieking voice as he was being carried off by a gigantic bat with a human face.

Planned Parenthood Spokeswoman Carmine Slaughter also denounced the pastors, saying, “It is long past time this sort of backward religiosity was cleared away so we can get down to work sucking out the brains of babies and selling their body parts for cash.”

Ms. Slaughter said she found the pastors’ remarks ugly and absurd and something else that was impossible to make out after she was dragged beneath the earth by a small army of flaming skeletons.

Supreme Court Justice Neil Gorsuch was unavailable for comment.

More satire from Andrew Klavan: Totally Reliable Experts Predict Virus Curtailed By Mass Protests Will Start To Spread Again If Trump Holds Rallies

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