Opinion

Totally Reliable Experts Predict Virus Curtailed By Mass Protests Will Start To Spread Again If Trump Holds Rallies [Satire]

   DailyWire.com
NEW YORK, UNITED STATES - 2020/06/15: Protesters hold placards during the demonstration. Protests continue against police brutality and racial injustice in New York City. (Photo by John Lamparski/SOPA Images/LightRocket via Getty Images)
John Lamparski/SOPA Images/LightRocket via Getty Images

The following is satirical.

Scientific Experts from the Union of Scientific Experts Who Are Totally Reliable This Time — or USEWTRTT — are expressing concern that the spread of the Chinese Virus, which had been brought to a standstill by radical left protests, may begin again if Donald Trump starts holding rallies.

USEWTRTT Spokesman Doctor Seymour Mendacious, who has a PHD in Amazingly Accurate Predictions, said that computer models from the Absolutely Believable Computer Model company are predicting with amazing accuracy that if Trump holds rallies, the virus could suddenly spread to totally innocent people at utterly peaceful riots, and may even cause them to drop the TV they were heroically rescuing from the burning electronics store.

At a press conference made from behind a podium manufactured by the Extremely Serious Looking Podium Company, Dr. Mendacious produced the computer models from the Absolutely Believable Computer Model Company and told journalists from the Completely Honest News Network — or CHNN — that the spread could be worsened by the virus’s systemic racism.

Dr. Mendacious said “We at the Union of Scientific Experts Who Are Totally Reliable This Time would like to tell you — of the Completely Honest News Network — that this is a particularly nasty disease in the way it virulently spreads from irresponsible gatherings of Trump supporters to strike down people performing essential tasks like gathering en masse to blame the police for things. What’s more, the disease harms mostly women because they’re the ones who must mourn their husbands and fathers, while the men have been put out of their misery by a slow and painful death.”

Dr. Mendacious went on to say, “Seeing as the computer models from the Absolutely Believable Computer Model Company are absolutely believable, we are recommending that every business in the entire galaxy be shut down until the economy is so bad people vote for Democrats out of sheer hunger-driven stupidity, or until I get my medical degree, whichever comes first.”

More satire from Andrew Klavan: Celebrity: I Take Responsibility For All The Rotten Stuff You’re Doing

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