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A Media Guide For Distinguishing Conservatives From Alt-Right Lunatics [Satire]

By  Andrew Klavan
The front pages of The New York Times, New York Post, New York Daily News and Baltimore Sun newspapers are seen at a convenience store in Washington, DC, on August 6, 2019. (Photo by Alastair Pike / AFP) (Photo credit should read ALASTAIR PIKE/AFP via Getty Images)
ALASTAIR PIKE/AFP via Getty Images

The following is satirical.

There seems to be some confusion in the media about the difference between the Right and the Alt-Right. For instance, the Alt-Right is famously anti-Semitic and yet The New York Times, a former newspaper, has associated them with Orthodox Jew Ben Shapiro in such sentences as, “Ben Shapiro is Alt-Right, and if you believe that, we have a yarn about Trump colluding with the Russians you’re really going to love, you sucker.” I guess the New York Times isn’t even pretending anymore.

In any case, as a public service to the Times and other dishonest organs of misinformation strangling on their hatred of ordinary people’s freedom, here is a handy guide on how to distinguish between right-wingers, who believe in the noble concepts of liberty handed down to us by our forefathers, and Alt-Righters, who are sniggering little femboys spewing hatred on YouTube. It’s a subtle distinction but with a little help, even the New York Times might figure it out.

One. Real right-wingers come in all different skin colors and religions and no religion and various sexualities and also include a startling number of women who somehow manage to be extremely intelligent and also smoking hot, which is an amazing side benefit of the whole movement.

Alt-Righters have never been with a woman because they hate everybody who doesn’t look like them, and, I mean, look at them.

Two. Real right-wingers believe in ordered liberty as established over centuries of western history and enshrined in the Constitution.

Alt-Righters don’t even believe the Holocaust happened, so they’re evil melonheads.

Three. Real right-wingers believe in essentially Christian principles, like a fallen humanity made in the image of God and therefore deserving of equality and freedom.

Alt-Righters express their “Christian principles” by waving rosaries at people, then doing absolutely nothing they were commanded to do by Jesus, because they found out he was a Jew.

I hope this handy guide will help the media either distinguish between right-wingers and Alt-Right-wingers, or get stuffed.

Related: WATCH: Shapiro Dismantles The Alt-Right And Radical Left’s ‘Dangerous Game’

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