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A Guide To Impeachment For Congressmen And Others Who Have Never Read The Constitution [Satire]

By  Andrew Klavan
House Intelligence Chairman Rep. Adam Schiff (D-CA) speaks to the media one day after House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) announced that Democrats will start an impeachment injury of U.S. President Donald Trump, on September 25, 2019 in Washington, DC. Yesterday Pelosi announced a formal impeachment inquiry after allegations that President Donald Trump sought to pressure the president of Ukraine to investigate leading Democratic presidential contender, former Vice President Joe Biden and his son, which was the subject of a reported whistle-blower complaint that the Trump administration has withheld from Congress. (Photo by Mark Wilson/Getty Images)
Mark Wilson/Getty Images

The following is satirical.

There’s been a lot of talk about impeachment lately. For instance, Adam Schiff recently issued a statement saying, “I’m not someone who ordinarily talks about impeachment while I’m going to the bathroom but in this case I’ll make the same exception I’ve made every day since November of 2016.”

But what is impeachment? How does it work? And why does Adam Schiff look like that? Is it, like, a curse or a disease or something or maybe the result of some sort of accident?

But maybe that’s beside the point.

The point is: It’s time for a civics lesson on how impeachment works.

Impeachment is a process for removing a president from office so that Mike Pence will become president and outlaw rainbows and then all the unicorns will come and stab him and then your party will have the power instead of the bad orange party. The process of impeachment is laid out in Articles One and Two of the Constitution, and before the process of impeachment can begin, each member of the House of Representatives must assign an intern to find a copy of the Constitution and pretend to have read it. Then the Congressman himself must stare at the articles until the liquor kicks in and the words blur and become meaningless. Of course, he will have already done that with the rest of the Constitution before taking office.

Article Two says the president can be impeached for treason, bribery or other high crimes and misdemeanors such as being Republican or attempting to stop the slow spread of federal power until it swallows every last trace of liberty like the blob in the movie of the same name.

After pretending to read the Constitution, a congressman must then go on TV and talk crap while his friend the interviewer looks very serious even though they both know its crap, it’s just that obvious.

Finally, the congress takes a vote and then everyone goes back to doing whatever they were doing before.  Namely nothing.

Related: Limbaugh: Everything Media’s Telling You About Trump Impeachment Is A Lie

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