12 Laugh-So-You-Don’t-Cry Moments From The Great Student Revolt of 2015


We’re now beyond the point of parody.

In order to create a “safe space” for the free exchange of ideas, students now want to destroy the First Amendment outright. Following on the flaming hot-takery of Mizzou Student Vice President Brenda Smith-Lezama telling MSNBC that the First Amendment ought to be curbed to avoid “create a space where we can all learn from one another and start to create a place of healing,” Amherst College students have now issued a list of demands for campus administrators, including a demand that the administration actively punish those responsible for a “Free Speech” poster. Here’s the poster:

free speech posters

Here’s the protestors’ demand:

President Martin must issue a statement to the Amherst College community at large that states we do not tolerate the actions of student(s) who posted the “All Lives Matter” posters, and the “Free Speech” posters that stated that “in memoriam of the true victim of the Missouri Protests: Free Speech.” Also let the student body know that it was racially insensitive to the students of color on our college campus and beyond who are victim to racial harassment and death threats; alert them that Student Affairs may require them to go through the Disciplinary Process if a formal complaint is filed, and that they will be required to attend extensive training for racial and cultural competency.

They need to get their minds right, or they’ll spend the night in the box.

For free exchange of ideas, you see.

This isn’t the only laugh-so-you-don’t-cry snapshot of the current Pantywaist Fascist Rebellion. Here are some others:

The Poopstika Reichstag Fire. Remember that poop swastika that supposedly sent a savagely racist message to black students on campus? According to police reports uncovered by The Federalist, the poopstika magically appeared on campus after one student used anti-Semitic language targeting another student; that same suspect apparently called a white student a “bitch ass nigga.” Obviously Mizzou President Tim Wolfe needed to do a better job watching his language and his poop, since he was held responsible for all of this.

The Mizzou Race Hoaxing Student Leader. The Mizzou student government president, Payton Head, is black. He claimed that a group of white men in a pickup truck called him the n-word. He never made a claim to the police, but he did issue a social media post about it. Then, just this week, he claimed that “The KKK has been confirmed to be sighted on campus. I’m working with the MUPD, the state trooper and the National Guard.” That turned out to be false. Oopsie.

The Mizzou Race Hoaxing Hunger Striker. The Mizzou hunger striker, Jonathan Butler, began his hunger strike after accusing Wolfe of allowing his driver to hit him with the car during a protest at the homecoming parade. Video shows Butler charging into the car after the driver tried to back away.

The Mizzou Journalism Professor. Professor Melissa Click made headlines when she told a student journalist that he couldn’t enter one of the campus’ myriad safe spaces, then called for “muscle” to take care of him. When he informed her that his activity was protected under the First Amendment, she mocked him. She teaches mass communications at the journalism school.

The Yale Race Hoax. Over at Yale, an assistant professor and her husband both suggested that free speech might be a worthwhile lens with which to view Halloween costumes. This prompted massive demonstrations, coming as it did after accusations that the fraternity Sigma Alpha Epsilon held a “White Girls Only” Halloween party. Except, of course, that there is no evidence such a party ever took place.

The Moldy Lie of Claremont McKenna. The dean of students at Claremont McKenna has now stepped down after attempting to cave to protesters. What drove the initial ire? A junior class president posed on Halloween next to two white women wearing ponchos, sombreros, and mustaches. Protesters wrote a letter to the dean, who quickly said that she thought the campus should do a better job of reaching out to those outside the “CMC mold.” That language was a microaggression. A microaggression so bad they forced her to resign.

The Cal Poly “Tear Down This Free Speech Wall.” Students at Cal Poly San Luis Obispo built a fake Berlin Wall to symbolize free speech. The wall carried comments like “All lives matter” and “Islam is a political movement of violence and oppression.” The Cal Poly Vice President for Student Affairs quickly stood with the protesters who gathered to complain about the wall: “I stood with them and shared in the pain that these students feel when words are used to hurt…Our students were clear that behavior that excludes others has no place at Cal Poly.” Well, unless you disagree. Then you’re excluded.

The KKK’s Favorite Safe Space. Back at Mizzou, the black students fight racism. They fight it so strongly that they ask white people to leave their “safe spaces” so they can have a “black only healing space” to “share, decompress, be vulnerable and real.” The space would not just be separate, but presumably also equal. No word on the status of water fountains in the safe space.

The KKK’s Favorite Anti-Racism Rally. Allies of the black radical movement decided to hold a rally at Cornell to oppose supposed racism on campus. Unfortunately, the organizer was white. So the black students stopped the rally. To end racism. Because they’re racist.

The “Asians Aren’t People Of Color” Moment. At Claremont McKenna, an Asian student had the temerity to tell a story about being the victim of a racist insult from a black guy. She was quickly informed that black people cannot be racist.

The Ithaca Yellers. Following on the controversy at Mizzou, bored idiot students at Ithaca College called for the resignation of President Tom Rochon. Just because. Hilariously, while standing on “Free Speech Rock,” one of the protesters shouted, “We desire his resignation, not his input.” Rochon’s great sin: stating, “In general, the college cannot prevent the use of hurtful language on campus. Such language, intentional or unintentional, exists in the world and will seep into our community. We can’t promise that the college will never host a speaker who could say something racist, homophobic, misogynistic, or otherwise disrespectful.” The protesters disagreed, and thus called for Rochon to shut the hell up, you racist.

All of these people presumably want free education, along with their blood brothers at Million Student March. They couldn’t be making a better case that not one of them should be given a dime to study on the campuses they so despise.