We’ve come a long way since Ann Landers. The prim and proper lady doling out advice via her newspaper column couldn’t have foreseen the 21st century. After all, aren’t we in the Golden Age of technology that will give us the answers to all we seek, diagnose our every ill, and pair us with the perfect mate, thus completing life without the trappings of the search for answers?
Not quite.
Since Landers (the pen name of columnist Ruth Crowley starting in 1947 and later Esther Lederer starting in 1955) got her start, Americans have entered the nuclear age, hit a golf ball on the moon, invented meatless meat, and popularized cat memes. Clearly, we are advancing at a spectacular rate and using technology in ever more innovative ways to advance civilization.
Which brings us to our relationships with each other, specifically men and women.
After we acknowledge that young men and women aren’t exactly living their best lives in the relationship sphere — with only 31% of the rising generation actively dating, according to a comprehensive report from the Institute for Family Studies released in February — the next question is: why?
Ann Landers might say there isn’t enough good old-fashioned guidance out there: Who is helping these youngsters find their true love? Who is giving them confidence and fine-tuning the skills necessary to both present oneself to the opposite sex and to realize what qualities and character a young man, let’s say, is looking for in a girlfriend and, hopefully, someday, a wife?
Fear not! The answer is on any laptop or cellphone, in the very doomscrolling that is preventing people from going on actual dates in the first place. Wait, what?
Men are being catfished into dubious relationship advice by AI slop bots.
There is a burgeoning industry lurking in young men’s social media algorithms, promising relationship advice that will lead to the perfect woman. All that’s needed is a credit card and internet access. Instagram and Facebook (both Meta products) have pages devoted to “relationship coaches” geared toward young men stuck in singledom. The pitch from these relationship gurus is eerily similar, as is the aesthetic of these so-called “experts.” You’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all, with slight variations for the sake of the proprietary nature of the advice. Long, slightly tousled hair, a sculpted nose, pursed and plumped lips, unblinking eyes, and tops cut to be professional yet provocative, showing off and enhancing bronzed, uplifting orbital assets. Remember, these are pages designed to bait young and lonely men. They consist of talking points that sound more like a cross between a low-rent Kahlil Gibran, Rumi, and Stuart Smalley. The pages offer clips that draw men in by massaging their disaffection and assuring them that it’s not their fault they’re single; it’s that the women are no good!
One alluring young woman is Georgia Sterling, who offers this golden nugget of truth: “The same woman who holds the power to elevate your life or completely destroy it is the one you are told you cannot evaluate. And the moment you do, the labels come back at you and suddenly you are called sexist just for thinking critically. This is not random; it is a strategy designed to weaken men’s ability to think clearly and make strong decisions. Because a man without critical thinking becomes easier to control and easier to manipulate and much easier to silence. So men, do not lose your masculinity and do not allow anyone to take away your voice or your right to choose wisely, you are the pillar of society … I offer private, personalized analysis. Link in bio.”
That’s a lot of weighty word salad offering little more than a nod to the Little Rascals’ He-Man Woman Haters Club. Make sure your Venmo information is available.
These relationship-advice experts, who all appear on various unnamed podcasts, have no online record of being podcast guests. They link back to Facebook or personal Linktree pages. When I sent an inquiry to the intriguing Ivanka Hilton, there was no response. Shortly after my Direct Message, Ivanka (who, unsurprisingly, sported long blonde hair and plenty of gaudy jewelry) disappeared. In a subsequent search, other Ivanka Hiltons popped up, but with no activity — yet.
All of this could be dismissed as the growing prevalence of benign AI slop if it weren’t for the disturbing trend of young people struggling to pair up and using these AI “experts” as crutches to nurse their grievances and find excuses to stay home and remain perpetually online. It can be hard to search for a mate when a loud segment of the culture looks down on healthy, monogamous relationships, marriage, and having kids. It’s hard to be vulnerable and risk being hurt or rejected. The easy thing is to stay home, stay online, and listen to the first “girl” who reassures young men that this is okay! You just have high standards! Besides, women either don’t understand your particular masculine needs or they’re going to deceive or cheat on you anyway! (That’ll be $29.99, please.)
Worse, these AI models are perpetuating isolating behaviors, rather than offering a way into a relationship for young men who already tend to avoid “real-life” relationships and are looking for reassurance that that lifestyle is perfectly acceptable.
A March study published in Science examined the sycophantic behavior of AI models in response to people seeking advice on interpersonal and social dilemmas. Stanford University computer scientists showed that AI large language models (LLMs) are overly sycophantic when users solicit advice. According to the Stanford report, “By default, AI advice does not tell people that they’re wrong nor give them ‘tough love,’” said Myra Cheng, the study’s lead author and a computer science PhD candidate. “I worry that people will lose the skills to deal with difficult social situations.” Further, the reinforcing responses were deemed “more trustworthy and indicated they were more likely to return to the sycophant AI for similar questions, the researchers found. When discussing their conflicts with the sycophant, they also grew more convinced they were in the right.”
These young men are being drawn into a world where they can be comforted by a fake beauty who tells them what they want to hear, reinforces their antisocial tendencies, and alienates real women, who are actually the thing these men need most to find purpose, fulfillment, and a life outside the unblinking eye of the virtual world.
What would Ann Landers say about that? You can ask her. She’s now set up as an LLM, trained on her 47 years of advice and published columns. On second thought, go out for coffee and think about it. You might meet someone.
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