Writer Wants To Abolish Mother’s Day and Father’s Day, Replace Them With ‘Guardian’s Day’

Emma Teitel, a columnist for the Toronto Star, recently penned a piece in which she suggested the abolition of Mother’s Day and Father’s Day in favor of a more inclusive “Guardian’s Day.”

For those who need a hearty laugh, continue reading. For those who’d rather not take a trip through the looking glass, beware, for the world into which we have chosen to lower our anchor is governed by insanity.

Teitel writes in part:

Both Mother’s Day and Father’s Day are extremely difficult for people who have lost parents or children, a reality that many who have experienced stillbirth pregnancies, for instance, have begun to write about openly in recent years. The gendered holidays are also generally a drag for non-binary parents who don’t identify with a single gender. Some of these parents have even begun advocating online for the creation of a brand new holiday to recognize parents who aren’t male or female. (A proposed date for “Non Binary Parents Day” is July 17). None of these critics have proposed scrapping Mother’s Day or Father’s Day altogether. But I’m beginning to wonder if that’s exactly what we should do…

…I’d like to propose that we scrap both Mother’s Day and Father’s Day for good. And in the spirit of both inclusivity and selfishness, I’d like to propose a new holiday called “Guardian’s Day.” Guardian’s Day, which has a nice sci-fi fantasy ring to it, will be a rotating statutory holiday — meaning you can celebrate it any day you please, and you can interpret it any way you like. A guardian can be a mom, a dad, a non-binary parent, a grandparent, an aunt, an uncle, a pet owner, or why the heck not — somebody who takes really good care of his houseplants.

Perhaps I was too harsh before. I like Teitel’s thinking. In fact, I have a few other suggestions to make every major holiday more inclusive:

Change Santa Clause’s Gender & Sexual Orientation

The central character of the Christmas season, Santa Clause, is universally depicted as a jolly, bearded, elderly white male. Why can’t Santa Clause be a young trans lesbian suffering from a mental illness? We shouldn’t reinforce the idea that only benevolent white males are gift-givers.

Side note: Christmas should be renamed in order to be more inclusive to those who don’t believe in Christ. Maybe “Annual Gift Obligation Day” — although that may bruise the feelings of those with little income. Here we go — “Voluntary Winter Generosity Day.”

Thanksgiving Should Be A National Day Of Shame

Thanksgiving is a holiday celebrating the invasion of Native American lands, as well as the subsequent mistreatment of the native peoples. Rather than Thanksgiving, Americans should hold a national day of shame during which white people reflect on the sins of their ancestors. The holiday would simply be called “Regret.”

A Holiday For The Obese

While we’re retooling holidays, why can’t we add some new ones celebrating lifestyles that are typically overlooked or even frowned upon. For too long, we have treated Obese individuals poorly, spreading the myth that diet and exercise will make them “healthier,” help them “live longer,” and allow them to “walk up a flight of stairs without needing to lie down for a nap.” How dare we. I propose a holiday celebrating the achievements of the obese. It would be called “The Fruits of the Fat.”

Thank you, Emma Teitel, for opening my eyes to the damaging nature of holidays, and inspiring me to make a real impact.