The following is the opening satirical monologue from “The Andrew Klavan Show.”
Many of you are deeply concerned about the political ramifications of M&M’s, if you’re fat and toothless and have literally not one other thing to think about. As you know, the Mars Candy Company decided to change the look of its advertisement spokes-candies to mollify woke sensibilities after receiving a petition signed by as many as one person, who said that, while he was not usually offended because he had a hard outer shell, he was soft on the inside and the old spokes-candies were so insensitive, they made him feel like he was melting, although not in your hand, only in your mouth. What he was doing in your mouth, I don’t want to know.
In the good old days, when men were men and women were small chocolate globules with an occasional peanut inside, M&M’s were represented in advertisements by lovable anthropomorphic M&M’s who made us smile and chuckle right up until the moment we devoured them, giving us the forbidden thrill of cannibalism along with cavities and a mid-section that looked like an inner tube. Then, the Mars Candy Company started changing the look of the M&M characters to give them — and I cannot emphasize enough that I am not making this quote up but reading it word for word off the press announcement — they wanted to give the talking candies [quote] “more nuanced personalities to underscore the importance of self-expression and power of community through storytelling.” [unquote]
This was widely recognized as the greatest marketing decision since the historic introduction of New Coke on April 23, 1985 between the hours of 9:00 a.m. and 10:17 a.m. when the brand was discontinued because it was the worst marketing decision until the change in the M&M spokes-candies.
The M&M change included making the female green M&M less sexy and more feminist by shortening her legs and replacing her high heels with sneakers, thus destroying the sexual fantasies of 12-year-old boys with deeply disturbed sexual fantasies. Mars also released a new lavender female M&M which they said represented “acceptance,” because she was trans and identified as a Reese’s piece. This went along with a picture they had tweeted showing the brown M&M, also a female, holding hands with the green female M&M with a caption suggesting they were lesbian lovers, thereby restoring the sick fantasies of all the 12-year-old fetishists who were into lesbian love scenes between pieces of chocolate. As a result of the lesbian M&M affair, Catholic priests have banned the candies from taking communion, except for Pope Francis who says all M&M’s are welcome, especially when he gets the munchies after grooving on reefer.
In any case, the M&M changes eventually came under attack from both the right and the left. On his Fox News show, Tucker Carlson said he was absolutely appalled that there could be a news day so incredibly slow he would wind up talking about M&M’s. Feminists meanwhile wanted to know why a feminist M&M couldn’t be sexy and so they had to have it explained to them.
The resulting furor kept the nation riveted to its television sets watching something else entirely, so Mars finally decided to get rid of the M&M spokes-candies altogether by driving them out into the woods, letting them out of the truck for a cigarette break, and then mowing them down with a machine gun. Although maybe that was a scene from the Great Escape, I’m not sure. In any case, the slaughtered M&M’s have now been replaced by actress Maya Rudolph which has ended the controversy because Right and Left can all agree she’s overrated as an actress and should probably just be, like, a spokeswoman for the idiots who make M&M’s.
Now, of course, I wouldn’t be telling this ridiculous story about how wokeism ruins every single thing that ever gave anyone anywhere any fun whatsoever and replaces spontaneous pleasures of even the smallest type with joyless virtue signaling that does jack-diddley-squat to lessen the divisions amongst us but only exacerbates the thoroughly reasonable annoyance we feel with having supercilious moral posturing shoved down our throats like a fistful of M&M’s except without the calories and the tooth-rotting sugar …
Now I can’t remember where that sentence was going. Oh yeah, I wouldn’t be telling this story if it didn’t have a serious moral. No, wait, yes I would. In fact, I just did. Forget I said anything.
Andrew Klavan is the host of The Andrew Klavan Show at The Daily Wire. A popular political satirist and Hollywood screenwriter, Klavan is also an award-winning novelist. His newest novel is A Strange Habit of Mind, book two in the Cameron Winter Mystery series.
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.