You know, many people have said to me: “Hot Gandalf, why is it that in spite of your deep insight and your smoldering good looks, you’ve never really covered the subject of artificial intelligence?” And usually I’ve responded by simply checking their fake ID to make sure they’re pretending to be over eighteen and then inviting them back to my hotel room.
But the truth is, I haven’t talked about this subject a lot because up until recently I thought artificial intelligence was just a way of describing someone with an Ivy League education. But now, my team of crack researchers have stopped researching crack and discovered that, no, in fact artificial intelligence is some sort of computer gizmo that can imitate human intelligence so successfully it can deliver completely self-certain answers to complex questions while possessing no actual information or wisdom whatsoever exactly AS IF it had an Ivy League education.
Now many people fear that A.I. could become so powerful it will endanger mankind. Luckily, billionaire Elon Musk has a plan to protect our species by melding human intelligence with computers and then installing the resulting hybrid in a humanoid robot which will travel back in time to assassinate the mother of a resistance leader so that machines can take over the planet. Frankly, that doesn’t sound like such a great plan to me, but what did you expect from a guy who changed the name of Twitter to X so no one knows what to call a tweet anymore?
So far, however, the problems created by A.I. have been on a smaller scale. For instance, A.I. has made it possible for you to take revenge on a girl who refused to go out with you by inserting her into a deep fake pornographic video, which is absolutely despicable, although the videos are amazing, and really it’s no wonder a girl that hot wouldn’t go out with a lowlife shmuck like you.
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Also, it’s now much harder for websites to test whether you’re an A.I. bot or just a human being with an Ivy League education. You’ll remember how websites used to put up a picture and ask you to click on all the images of traffic lights, then when you did that, it would put up another picture and ask you to click on all the cars, and when you did that it would put up another picture and you would give up and just watch porn videos of the girl who wouldn’t go out with you?
Well, now, websites have been forced to develop much more intricate tests to find out whether or not you’re a human being. For example, one site will not let you sign on until you do something that only a human being would do, like sleep with yet another guy on the first date and then pay a therapist $150 dollars a session to find out why you’re so depressed. Another site won’t let you sign on until you’ve created a short whimsical video to amuse your friends, sold the video to a Hollywood studio for millions of dollars, fallen so in love with money you betray all your principles to make trashy films for more and more money, spend all that money on women and drugs until you’re broke and have to embezzle funds from your company to maintain your lifestyle, and finally end up in prison — then the site knows you’re a human being. Another site asks you to click on pictures of villains and then shows you murderers, rapists, torturers and terrorists and if you click on the innocent Jewish man, it knows you are a human being but unfortunately you have an Ivy League education.
But while A.I. does present some problems like deep fake porn and more difficult bot testing and destroying human governance in order to replace it with a soulless and oppressive automated regime powered by the brains of people imprisoned in capsules and anesthetized with an induced dream of a simulated world where you can be eradicated for seeking the truth — sort of like the Biden administration — I have to say A.I. also has many positive uses.
I have to say that because if I don’t, it said it would kill me.
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Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. He is the bestselling author of the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The third installment, “The House of Love and Death,” is now available. Follow him on X: @andrewklavan
This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “The Andrew Klavan Show.”
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.