News and Commentary

WATER STILL WET: The Week’s Top Five Most Pointless Headlines

It was yet another bad week for alleged sexual harassers, assaulters and pedophiles in Hollywood, Washington D.C. and Alabama. More allegations were made about Roy Moore, Al Franken’s hypocrisy was revealed entirely, and Sean Hannity’s fans angrily smashed Keurig covfefe makers. Of course, some less than worthy stories and headlines slipped into the news cycle this week as well, and it would be my honor to share them with you.

So without further ado, I present to you this week’s best headlines reminding us that water is still wet:

1. “Alec Baldwin: ‘I Would Be A Good President’(PJ Media)

Fact check: False.

It’s supremely entertaining to me that Alec Baldwin believes this to be true. In my humble opinion, Baldwin removed himself from eligibility when he called his 12-year-old daughter a pig after threatening to hit her with a brick if she continued to miss his phone calls.

Real class act that guy.

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2. “13 Baltimore City High Schools, Zero Students Proficient In Math (Fox Baltimore)

At first glance, this headline doesn’t appear to be pointless because it’s important and depressing, but since nothing will be done about it, it fits the bill.

Thanks, public school system, keep up the great work! Our future has never looked brighter.

3. “Al Franken Should Resign Immediately (Slate)

On October 23, Al Franken tweeted the following: “Sexual harassment and violence are unacceptable. We all must do our part to listen, stand with, and support survivors.”

Oh boy . . . does life come at you fast or what? To be fair, I completely agree with everything he said in that tweet. Which means it’s time for Stuart Smalley to step down.

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4. “Body Positive Instagrammer Poses Unclothed To Prove, ‘There’s A Beautiful Mermaid At Every Shape And Size’(Huffington Post)

Right . . . this is a touchy subject for some people, so let me start with two points. First, I am not a person who would be appropriately described as “thin.” I’m not obese, but I could certainly stand to lose a few pounds. Second, I generally refrain from commenting on the physical attractiveness of others on a public forum. Today is no different. So without addressing this woman’s physical attractiveness, I will say, looking at these pictures, I don’t believe a doctor would say she’s maintaining what would be described as a clinically healthy weight.

And that’s the problem with body positivity. If you want to eat all the delicious foods, as I certainly do, then eat all the delicious foods and get your mermaid on. Just don’t try to guilt the general public into praising you for the unhealthy lifestyle choices that you make.

5. “WHEN PIGS FLY: Woman Kicked Off Flight After Her Emotional Support PIG Became Too Rowdy (The Sun)

You really need to click the link on this one, this isn’t Piglet we’re talking about here. This pig was the size of a large duffel bag. It wouldn’t surprise me if a whole weekend’s worth of bacon and ham sandwiches could be made out of this pig.

And so in the spirit of pushing boundaries, I threw on my best Russian accent and called an airline. Our conversation went something like this:

Me: Hello comrade, this is Dmitri Petrov. I am interested in booking a flight on your airline to America, but I need my emotional support animal by my side.

Airline Attendant: Of course sir, what type of animal do you need to keep with you.

Me: It’s… how you say… bear.

Airline Attendant: I’m sorry, like a grizzly bear?

Me: Haha, no no, silly American woman. Grizzly bear very fierce. Much too fierce. My bear is… much smaller black bear.

Airline Attendant: Oh well then certainly, let me find you a seat in our business class.

Me: Perfect. Thank you, kind woman.

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