The regular news cycle this week was rightfully eclipsed by the horrific evil that took place in Las Vegas on October 1. The victims’ families, those injured, and the American public at large, are still trying to make sense of what happened. New details have been slowly trickling out, but frustratingly, the shooter’s motivations are still shrouded in mystery. And because of that, sitting down to write the column this week was a challenge. It’s difficult to make jokes and poke fun when I know so many are hurting so deeply.
My hope is that a few useless headlines will provide a brief moment of respite from the sadness and anger that has weighed so heavily on all our hearts since 58 lives were taken last Sunday. So without further ado, this week’s most pointless headlines:
1. Pumpkin Spice Air Freshener Prompts School Evacuation, Fire Officials Say (NBC – Baltimore)
When I clicked on this article, I was genuinely curious to see if the school was evacuated because administrators were afraid of the pumpkin spice scent turning their student population into “basic b*tches.” It turns out, “hazardous materials crews were called for a strange odor.” Five people at the scene were hospitalized, and “dozens of students were triaged at the scene,” just to play it safe.
Even with all of that, something tells me this event still resulted in fewer hospitalizations than pumpkin-spice pizza.
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2. Study: Americans More Divided Along Party Lines Than Ever (Politico)
I would normally never say this, but I hope this was a government-funded study. I’d really like the opportunity to get meta with a leftist and argue against the benefits of government-subsidized research into this obvious topic. Just picture it: I lay out my case, my leftist opponent tells me I’m wrong and threatens me with violence (the usual), and boom… I’ve rendered the study useless by confirming its central tenets.
3. Al Franken In Conversation With Salon: Fighting Trump “Has Been Easier Than We Thought” (Salon)
It’s adorable that you think you’re winning.
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4. FDA Tells Bakery That ‘Love’ Is Not An Ingredient (Forbes)
Nashoba Brook Bakery: First you take some rolled oats, then add slivered almonds, coconut, brown sugar, maple syrup, salt and love.
FDA: What was that last one?
Nashoba Brook Bakery: Uhh.. Salt?
FDA: You’re in serious trouble.
5. Today In Conservative Media: Liberals Need To Stop Lying About Guns (Slate)
This is a recurring featured article at Slate. One of their lefty writers reads a few articles from conservative publications and then generalizes all the complexity of conservative thought into a short snapshot article. Think of it like going to the zoo, or going on a safari adventure… Leftists take a thirty second peek into the world of the strange and elusive conservative from the safe space of a website that aligns with and deepens their confirmation biases.
I will say, these articles frequently contain significantly more value and far fewer falsehoods than Slate’s typical “dog poo in a flaming paper bag” style of opinion based “news.” That’s probably because the bulk of their content is quotes taken from the works of outstanding writers like The Daily Wire’s Emily Zanotti, and National Review’s Charles C.W. Cooke.