WATER STILL WET: Election Day 2017 Edition

As a lifelong Virginian, this week was pretty brutal for me. Not only did we end up with Ralph Northam as the new governor of our state, but we got swept at virtually every level. I may even lose my delegate, who’s currently hanging on in one of the races that’s still too close to call (shout out to Tim Hugo: no matter what happens, you’ve been a great delegate). And so, in the spirit of mourning, I felt it was only right to direct my frustrations onto some of the most pointless headlines concerning the elections on Tuesday. So without further ado, here are the week’s most useless headlines, election day edition:

1. Obama On VA Election: ‘This Is What Happens When People Vote’ (The Daily Caller)

I don’t usually do this, but I’ll concede this point to former President Obama. It is true that when citizens vote in an election, one of the candidates will win. Typically, the candidate who wins the contest will have received more votes than the person who lost . . . unless it’s a Democratic primary, then all bets are off.

2. Trump Distances Himself From Ed Gillespie After Virginia Election Loss (USA Today)

Trump on November 6 (paraphrasing): Ed Gillespie is the best candidate EVER, he will be so tough on crime and Ralph Northam is BFFs with MS-13. SAD!

Trump on November 7 (paraphrasing): Ed Gillespie was a garbage candidate and a terrible person, who refused to bend the knee to my cult of personality. His YUUUGE loss does not reflect on me AT ALL!

3. New York Had An Election, And Nobody Noticed (Daily Beast)

Oh, we noticed . . . we just tuned it out because the election involved “cargo-shorts Bill.” Also, respectfully, how unbelievably dumb do NYC residents have to be to keep electing this guy? Even the leftists don’t like him.

4. Testy Gov. Chris Christie Argues With Voter Outside NJ Polling Place (ABC News)

Chris Christie has just completely stopped trying. If the state of New Jersey could speak to Christie, I imagine this is how the interaction would go:

New Jersey: “Single digit approval rating?”

Christie: “Whatevs.”

New Jersey: “Beach chair memes?”

Christie: “I’m on the beach and you’re not, dummy.”

New Jersey: “Destroyed our state’s Republican Party?

Christie: “Don’t care.”

New Jersey: “Here’s a constituent who disagrees with you.”

Christie: “Oh it’s go time, hold my beer.”

5. CAIR Praises Virginia Muslim Voters For Supporting Liberal Ralph Northam (CNS News)

I’m surprised Linda Sarsour didn’t personally call for a Jihad against Gillespie, as she did with Trump earlier this year. After all, Ralph Northam and the Latino Victory Fund revealed that Gillespie’s supporters enjoy running down immigrant kids in their racist slaughter-mobile trucks of death and despair. What’s even more terrifying is that Gillespie’s evil supporters have somehow managed to infiltrate children’s dreams — like Freddy Krueger — to unleash their murderous bigotry and racism. Simply chilling stuff.

Regardless, this is no surprise. CAIR supporting a Republican would be like the NRA supporting a pro-gun control Democrat; it just wouldn’t make sense.

Ahh . . . the election day ranting and raving helped; I feel better already. Now we just need to figure out how to prevent this from happening in 2018, and we’ll be all set.