Washington Post Discovers Amy Barrett Belongs To Bizarre Cult Called ‘Christianity’ [Satire]

WASHINGTON, DC - SEPTEMBER 26: Seventh U.S. Circuit Court Judge Amy Coney Barrett looks on while being introduced by U.S. President Donald Trump as his nominee to the Supreme Court during an event in the Rose Garden at the White House September 26, 2020 in Washington, DC. With 38 days until the election, Trump tapped Barrett to be his third Supreme Court nominee in just four years and to replace the late Associate Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, who will be buried at Arlington National Cemetery on Tuesday. (Photo by Chip Somodevilla/Getty Images)
Chip Somodevilla/Getty Images

The Washington Post, where democracy dies in slavering hatred of Donald Trump that seems to seethe like acid inside your belly, eating through your guts until it devours your very soul causing your face to freeze in a distorted rictus of agony while words of malice and madness stream from your gaping mouth as if a demon were speaking from inside you so that at last you realize with horror that you have become Jennifer Rubin, reporters have uncovered a conspiracy involving Supreme Court nominee Amy Coney Barrett.

The exclusive Post investigation has revealed that for many years Barrett has been a member of a cult-like group known as “Christianity,” whose members gather every Sunday for a gory ritual in which they devour the body and blood of a human being.

The group, heretofore unknown to journalists at the Post, has established meeting places in almost every corner of America and has even reportedly spread to other countries — although these reports could not be confirmed without sending reporters outside the Beltway, an assignment deemed too risky by the Post editors.

In troubling rites reminiscent of the dystopian television show The Handmaid’s Tale, which reporters personally binged in order to be able to write this sentence, female members of this society must submit to the authority of their husbands who respond with the fetishistic practice of making their wives into one flesh with themselves.

This, of course, renders all other sexual relationships virtually impossible which in turn transforms marriage into something very, very different from the institution normally experienced in Washington D.C.

The cult’s inflexible rules have raised concerns among Democrat lawmakers. For instance, they fear the troubling directive “Thou shalt not kill” could endanger abortion rights, and the decree “Thou shalt not steal” would make Democrat governance virtually impossible.

Though Barrett insists membership in this freakish, grotesque, indeed almost religious, group will not hamper her ability to function on the Supreme Court, others fear it might inspire her to champion certain anti-Democrat causes, like the Constitution.

More satire from Andrew Klavan: NBA Baffled Why No One Wants To Watch Millionaire Athletes Disrespect The Country That Gave Them Everything They Have

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