Lawmaker and visionary Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez unveiled her Green New Deal today. It aims to reshape the American economy and usher in an era of peace and prosperity. The goal is admirable. The plan to achieve it, sad to say, is far too modest. It seems that Cortez was so focused on practicality that she lost sight of the dream.
Cortez demands, among other things, a railroad across the ocean, a living wage for all Americans (including those unwilling to work), paid vacation for everyone, health care for everyone, the replacement or upgrade of every building in the country, and the banishment of all flatulent cows. These are certainly worthwhile and eminently feasible ideas, but they don’t go far enough.
If I may, I would like to suggest a few additions. This is my New Green New Deal or Green New New Deal:
1. A free ice cream machine for every American (vegan ice cream, of course, because Cortez is killing all the milk cows).
2. Every sidewalk in America converted to a moving walkway.
3. Every staircase converted to an escalator.
4. Every escalator converted to an elevator.
5. A big bridge connecting North Carolina to Morocco, with, like, refreshment stands and stuff along the way. Also, like, there should be probably little cabins or something for people to sleep in.
6. A free blimp for every man, woman, and child.
7. A dog for every person.
8. A foot bath for every dog.
9. Essential oils for every foot bath.
10. No diseases (will cutdown on health care costs).
11. Universal joy.
12. A constantly refreshed selection of cereal in every pantry.
13. A lion that can tell me stories and grant wishes.
15. A computer type thing like from The Matrix where you plug in and learn how to do karate in five minutes.
16. Bananas that never rot.
17. No more loneliness.
18. Free consensual pony rides.
19. A kind of like robot thing that, like, lifts you out of the bed in the morning and puts on your pants for you and brushes your teeth.
20. All remaining student debt converted into tacos (one dollar of debt equals one taco).
According to my estimates, this plan is extremely affordable so long as we tax everyone at a moderate rate of 6,000%. We’d also need to consult with a team of highly-trained genies. I assume Cortez has already assembled that team if she’s planning to provide a livable income and paid vacations to every single person in the country.
And here’s the good news: most Americans will die anyway after Cortez tears down all of our homes and kills our livestock. This will thin the herd (pardon the pun) and make it much easier to provide for the small band of survivors who remain.