Utopia Is Burning: Top 10 Weirdest Events At This Year’s ‘Burning Man’

The leftist utopian fantasy of “Burning Man” that never lasts more than a week returned this Sunday for another year of freakish costumes, drunken orgies, communist gatherings, and towering art projects. It boasts utopia, but the fissures of disorder began to emerge last year when class warfare supplanted the “peace and love” vibe as disgruntled true “burners” took out their anger on the rich “parasites” for excluding them from their luxurious campsite by vandalizing their tents with raw sewage.

We hear about “Burning Man” every year, and see the naked weirdos wandering through the desert dreamscape as if auditioning to be extras in a Mad Max movie, but what does the festival actually offer aside from sometimes intriguing, sometimes striking, and sometimes perverse art installations? Here are the 10 most hilarious and creepiest listed for this year:

1.) Slutty Mini-Golf, hosted by the camp “Slut Putt.” For this event, burners are invited to “come play a round of slutty mini golf. Take points off your golf game by completing slutty tasks. May the biggest slut win!”

2.) Polegasm, Get Yours! The event’s page does not define what a “Polegasm” means, but according to the Urban Dictionary, a “Polegasm” is defined as “The intense orgasm some people, male or female, experience when climbing a rope or pole.”

3) The Orgasmator Experience. As the title indicates, this event listed under “adult-oriented” offers a variety of ways for women to have an orgasm, where they can enjoy “intense physical pleasure in an environment that is safe, comfortable, sensual and private.”

4.) Camp Beaverton’s Lesbian-ish Lending Library, where lesbian burners are invited to “pick up a good book or share one of your favorites! Trashy lesbian romance novels guaranteed!”

5.) Man-to-Man Play, where “Adult 18+ Gay/Bi/Curious men flock 24/7 to Down Low Club’s discreet aircooled tent for erotic manplay. Horned?Need relief? What happens @ Burning Man …”

6.) Spank Bank. What exactly happens here remains a mystery, but the description says this: “Have you been naughty or would you like to be? We’re the playful, sensual playa spanking experience. Let us tan your behind, tease your mind, and … um … satisfy your thirst!”

7.) A Sex Cult. Another mystery here, but the description reads: “Although this won’t be what you think it is, at the same time, it definitely won’t leave any of that out … An expiration of what it means to be a cult, and how to work with sex that context. “

8.) Spanky’s University. This dive into “Burning Man” academia offers “Spank U! daily classes on a variety of kink/BDSM topics; consent & negotiation, kink 101, fire cupping, neuroscience, humiliation.”

9.) Pussy Day Spa. “Ladies, do you want to be pampered, thrilled, and delighted? Come to the Spa for champagne and a refreshing body wash. Have your pubic hair touched up or get a new style with a customized design. Experience pure bliss and tingling stimulation with a pussy massage. We take reservations as well as walk-ins.”

10.) Rebirth Your Burn: The Birth Canal. The winner for most creepy and depraved goes to this creepy escapade into a Planned Parenthood funhouse, brought to you by camp “Planned Playahood.” Full description below:

Planned Playahood is proud to present our new birth canal, for you to shed the sins of yesterday and be reborn unto the dust. Spend a meditative moment in our womb of a dome, then climb into the canal and be delivered! Squeeze your way through and start the rest of your new life! It won’t hurt … much. Our nearby bar, The Rusty Speculum, is open from noon to midnight. Please B.Y.O.S (Bring Your Own Sins). Participants navigate an obstacle course of contraception devices through the interior orifice and twisty turns of the birth canal, reproducing something that we all have in common: that moment we entered into this self-reliant dusty life. Swat a sperm-shaped tether ball, pass through a leaky condom, jump over a big freakin’ bible, through a coat hanger, climb a set of stairs to nowhere, chill in the womb. Culminates in a slide through a giant vagina where you are re-birthed near the bar and greeted with heckling encouragement and a possible spank on the bottom from a genuine playa doctor. During clinic events, our camp members will guide canal visitors: If you need lube or a slap on the ass we are there for you. But the experience stands alone at any time of day or night. The love canal loves to be explored.

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