Totally Scientific Experiments Show Virus Won’t Spread Among Crowds If Democrats Approve Of Their Cause [Satire]

Protesters march in Manhattan over the killing of George Floyd by a Minneapolis Police officer on June 03, 2020 in New York City. The white police officer, Derek Chauvin, has been charged with second-degree murder and the three other officers who participated in the arrest have been charged with aiding and abetting second-degree murder. Floyd's death, the most recent in a series of deaths of black Americans at the hands of police, has set off days and nights of protests across the country. (Photo by Spencer Platt/Getty Images)
Spencer Platt/Getty Images

The following is satirical.

In an amazing health breakthrough, scientists have discovered that the Chinese flu will not spread if people are gathered in a cause which Democrats think is just.

Responding to conservative complaints that Democrats seem to be complete hypocrites who force children to stay home from school while allowing miscreants and radicals to riot through the streets, computer models created by the Totally Scientific Computer Modeling Company showed that large crowds may get together safely if their purpose is in line with Democrat plans to reduce America to ashes.

In tests that sent a wave of relief and joy through the entire totally scientific community, people with the Kung flu were gathered together in a small room while a video was played of Nancy Pelosi applying lipstick to her forehead while she announced, “It is past time we addressed the issues that have remained completely the same since we discovered they could get us elected for no reason.”

After this, the experiment participants dispersed to their nursing homes where they were watched carefully while they coughed up their lungs and died for reasons having absolutely nothing to do with the Flu Manchu.

To ensure accuracy, this totally scientific experiment was repeated with elderly sufferers from the Asian Murder Disease locked in a New York City subway car and forced to watch Barack Obama address the nation exactly as if Joe Biden were a senile hologram who couldn’t speak for himself.

Obama said, “We have waited too long for a president who would address the issues of police tactics as I did for eight years to no effect. Now is the time when we can fix this because we don’t have some total incompetent in office.”

Astoundingly, according to the Totally Scientific Computer Model Company, every single one of the people in this experiment died of completely natural causes within only fourteen days, proving that it is perfectly safe for people to gather together to burn down cities, though it may remain dangerous to try to stop them.

More satire from Andrew Klavan: CNN’S New Show ‘Gaslight’ Promises ‘A Whole Different World Of News Than The One We’re Living In’

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