If anyone cares, and I most certainly don’t, the 89th Academy Awards will air Sunday night. If recent past is prologue, the ceremony will be a smug and classless affair filled with cowardly, conformist, and brainless elites celebrating themselves in between hurling cheap insults at the customers…
Sounds like a good night to watch “The Green Berets.”
It is also a good time to look back on the Academy’s hits and misses.
Here, in chronological order, are the ten worst movies to win the Best Picture Oscar. Below, you’ll find the ten best…
THE 10 WORST BEST PICTURE WINNERS OF ALL-TIME
The Broadway Melody (1929)
Just as sound was coming of age, a musical must have appeared as astonishing to 1929 audiences as “Star Wars” and “The Matrix” would to later generations. Nevertheless, today it is breathtakingly dull.
Cimarron (1930)
Boring as all hell and poorly acted to boot.
The Great Ziegfeld (1936)
Bloated, biopic nonsense that never seems to end.
The Greatest Show On Earth (1952)
For good reason, Hollywood felt it was time to reward and recognize Cecil B. DeMille, one of their founders and most talented directors. Had the Academy simply waited a few years, though, they could have handed him one for a legitimate and timeless masterpiece, “The Ten Commandments” (1956).
Around The World In 80 Days (1956)
This stodgy, bloated, forced travelogue beat the aforementioned “Ten Commandments,” “Friendly Persuasion,” “The King and I,” and “Giant.”
In terms of terrible judgment, the Academy has never had a worse year.
Chicago (2002)
By the time we reached the aughts, the Oscar-qualifying product coming out of the movie industry had diminished considerably. “The Pianist” was more deserving in 2002, but even if it wasn’t, even if “Chicago” was the best Hollywood could offer that particular year, it is still over-produced, hollow and forgettable.
Crash (2005)
My least favorite movie on the list. A pretentious pail of self-important, overwrought crap.
The Hurt Locker (2009)
Another weak year delivered a sub-par, cliché-ridden, melodramatic piece of anti-Bush, anti-troop horse manure.
The shame of it is that just three years later, director Kathryn Bigelow would deliver the best film of the year, “Zero Dark Thirty,” and lose to the just-okay “Argo.”
The Artist (2011)
All I remember about this movie is not liking it and wondering how in the world it even won a nomination. But during a year where the excruciating “Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close” was also nominated… What are you gunna do?
Birdman (2014)
Great Michael Keaton performance in another pail of pretentious, self-involved garbage. Without question “American Sniper” was the best film of that year. It wasn’t even close.
In 50 years, “Birdman” will be the “Cimarron” of 2014, while we’re all still watching the story of Chris Kyle.
Dishonorable mentions: The TV movie “Gentleman’s Agreement” (1947)*; the nothingness of “Tom Jones” (1963); the boring “Chariots of Fire” (1981); the nothing-special “A Beautiful Mind” (2001); the lesser-Scorsese “Departed” (2006); the silly “Slumdog Millionaire” (2008); the rote “King’s Speech” (2010); the diverting but far from profound “Argo” (2012); the half-good “12 Years a Slave” (2013); the pretty good TV movie “Spotlight” (2015).
*If you want to see a 1947 movie not-named “Gentleman’s Agreement” that tackles the issue of anti-Semitism in a much more effective and memorable way, check out Best Picture nominee “Crossfire.”
THE 10 (OKAY 12) GREATEST BEST PICTURE WINNERS OF ALL TIME
Sorry, I just could not find two titles to cut.
All Quiet on the Western Front (1930)
Still the greatest anti-war film ever made. And it stays with you forever. Especially that ending.
Gone with the Wind (1939)
An extraordinary accomplishment from, producer David O. Selznick, and if you count raw ticket sales and account for inflation, still the most popular movie ever made … by a wide margin.
Timeless. Unforgettable. There is nothing else like it.
Casablanca (1943)
Pure studio magic.
The Best Years of Our Lives (1946)
Independent producer Samuel Goldwyn wanted to say thank you to our boys coming home from WWII, but do so in a way that would remind the American people that this homecoming would be complicated and require patience.
Goldwyn and his director William Wyler ended up creating something that will remind all of civilization of this forever after, because this masterpiece will live on forever.
Ben-Hur (1959)
An extraordinary piece of epic filmmaking and storytelling that sweeps you up into its world no matter how many times you’ve seen it.
Lawrence of Arabia (1962)
Probably the most politically intelligent movie ever made, something that was only possible in the days before political correctness. The filmmaking is also a standing miracle, something that to our modern eyes seems impossible without CGI.
A Man for All Seasons (1966)
Probably the most morally intelligent film ever made, and one filled with extraordinary performances that fill out relationships so deliciously complicated you can hardly believe such a thing could be captured outside of reality.
The French Connection (1971)
My favorite film on this list. This, one of a handful of director William Friedkin’s masterpieces (“The Exorcist,” “Sorcerer,’ “To Live and Die in L.A.”), still sets the standard for the gritty, urban police thriller.
The Godfather 1 & 2 (1972 & 1974)
It is really one movie, and what a movie.
Annie Hall (1977)
Easily, I’ve seen this 25 times, and hope to see it 25 more.
Unforgiven (1992)
Director Clint Eastwood’s rumination on the nature of murder and murderers gets better with each viewing.
No Country for Old Men (2007)
The Coen Brothers offer up a chillingly original and hypnotizing modern-day noir filled with some of the best dialogue written in years.
Where’d you get the pistol?
At the gettin’ place.
Honorable mentions: “It Happened One Night” (1934), “Mutiny on the Bounty” (1935), “Rebecca” (1940), “All About Eve” (1950), “The Bridge On the River Kwai” (1957), “The Apartment” (1960), “The Sound of Music” (1965), “Midnight Cowboy” (1969), “Patton” (1970), “Rocky” (1976), “The Deer Hunter” (1977), “Ordinary People” (1980), “Dances with Wolves” (1990), “Titanic” (1997).
Follow John Nolte on Twitter @NolteNC. Follow his Facebook Page here.
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