Times Tries To Restore Jeffrey Toobin’s Career After He Committed Left-Wing Journalism On Zoom [Satire]

Jeffrey Toobin at Edward M. Kennedy Institute for the United States Senate on May 30, 2018 in Boston, Massachusetts.
Paul Marotta/Getty Images

The New York Times, a former newspaper, has launched an attempt to restore the career of master journalist and bater Jeffrey Toobin.

Toobin, a New Yorker writer and CNN Legal Analyst, was suspended from both jobs after he was caught with his pants literally down, roobin his toobin during a Zoom call with other left-wing journalist colleagues, some of whom use the pronouns she and her — because they’re women.

The toobin-roobin Toobin is apparently exempt from the me-toobin movement because of all his great left-wing journalism, like the time he knocked a girl up who wasn’t his wife and then tried to stiff her on the child support payments.

His other left-wing journalism includes relentlessly attacking Donald Trump’s morals and yanking his crank during a Zoom meeting.

The writers at the New York Times have sympathy for Toobin because they also practice left-wing journalism, though hopefully they do it off-camera, in the privacy of their own homes.

Indeed many at the Times believe that after all the great left-wing journalism Toobin did at the New Yorker, he shouldn’t be penalized just because he did it once when ladies were present.

The question is: if Jeffrey and his Toobin are to be allowed to work again, what job would be suitable for a man who plays with himself on camera?

One idea is that he might become a Legal Analyst at CNN. He could think of the Zoom call as a sort of audition.

Or he could become Louis C. K.’s opening act.

Or he could run for governor of New York, kill thousands through pure incompetence, then write a book about how great he is and win the Emmy for best Jeffrey Toobin.

But whatever is next for the toobin-roobin Toobin, I think we’ve all learned an important lesson. One should always treat women with respect and perform sexual acts only with consent — unless you’re a left-winger. Then all bets are off and you can put your toobin anywhere you like.

More satire from Andrew Klavan: Democrats Are Make Believe Furious Over Attack on Jill Biden’s Absurd Doctor Title

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