The New York Times, a former newspaper, has launched an attempt to restore the career of master journalist and bater Jeffrey Toobin.
Toobin, a New Yorker writer and CNN Legal Analyst, was suspended from both jobs after he was caught with his pants literally down, roobin his toobin during a Zoom call with other left-wing journalist colleagues, some of whom use the pronouns she and her — because they’re women.
The toobin-roobin Toobin is apparently exempt from the me-toobin movement because of all his great left-wing journalism, like the time he knocked a girl up who wasn’t his wife and then tried to stiff her on the child support payments.
His other left-wing journalism includes relentlessly attacking Donald Trump’s morals and yanking his crank during a Zoom meeting.
The writers at the New York Times have sympathy for Toobin because they also practice left-wing journalism, though hopefully they do it off-camera, in the privacy of their own homes.
Indeed many at the Times believe that after all the great left-wing journalism Toobin did at the New Yorker, he shouldn’t be penalized just because he did it once when ladies were present.
The question is: if Jeffrey and his Toobin are to be allowed to work again, what job would be suitable for a man who plays with himself on camera?
One idea is that he might become a Legal Analyst at CNN. He could think of the Zoom call as a sort of audition.
Or he could become Louis C. K.’s opening act.
Or he could run for governor of New York, kill thousands through pure incompetence, then write a book about how great he is and win the Emmy for best Jeffrey Toobin.
But whatever is next for the toobin-roobin Toobin, I think we’ve all learned an important lesson. One should always treat women with respect and perform sexual acts only with consent — unless you’re a left-winger. Then all bets are off and you can put your toobin anywhere you like.
More satire from Andrew Klavan: <a href="https://www.dailywire.com/news/democrats-are-make-believe-furious-over-attack-on-jill-bidens-absurd-doctor-title-satire">Democrats Are Make Believe Furious Over Attack on Jill Biden’s Absurd Doctor Title</a>

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Times Tries To Restore Jeffrey Toobin’s Career After He Committed Left-Wing Journalism On Zoom [Satire]

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I grew up in an age of assassinations. The President, John F. Kennedy, was gunned down in 1963, when I was nine years old. His brother, Robert Kennedy, was killed five years later, little more than a month after I saw him at a campaign event in my home town. That was the same month Martin Luther King Jr. was murdered. Malcolm X had been killed three years before.
Americans often speak proudly of our peaceful transitions of power, but that is because we are only thinking in terms of political power. Yes, compared to the violence that often accompanied the change of rulers in imperial Rome or medieval England, our transfers of leadership are relatively tranquil. Our system of free elections circumvents the need for violent revolution.
But in a democratic republic, political power is bestowed by the people, and the ideas of the people are shaped by the culture. When cultural power changes hands in the U.S., that’s when the shooting starts. The Civil War did not begin because Abraham Lincoln threatened to free the slaves. He didn’t. The war began because his election telegraphed to the slave states that the tide of the culture was shifting against them.
The 1960s marked the dawn of another such shift. A leftward swing was in the making, a rebellion against the post-war consensus. New voices were rising in the academies and in the arts, voices that challenged the efficacy of capitalism, the treatment of minorities, the roles of women, and traditional norms of language, behavior, and dress. It was as that shift was forming, that leaders who spoke even moderately of change began to seem threatening, that rhetoric became inflated and incendiary, and that dealing death began to seem a reasonable political action in the worst of minds. It didn’t work. If anything, it destroyed reasonable leaders like the Kennedys and MLK, and allowed them to be replaced by radicals and grifters.
Today is also such a time.
For at least the last thirty years, American culture has been all but monopolized by the Left. The news media are almost exclusively located in left-wing coastal enclaves. Journalists’ political donations go to Democrats by a huge margin. The news coverage of Donald Trump’s largely moderate policies is relentlessly negative, not to mention hysterical, childish, and absurd. In Hollywood, outspoken conservatives are vanishingly rare. Those less entrenched than, say, Clint Eastwood and Jon Voight keep their mouths shut and, when they don’t, it hobbles their careers. In the academies, conservative speakers are routinely greeted by demonstrations and violence. Liberal arts courses are no longer liberal: they are indoctrination centers where leftist critical theory drowns out the voices of classic writers and thinkers of the past.
<h3><a href="https://www.dailywire.com/episode/ep-1247-the-opposite-of-murder?elementPosition=0&amp;row=5&amp;rowHeadline=The+Andrew+Klavan+Show&amp;rowType=Horizontal+Show+Episodes+Carousel">WATCH: The Andrew Klavan Show</a></h3>
Only such a cultural monopoly could have spread the radical ideas of the left and bullied businesses and citizens into pretending to believe their ridiculous untruths. People can’t change sex. Dysfunction in black communities is caused by black culture, not racism. Women have grown steadily unhappier under feminism. Homosexuality is not a source of pride. Facts are not hate speech, and what some may call hate speech is protected under the First Amendment. These are not bigoted, mean, radical opinions. To those who break through the fog of leftist narrative, there are obvious conclusions drawn from the evidence of our own eyes. The years in which the Left was able to declare these self-evident truths unspeakable were years of cultural tyranny.
But now, the leftist cultural monopoly is crumbling. New media — like the Daily Wire, Elon Musk’s X, and the Megyn Kelly and Joe Rogan podcasts — have risen to prominence in spite of widespread attempts by the government and social media outlets to censor us, demonize us, and starve us out. We have not yet developed the cultural power of radical left-wing institutions like the New York Times, Yale University, and Disney, but we are able to debunk the distortions of those institutions almost as fast as they can produce them.
On the night Donald Trump was re-elected, it was immediately evident that the tide had turned. The ceaseless news stories calling Trump an authoritarian, the banana republic lawfare with which the powerful tried to imprison him, the media-wide (and mordantly hilarious) attempts to depict first Joe Biden then Kamala Harris as viable presidential candidates — all these strategies and more were not enough to create a narrative the majority of voters would believe. Like the American Revolutionaries who inspired us, our ragtag band of culture warriors had beaten back an Empire of Lies.
Charlie Kirk was the next generation of that effort. He believed in God, in family, and in American liberty, things that most Americans have believed for nearly 250 years. He utilized techniques of open debate pioneered by forerunners like Ben Shapiro and Steven Crowder to invade the academic enclaves of the left and create free conversations that freed minds. Inscriptions on the bullets in the gun that killed him suggest the killer believed Charlie to be a fascist. The killer is responsible for his own actions, but that utterly false belief was impressed upon him through the power of a culture too long dominated by radicals.
That culture is over. That power is changing hands.
I sometimes joke to my wife that I am the Ernie Pyle of the Culture War. Not a speaker-slash-debater like Ben. Not an activist master of samizdat like Matt Walsh. Not a future politician like Michael Knowles. Just a writer in the trenches who tries to get an up-close view of the fight and report what’s happening.
This is what’s happening: We’re winning.
Watch your six.
* * *
Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. Klavan is the bestselling author of numerous books, including the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The fifth installment, <a href="https://www.amazon.com/After-That-Cameron-Winter-Mysteries/dp/1613166869/ref=sr_1_1?crid=3EGZUC370LG46&amp;dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.Y_NI0mDOKeowShheDQTVx5NH-fAeimJoCD56_T0Acpl8C0mup7uJf-nGGSRLEItaaekoDnvS2vWLMa4Zd2UBXQ8Y-g-P502jOWz-Y8IX3ZQsdlO7WMLrg1xIhNoKmjCorSWUR4C2l_RbiZ7apJ1MfPzGOrrEf7AdAXX6xwnJRVP_XqUfWuMuVthTWscaU3P4vgmS86-96n-721enHfX12CFQWTajqFbVnrsDkexfUf4.6_gTH6h1Bb9Pn375QdF_VAVZSayDvjQBBKGXE-MTiFo&amp;dib_tag=se&amp;keywords=klavan&amp;qid=1754049918&amp;sprefix=%2Caps%2C80&amp;sr=8-1" target="_blank" rel="noopener">After That, The Dark,</a> is now available for Pre-Order. Follow him on X: <a href="https://x.com/andrewklavan" target="_blank" rel="noopener">@andrewklavan</a>

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In America, Violence Arises When Cultural Power Shifts

Recently, some of you may have noticed the Cracker Barrel restaurant and gift store chain changed its logo. They removed the picture of the so-called “Old Timer,” who was meant to represent the chain’s southern-style comfort food and old-fashioned country store feeling, and left that space blank to represent the pit of fiery eternal damnation loud with the shrieks of the condemned into which the chain had fallen by supporting child sex changes, drag shows for children, and racist hiring practices.
The move was supposed to help the struggling chain’s finances by ensuring that no conservative customer entered one of their venues ever again. Those alienated customers would be replaced by large numbers of imaginary progressives just waiting for an old-fashioned, down-home, southern-style restaurant catering to pedophilia-adjacent homosexuals with a hankering for crunchy fried chicken.
But Right-wing activists loudly protested the logo change, and when it turned out the new imaginary customers were paying for their imaginary meals with imaginary money, Cracker Barrel was forced to replace the Old Timer in the empty space, in the hopes they could keep their usual customers and avoid the eternal shriek-filled pit of sin-tortured souls the empty space represented.
Now, at this point, the flaming shriek-filled pit of sin-tortured souls known as the American news media, began to express their opinions, which were all the same opinion, because all the American news media’s opinions are decanted from a single brain, which is kept on a lightning-lashed altar in the fog-shrouded cave-dwelling of Chernabog, who was the demon from Bald Mountain in Disney’s Fantasia, before he left to take a job in Disney’s animation department.
The opinion of the news media was that conservatives were oh-so-very silly to make such a big fuss over a meaningless logo change at a failing chain restaurant, and how far, oh how very far, American culture had fallen from those golden days when real intellectuals like Gore Vidal and William F. Buckley exchanged sparkling ideas by screaming slurs and threatening to punch each other in the face, while the Left swarmed over our institutions like locusts, devouring everything from Christianity to the First Amendment. Just how stupid could these Fox-News-Watching Neanderthals be that they would waste their energies trying to cancel an innocent restaurant that was simply trying to take their customers’ money to fund actions their customers found contemptible?
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And I thought to myself: Oh, American news media, how right you are! Who cares about these little meaningless changes in the culture? In fact, just for fun, I would like to suggest a few meaningless cultural changes of my own.
For instance, how about conservatives buy the rights to the gay situation comedy “Will and Grace” and reboot the show, but this time, Will embraces Catholicism, and hilarity ensues as gay Will struggles with his physical desires in order to live a life in keeping with his faith. I’m sure the elite news media wouldn’t mind a meaningless little culture change like that one tiny bit.
What about color-blind casting? The current rules are, it’s okay to have Jesus Christ portrayed by a black woman, but it’s very bad to have a deaf character portrayed by an actor who can hear. So how about, as a change of pace, we have Jesus Christ portrayed by a Jewish actor who’s deaf, and when the left says, “Hey, he’s supposed to be a black woman,” the actor can say, “What? I couldn’t hear you! I’m deaf!” I’m sure the media wouldn’t complain about that at all.
Or, I know. Let’s reboot the hit 1970’s slavery drama “Roots,” only in this version, instead of a white man heading into the African interior to capture slaves, the white slaver just waits in his ship like in real life until the black Africans bring their black slaves to him so he can take them to a country where hundreds of thousands of white men will ultimately die to free them, about fifty years before white imperialists force their African colonies to free their slaves as well. I’m sure the news media would love that fresh, original take on an old favorite. 
In fact, just for giggles, let’s change all the Left’s favorite franchises so that they represent something the Left truly despises: the American people.
* * *
This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “<a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Andrew Klavan Show</a>.”
Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. Klavan is the bestselling author of numerous books, including the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The fifth installment, <a href="https://www.amazon.com/After-That-Cameron-Winter-Mysteries/dp/1613166869/ref=sr_1_1?crid=3EGZUC370LG46&amp;dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.Y_NI0mDOKeowShheDQTVx5NH-fAeimJoCD56_T0Acpl8C0mup7uJf-nGGSRLEItaaekoDnvS2vWLMa4Zd2UBXQ8Y-g-P502jOWz-Y8IX3ZQsdlO7WMLrg1xIhNoKmjCorSWUR4C2l_RbiZ7apJ1MfPzGOrrEf7AdAXX6xwnJRVP_XqUfWuMuVthTWscaU3P4vgmS86-96n-721enHfX12CFQWTajqFbVnrsDkexfUf4.6_gTH6h1Bb9Pn375QdF_VAVZSayDvjQBBKGXE-MTiFo&amp;dib_tag=se&amp;keywords=klavan&amp;qid=1754049918&amp;sprefix=%2Caps%2C80&amp;sr=8-1" target="_blank" rel="noopener">After That, The Dark,</a> is now available for Pre-Order. Follow him on X: <a href="https://x.com/andrewklavan" target="_blank" rel="noopener">@andrewklavan</a>
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.

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The Easy Way To Ensure No Conservative Will Ever Visit Your Store

The Democrat National Committee held its summer meeting in the smoldering ruins of Minneapolis’s George Floyd Plaza this week, where they rented a hall from the local chapter of the Crips, next to the homeless encampments erected amidst the charred timbers of what once were local businesses, so Democrat officials could try to uncover the mysterious reasons why support for their party is in a decline so sharp, it reminds Americans of the decline in their children’s well-being after Teachers Unions introduced cartoon homosexual pornography into their kindergartens in preparation for changing the children’s sex without telling their parents.
The unfathomable mystery of why the Democrats are losing so many voters was addressed during the last three minutes of an hour-long panel discussion, which was all the time that was left after fifty-seven minutes of land acknowledgements paying tribute to the indigenous tribes who once held ceremonial dinners on that spot whenever they could find someone to eat.
Among the ever-so-puzzling riddles the Democrats sought to answer were: Why are Donald Trump’s anti-crime measures so popular with people who don’t want to be killed?
DNC Chairman Ilhan Jihad Mohammed Pazuzu Mohammed Jihad Jihad, whose pronouns are “They,” “It,” “Snookums” and “Death-to-the-Jews,” addressed the gathered Democrats from a bullet-proof booth in the hall’s Conference Room Number MS-13, renamed the Kilmar Abrego Garcia ballroom for the occasion. Ms. or Possibly Mister Pazuzu Mohammed Jihad Jihad said, “Donald Trump can garner quick headlines by bringing down crime with cheap tricks like putting more law officers on the streets, but we have to find real solutions, like setting criminals free without bail. When you put, say, an accused murderer in prison just because he can’t afford bail, all you do is make him so angry, he would kill again, if he weren’t, you know, in prison. Also, we need more youth programs and anti-racist training because that sort of useless crap has been very successful for us in the past, or if it hasn’t, at least there’s no one left to tell the tale. And we have to address the root causes of crime like poverty and racism, and sure, while we’re diddling around with that nonsense, we may lose some voters in the occasional weekend massacre, but remember this: Not only will each murderer we set free become a Democrat voter, but so will his victims.”
<h3><a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show">WATCH: The Andrew Klavan Show</a></h3>
The Democrats also addressed the brain-busting conundrum of why so many men are abandoning the Democrat party, clutching their testicles in self-defense until they can escape to a red state where they’ll be safe. To get the male perspective, Governor Tim Walz was brought in to speak openly as a straight man, instead of what we all know he actually is. Governor Walz said, “Everyone talks about the divisions in our party, but so what? There are divisions in my family, with my wife constantly complaining about how sick she is of dressing up like Timothy Chalamet just to get some attention. But the guy’s a great actor, right? Who the hell doesn’t want to sleep with Timothy Chalamet? And as my wife always says, ‘Diversity is our strength.’ Or maybe she says, ‘divorce is our strength.’ It’s hard to make out the words when she’s wearing the Timothy Chalamet mask.”
The party conference did become contentious when Democrats were divided between two different declarations on the war in Gaza, one calling for the immediate slaughter of Israeli Jews, and the other calling for their agonizing demise slowly over time. Ultimately, the two sides settled on a compromise calling for a two-state solution: the state of Israel, and the state dedicated to wiping Israel off the map if it’s the last thing they ever do.
In the words of DNC Co-Chairman Jasmine X. Stalin, “When Hitler killed the Jews, the Jews were good, but now that Jews are killing the people who killed the Jews, the Jews are Hitler and good is evil. And that’s what the Democrat party stands for: good, by which we mean evil.”
The Democrats say they will continue searching for the hidden reasons for their unpopularity until they can win elections again and get back to destroying the country.
* * *
This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “<a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Andrew Klavan Show</a>.”
Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. Klavan is the bestselling author of numerous books, including the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The fifth installment, <a href="https://www.amazon.com/After-That-Cameron-Winter-Mysteries/dp/1613166869/ref=sr_1_1?crid=3EGZUC370LG46&amp;dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.Y_NI0mDOKeowShheDQTVx5NH-fAeimJoCD56_T0Acpl8C0mup7uJf-nGGSRLEItaaekoDnvS2vWLMa4Zd2UBXQ8Y-g-P502jOWz-Y8IX3ZQsdlO7WMLrg1xIhNoKmjCorSWUR4C2l_RbiZ7apJ1MfPzGOrrEf7AdAXX6xwnJRVP_XqUfWuMuVthTWscaU3P4vgmS86-96n-721enHfX12CFQWTajqFbVnrsDkexfUf4.6_gTH6h1Bb9Pn375QdF_VAVZSayDvjQBBKGXE-MTiFo&amp;dib_tag=se&amp;keywords=klavan&amp;qid=1754049918&amp;sprefix=%2Caps%2C80&amp;sr=8-1" target="_blank" rel="noopener">After That, The Dark,</a> is now available for Pre-Order. Follow him on X: <a href="https://x.com/andrewklavan" target="_blank" rel="noopener">@andrewklavan</a>.
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.

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Democrats Wonder Why So Many Men Are Abandoning The Party

The Left-wing cable news network MSNBC will soon be changing its name. It will also soon be wearing a false beard and a putty nose in an attempt to disguise the fact it’s still the same old crap geyser of socialist lunacy. The name change comes as MSNBC prepares to break away from NBC News, and become part of a group of more obscure networks that will include the Golf Channel, Oxygen, the Sicilian Mafia, and several Mexican Drug Cartels.
From then on, MSNBC will be known as MS-NOW with the letters standing for My Source News Opinion World, signaling that this will be the go-to network for people who can’t form complete sentences. 
To come up with the name change, MSNBC Executives consulted branding experts at the marketing agency of Blundering, Wakoff and Shmoe, who have launched such famous brands as New Coke and McPizza as well as running the ad campaign: “Blockbuster Video, The Unspooling Face of Tomorrow.”
Agency leader Prodigious Wakoff recently spoke of the MS-NOW name change to a gathering of former CEO’s at the San Diego Former CEO Home and Soup Kitchen. Wakoff told the gathering, “We wanted to come up with a new name that sounded like a cross between a 1980’s PC operating system and a fire alarm in a clinic treating progressive diseases. That way, we could communicate MS-NOW’s exciting mission of transforming outmoded ideas into a future of crippling decline. MS-NOW preserves the network’s core identity while allowing NBC News to quietly scuttle off into the darkness, pretending they never had anything to do with this horrific crap fest.” 
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Not everyone is happy with the changes coming to the leftist network. For instance, Joy Reid’s show has been canceled, leaving Reid to continue her unique brand of commentary at more welcoming venues like homeless encampments and padded cells. In a recent rant on an imaginary podcast that was really just her standing alone and screaming into the bathroom mirror, Ms. Reid said, “Canceling my show was an obvious attempt by the white establishment to silence strong black women who stand up fearlessly for psychopathic distortion in the service of complete ignorance. The fact is, the white man stole all his ideas from advanced black civilizations of the past like the nation of Wakanda, because the white man has never invented anything himself, except advanced black civilizations of the past like the nation of Wakanda, which, okay, was totally the figment of some white guy’s imagination. But other than that, everything was invented by the black people in Wakanda.”
But while MSNBC will be losing its status as the sister station of a major broadcast news network, it will otherwise not be sinking any lower because that would violate the laws of physics. So, for example, after the network changes its name, it will still feature Rachel Maddow, though she will also be changing her name and will now call herself Bret Baier in the hope someone will take her seriously.
Ms. Baier-nee-Maddow recently commented on the changes at MS-NBC on a media podcast called “Former News Networks and Whatever Happened to Them.” Ms. Baier-Maddow said, “MS-NBC is needed MS-NOW more than MS-EVER. Donald Trump represents a fundamental threat to Democracy not to mention a threat to South American gangsters, Islamic terrorists, teacher union pedophiles, dead voters and incarcerated minority males who are presumed innocent and should therefore be set free to kill again. And when I say not to mention all that, it’s because I plan not to mention any of it when I talk about the threat to Democracy Donald Trump represents in my imagination, a beautiful fairyland where John Brennan and Adam Schiff eternally walk hand in hand through a dreamlike field of wildflowers and lies. We commentators on the Left are running out of time, as well as evidence and ideas, and we need to make sure our voices are heard by our audience above the noise of their irrational gibbering and howling.”
Network Executives say the new MS-NOW name should be in place sometime between the end of this year and the moment shortly thereafter when the network disappears completely from our TV screens as well as our collective memories.
* * *
This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “<a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Andrew Klavan Show</a>.”
Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. Klavan is the bestselling author of numerous books, including the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The fifth installment, <a href="https://www.amazon.com/After-That-Cameron-Winter-Mysteries/dp/1613166869/ref=sr_1_1?crid=3EGZUC370LG46&amp;dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.Y_NI0mDOKeowShheDQTVx5NH-fAeimJoCD56_T0Acpl8C0mup7uJf-nGGSRLEItaaekoDnvS2vWLMa4Zd2UBXQ8Y-g-P502jOWz-Y8IX3ZQsdlO7WMLrg1xIhNoKmjCorSWUR4C2l_RbiZ7apJ1MfPzGOrrEf7AdAXX6xwnJRVP_XqUfWuMuVthTWscaU3P4vgmS86-96n-721enHfX12CFQWTajqFbVnrsDkexfUf4.6_gTH6h1Bb9Pn375QdF_VAVZSayDvjQBBKGXE-MTiFo&amp;dib_tag=se&amp;keywords=klavan&amp;qid=1754049918&amp;sprefix=%2Caps%2C80&amp;sr=8-1" target="_blank" rel="noopener">After That, The Dark,</a> is now available for Pre-Order. Follow him on X: <a href="https://x.com/andrewklavan" target="_blank" rel="noopener">@andrewklavan</a>
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.

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NBC Finalizes Divorce Proceedings As MSNBC Rebrands To MS NOW

The following is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “<a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Andrew Klavan Show</a>.”
* * *
With the first female umpire now working in baseball, it’s time to take a look at how women have made historic strides in the world of professional sports by ruining everything.
You see, in the past, professional sports provided a safe method for wives to get their husbands out of the damned way by placing them in front of the television where they could watch something completely meaningless that wasn’t porn. That way, the wives could get their work done, and if they occasionally dropped in on the TV room with a sandwich and a beer, their husbands would happily devote the rest of their lives to their support and happiness. Later, over dinner, the husbands could describe every play of the game in agonizing detail, which would give the wives time to mentally organize their schedules for the week, since they didn’t have to listen to a word their husbands were saying because it was just about a guy on TV hitting a ball with a stick for some reason. At least their husbands hadn’t spent the day watching some naked girl pretend to enjoy getting strangled during sex, which would only give them bizarre ideas about how they should spend the rest of the weekend.
Now all that has changed. Women are invading every aspect of sports so that men can watch other men doing useless things for no reason while thinking about sexual strangulation at the same time. For instance, after ball games, attractive female sportscasters are now assigned to interview players so male viewers can listen vaguely to some athlete saying, “You’ve gotta take it one game at time,” while simultaneously wondering what the female sportscaster would look like if she were wearing some ridiculous leather contraption and a pair of handcuffs.
Having more women athletes on the field has also changed the nature of sports by ruining everything. Sports used to reflect masculine values like winning and also more winning. But now sports also have to reflect female values which run the gamut from incomprehensible to non-existent depending on the woman’s mood on any given day. For example, when gymnast Simone Biles quit the Tokyo Olympics because she had some girly problem called the twisties, most men felt this was tantamount to losing which, according to many sports analysts, is approximately the opposite of winning. But no. The men were swiftly informed that, in fact, Simone Biles had been very brave to quit like a girl over her girly twisties. And ever since then, Olympic women’s gymnastics has included Quitting as an event, along with Crying, Hugging the Winner as if You Were Happy for Her, and Giving Men a Look that Says they Better not say Something Insensitive or There’ll be Hell to Pay.
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In women’s basketball, Caitlin Clark has completely transformed the game by causing people to realize there’s such a thing as women’s basketball. To thank her, black women players have been repeatedly beating the living crap out of Clark for being talented while white. This turns out to be a game that men will actually watch because it involves women wrestling with each other, so now men are showing up at women’s basketball games and hurling sex toys down at the court, which has also made the women’s game more popular by including sex toys. Even so, a woman’s basketball game remains the least popular American event that isn’t a colonoscopy, and when the players recently marched outside the stadium holding signs that said “Pay us what we’re worth,” they discovered they actually owed the league $15,000 apiece.
To prove that it’s not only women who ruin everything in sports, the NFL’s Minnesota Vikings have hired two male cheerleaders. So now, instead of an occasional amusing glimpse of pretty girls prancing around the sidelines in an intriguingly suggestive way, Vikings fans are being treated to two prancing homosexuals, something no sentient creature wants to see except other homosexuals who aren’t even watching sports because they’re homosexual.
And as for the first female umpire, so far her ball and strike calls have been about one and a half percent less accurate than the average male’s, which is being hailed as really great for a girl, and should transform the sport completely, by ruining everything.
* * *
This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “<a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Andrew Klavan Show</a>.”
Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. Klavan is the bestselling author of numerous books, including the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The fifth installment, <a href="https://www.amazon.com/After-That-Cameron-Winter-Mysteries/dp/1613166869/ref=sr_1_1?crid=3EGZUC370LG46&amp;dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.Y_NI0mDOKeowShheDQTVx5NH-fAeimJoCD56_T0Acpl8C0mup7uJf-nGGSRLEItaaekoDnvS2vWLMa4Zd2UBXQ8Y-g-P502jOWz-Y8IX3ZQsdlO7WMLrg1xIhNoKmjCorSWUR4C2l_RbiZ7apJ1MfPzGOrrEf7AdAXX6xwnJRVP_XqUfWuMuVthTWscaU3P4vgmS86-96n-721enHfX12CFQWTajqFbVnrsDkexfUf4.6_gTH6h1Bb9Pn375QdF_VAVZSayDvjQBBKGXE-MTiFo&amp;dib_tag=se&amp;keywords=klavan&amp;qid=1754049918&amp;sprefix=%2Caps%2C80&amp;sr=8-1" target="_blank" rel="noopener">After That, The Dark,</a> is now available for Pre-Order. Follow him on X: <a href="https://x.com/andrewklavan" target="_blank" rel="noopener">@andrewklavan</a>
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.
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Caitlin Clark Penalized For Being Talented While White

Young Americans and other ignoramuses seem to be moving to the political Left. A new poll shows that 62% of Americans aged 18 to 29 now hold a favorable view of socialism — and the percentage is even higher among 18- to 29-year-olds who wear rings in their noses because they couldn&#8217;t locate their ears.
In on-the-street interviews with young people or just people with enough tattoos to qualify as glitches in the evolutionary progress of humankind, the subjects interviewed gave various reasons for their leftward shift.
For instance, one young man named Sketchy Boardslide told a reporter, “I believe in socialism because if you ran a metal wire into my left ear, it would come out my right ear without touching anything in-between. As a result, I’m so shallow that my shallowness goes down very deep, a sentence that doesn’t even make any sense, which should give you some idea of just how incredibly stupid I am. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to guide my battery-powered skateboard to a voting booth in order to help elect someone who will destroy every vestige of what good men hold dear, whatever a vestige is. Bye, Felicia.”
A woman we interviewed who is either between 18 and 29 years old or just so ignorant it’s hard to tell the difference, told our reporter, “When I look at all the inequality and suffering in the world, I care so much it really makes me feel good about what a warm-hearted person I am. Believing in socialism is a way for me to express the precious tenderness of my heart without actually having to do anything for anybody, because that would take time away from making videos about opening boxes of cosmetics while pouting with surgically modified lips so big they look like a cross between a gravy boat and some unidentifiable kind of roadkill. If I vote socialist, everyone will admire my compassionate nature until the country collapses in a catastrophe of poverty and oppression and is overrun by barbarians so that I become part of some savage’s harem, which has been a big fantasy of mine ever since I read a novel in which all the men had bat wings and did rough sex with women who were beautiful, fragile fairies but really strong in some kind of magical way.”
<h3><a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show">WATCH: The Andrew Klavan Show</a></h3>
Pollsters have found that the move toward socialism among young people and other dunderheads has opened up a gender gap between women, who make good money and are completely miserable, and men who scratch their armpits in public and are working on developing an organizational chart of the Marvel Comics Universe. Some psychologists say the divide may be caused by sex differences that have been socially constructed in every society that has ever existed and ever will until the end of time.
For instance, studies show that young women experience higher levels of anxiety and stronger feelings of vulnerability, while young men are far more likely to chase women down the street, shouting, “Hey, baby, give me some of that hot stuff, the way they do it in porn,” diverse sex traits that some scientists believe may be mysteriously connected.
One gender scientist, Dr. Bartholomew Creepy, says these sex differences, which are not at all innate but simply socially constructed everywhere always and forever, may give clues to why young women are increasingly socialist, while young men believe Spiderman is actually a real person but you never see him because we don’t live in his section of the multiverse. In a speech to a convention of middle-aged men who subscribe to Teen Vogue for some reason, Dr. Creepy said, “Young women have been shown to exhibit higher levels of agreeableness and tender-heartedness which are conducive to socialism when combined with their almost total inability to reason. I hope to deliver deeper insights into this phenomenon in my latest study of young women with its focus on their uncannily smooth and shapely legs.”
Older people, conservatives and anyone else with a lick of sense are hoping to avoid the consequences of the leftward trend among the young by praying for death to mercifully carry them away before the next election.
* * *
This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “<a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Andrew Klavan Show</a>.”
Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. Klavan is the bestselling author of numerous books, including the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The fifth installment, <a href="https://www.amazon.com/After-That-Cameron-Winter-Mysteries/dp/1613166869/ref=sr_1_1?crid=3EGZUC370LG46&amp;dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.Y_NI0mDOKeowShheDQTVx5NH-fAeimJoCD56_T0Acpl8C0mup7uJf-nGGSRLEItaaekoDnvS2vWLMa4Zd2UBXQ8Y-g-P502jOWz-Y8IX3ZQsdlO7WMLrg1xIhNoKmjCorSWUR4C2l_RbiZ7apJ1MfPzGOrrEf7AdAXX6xwnJRVP_XqUfWuMuVthTWscaU3P4vgmS86-96n-721enHfX12CFQWTajqFbVnrsDkexfUf4.6_gTH6h1Bb9Pn375QdF_VAVZSayDvjQBBKGXE-MTiFo&amp;dib_tag=se&amp;keywords=klavan&amp;qid=1754049918&amp;sprefix=%2Caps%2C80&amp;sr=8-1" target="_blank" rel="noopener">After That, The Dark,</a> is now available for Pre-Order. Follow him on X: <a href="https://x.com/andrewklavan" target="_blank" rel="noopener">@andrewklavan</a>
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.

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New Poll Finds People With Nose Rings Love Socialism

Opinion

Satire

Jeffrey Toobin

Readers Pass

Two men accused of planting an incendiary device in Utah are arrested, The Charlie Kirk Show soldiers on, and New York City mayoral front-runner Zohran Mamdani gets a major endorsement. Get the facts first with Evening Wire.

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Hour 1

Morning Wire

Evening Wire: FBI Probes Kirk Conspiracy & Vance Hosts Charlie Kirk’s Show | 9.15.25

Today on the Matt Walsh Show, the Left is simultaneously celebrating the murder of Charlie Kirk and also claiming that he was murdered by a right winger. That is a lie. There is now no question that this was leftist LGBT extremist violence. Not the first case. And it’s not going to be the last. Also, in the wake of her husband's death, Erika Kirk delivers one of the most inspiring and beautiful speeches you'll ever hear. Some Republicans call for “unity,” but is that really what we need right now? Is it possible? And as leftists celebrate Charlie's assassination, conservatives are giving them a dose of their own medicine by contacting their employers and getting them fired. Does this make us cancel culture hypocrites? I don't really care if it does, honestly, but it doesn't. I’ll explain why.


Hour 2

The Matt Walsh Show

Ep. 1657 - Don’t Let Them Lie To You. Charlie Kirk’s Killer Is A Left-Wing Terrorist.

If you’ve heard outrageous claims about Charlie Kirk the mean and hateful bigot, you need to be armed with the truth…right from his own mouth. Today we show how sincerely, and masterfully, Charlie showed love and tolerance as he fought for the soul of the nation through reasoned debate.  When you go to the primary sources–actual video of him speaking–you won’t see the Charlie Kirk that far too many people are posting about on social media.

PLUS, why do American schools teach a false, sanitized myth about America’s founding and our current system of government as totally divorced from Christianity? We unpack how that’s historically wrong and a major cause of our current crisis of morality.

Finally, thousands have been messaging asking for advice about church, prayer, and carrying on the inspiring legacy of Charlie’s witness. Together, we look at practical ways you can make this horrible, tragic moment a turning point for the good in your life.

The Isabel Brown Show

Charlie Kirk Was Right: America is a Christian Nation | Isabel Brown Show Ep. 6

We go through and react to the AP Poll Top 25 Rankings and give our own top 15. Let us know your thoughts in the comments.

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Crain & Company

College Football Week 4 Power Ranking | AP Poll Reaction [Member Exclusive]

We go through and react to the AP Poll Top 25 Rankings and give our own top 15. Let us know your thoughts in the comments.

College Football Week 4 Power Ranking | AP Poll Reaction

We go through the upcoming Michigan vs Nebraska matchup and break down our previews and predictions.

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— Opinion —

Times Tries To Restore Jeffrey Toobin’s Career After He Committed Left-Wing Journalism On Zoom [Satire]