Time Columnist: Blame Hillary’s Failures on Penises

In the last throes of the agony of the Hillary campaign, her media allies have emerged to explain that Hillary is merely a victim of penises. Yes: penises. Today, Jill Filipovic wrote at Time.com about Hillary’s rough go of it: “The first woman is just days away from (probably) being elected President of the United States, and so of course her candidacy has been fraught by two guys obsessed with their own penises, including one whose last name is literally Weiner.”

Now, it’s true that rogue Weiner has derailed the Clinton campaign. But that’s because Hillary Clinton chooses to associate with men who have penis problems. She stood by Bill for her own political gain, and attacked those who accused him of sexual assault and harassment. She grinned as Huma Abedin married Anthony Weiner. And she worked with Abedin closely despite years of allegations about Weiner’s technological habits with women, including underage women.

But according to Filipovic, even FBI director James Comey can sort of be lumped in with the Ding-Dong Brigade: “At least, unlike the others, he wasn’t guided by his penis. But that is the depth to which many of the men even tangentially related to this election have sunk, and how low they have set the bar.”

Men are to blame. Always men (not Loretta Lynch, whose own corruption has led Comey into the snares of politics). As Filipovic writes, “Gendered insults we were expecting. ‘Look, a penis!’ we were not….Men build towering shrines to their manhoods – the Washington Monument, the Eiffel Tower. Are we really so surprised that, faced with the first woman inches away from taking the seat of ultimate and until now male-only power, men like Trump would explicitly emphasize their own inches?”

This is hilariously ridiculous. Trump is a pig. He’s always been a pig. Has Filipovic been blind or deaf for the past thirty years? And what does the Washington Monument have to do with Trump’s penis? Or the Eiffel Tower? (Historical note: the Washington Monument was designed to imitate an Egyptian obelisk, and the Eiffel Tower doesn’t even look like male genitalia – it was designed to cut down on wind resistance).

But according to Filipovich, the problem is always the penis – and thus we need a vagina to solve it:

The great irony of it all is that little else could make a better case for putting more women in positions of power — women can be as craven, evil, and corrupt as men, but rarely do they act so pathetically like adolescent boys, distracting from the real issues with lizard-brained sexual stupidity. Yet here we are, in an election of historic feminist significance, and we aren’t talking about the hard-earned power of a groundbreaking woman. Instead, the hard-ons of has-been men and the hard heads of quietly powerful ones might just screw Clinton’s shot at the White House.

Except, of course, the only one blowing this is Clinton, who should be running away with this election. She’s not because she’s a corrupt schemer. That has nothing to do with her genitalia. And if all men are to be labeled bad leaders thanks to their “lizard-brained sexual stupidity” (never mind Hillary’s apparent ardent desire to see Lenny Kravitz’s johnson) what sort of sexist smear would be appropriate for Hillary Clinton’s devotion to plots, plans, trickery?