The decade's most triggering comedy
It’s time to give three cheers for Bidenomics … and suppurating fungal infections of the testicles, and possibly bunions. President and Venal Houseplant Joe Biden has been taking time out from quietly decomposing on the beach this summer to tout the administration’s signature economic program, which has been a boon to every patriotic American who loves Mom and Apple Pie after all the other food has run out.
Now some of you have written to me to say, “Golly gee, Hot Gandalf, with the yearly deficit up nearly 40% since government experts ruined every single thing for no reason during the pandemic, with prices up nearly 16% since the last election was rigged by corrupt news media and intelligence agencies, and with hourly wages down 5% not to mention how high gas prices would be if I hadn’t been forced to abandon my empty car by the side of the road, how can the president say his economic policies are working when all this time I thought he was dead?”
Well, to answer your questions quickly so I can get back to obsessively watching the Jennifer Lawrence nude scene from “No Hard Feelings,” I’ve decided to provide you with this handy Bidenomics Q&A:
Q: What is Bidenomics?
A: Some of you may remember Reaganomics, when President Reagan cut taxes and regulations so that businesses could grow and hire workers who could then buy stuff from small businesses, so that everyone was making money and could have vacations which brought wealth to tourist locations where they hired even more workers for more money and everyone was prosperous and happy and singing and dancing around in celebration and delight. Well, that was no good.
So now we have Bidenomics, where the government gives money to their friends who invest in clean fuel like fairy dust and unicorn manure. These public subsidies, technically known as graft or peculation, will be used to build gigantic windmills that create power by slaughtering birds so the birds don’t block the sun and the sun can shine on solar batteries which then provide energy and create wonderful new jobs until night falls and the entire fantastical contraption vanishes into the imaginations of the same experts who ruined everything during the pandemic.
This way, instead of trickle down economics, where people with money buy goods and services from people who need money, you now have trickle up economics where people with no money sit around wishing they had money like the rich climate conmen who live in the Cayman Islands to avoid paying taxes to the climate conmen in government so that the government has no money which it then gives to the people with no money so that they now have as much money as the government, which is minus $32 trillion.
Q: Wait a minute. You’re saying, under Bidenomics, no one has any money?
A: No, no, no. If you have no money, you can’t afford to buy anything. So the government prints money, which of course is worthless, so that prices go up, so you can’t afford to buy anything.
Q: If I can’t afford to buy anything, how do I eat?
A: Well, it’s true that, under Bidenomics, there are some things you can’t eat, like meat or bread or food, but you can eat other good things, like your memories or the dog. You can also eat Skittles if you’re a black trans person who might enjoy being castrated and having diabetes.
Q: Wow, that sounds really great. Is Bidenomics the reason gas prices are going up as well?
A: No, that’s because of climate change. You see, 100,000 years ago, there was an ice age, and glaciers covered the country. Then, about 25,000 years ago, the climate turned warm because too many pre-historic poor people were driving Flintstone-powered cars. That’s when the glaciers melted and became the Great Lakes and John Kerry had to fly his wife’s private plane to Switzerland to make sure nothing like that would ever happen again and to get in some skiing. So now gas prices are almost $4 a gallon, except in California, where a gallon is $7, but with each full tank you get a free homeless person.
Q: Now that you’ve explained Bidenomics, I think things were better under Donald Trump. Why shouldn’t I just vote for him?
A: Because unfortunately Donald Trump is under indictment.
Q: But if things were better under Trump, why was he indicted?
A: That is why.
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Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. He is an award-winning novelist, Hollywood screenwriter, and popular satirist. Klavan is the author of “When Christmas Comes” and “Strange Habit of Mind,” the first two novels in the USA Today best-selling Cameron Winter Mystery series. The third installment, “The House of Love and Death,” releases on October 31, 2023, and is now available for Pre-order.
Follow Klavan on Twitter: @andrewklavan
This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “The Andrew Klavan Show.”
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.