Things You Definitely Shouldn’t Say at Thanksgiving

As everyone knows, Thanksgiving is cancelled. You are not to travel, see family, hug anyone, or play loud music. In fact, it’s probably best not to eat all day — to be safe. Just sit on a disinfected chair and stare hungrily at your wall alone, peasant. It’s for your health.

If you must partake in human interaction, do it over Zoom. Wearing a mask. And make sure you shut down your computer before 10pm. This will ensure that the virus particles, which love to party, do not hear you pumping tunes late at night and mistake your Thanksgiving celebration for a rave. Though they are allergic to 1995 Châteauneuf-du-Pape when drunk in large groups by public health officials and/or the Governor of California, COVID particles are known for their love of raves. If they think you are having one, even over Zoom, they will travel digitally through the computer to infect and instantly kill everyone you love. This is science. It is known.