You know, we’re so politically divided in this country, I feel it’s incumbent upon me to search for ways to bring us together. But how can we unite Republicans, with their deep commitment to discerning the central principles of the ordinary American and then selling them out to the first corporate lobbyist who offers them a Rolex and a campaign contribution, and the Democrats, with their bottomless creativity in inventing beautiful ideals like equity, social justice and women’s rights in order to legitimize racism, looting and infanticide?
Well, I thought about it, and after long hours of serious cogitation and enough alcohol to make an elephant think he’s a gazelle with cellulite, I finally realized that there is one thing that brings both Republicans and Democrats together, and that’s their abiding love of sexual degradation.
In the Southern California city of Burbank, for instance, the Democrat mayor Konstantine Anthony recently had himself filmed getting spanked by a drag queen. Although conservatives mocked the mayor for… well, for getting spanked by a drag queen, Konstantine defended his actions. In a speech delivered to a bathroom mirror with a towel thrown over it so he wouldn’t have to look at his own face, the mayor said, “No matter what anyone says, today is a great day for emasculating sexual perversion. By having my butt paddled by a man dressed as a woman, I have made the historic breakthrough of participating in the 17-thousand five hundred and fifty-sixth act of sexual deviance committed in Burbank in the last hour and a half.”
On the Republican side, the New York Post reports that South Dakota Governor Kristi Noem has been having a long-time affair with repulsive Trump advisor Corey Lewandowski. Noem, a married mother of three who frequently cites her Christian values, absolutely denies the affair, saying the tryst would be a clear violation of the Biblical commandment, “Thou shalt not commit adultery with repulsive Trump advisor Corey Lewandowski.” Even if the story is true, some conservatives defend Noem, saying hypocrisy is the tribute vice pays to virtue. But, of course, that quote comes from a Frenchman, so it only sounds good, and only in French. In fact, the tribute vice pays to virtue is a stiff fine and possible imprisonment.
Now since the Democrat party has sacrificed so many unborn children on the altar of hedonistic sex that the demon God Moloch has volunteered to head the DNC, it seems petty to pick on Republican Congresswoman Lauren Boebert for her relatively minor improprieties. After all, if a grown woman wants to get drunk and vape and sing out loud and grope her lover’s crotch while he grabs her breast during a live performance of a family-friendly musical and then lie about it, that shouldn’t affect our perception of her character unless we happen to be trying to watch the damn play. But the incident did leave Boebert open to political attacks from Democrats, who were quick to point out that such a person could never be a Democrat woman because she doesn’t have a penis.
So all in all, one thing has become very clear. It’s become very clear why I have no friends who are politicians. First of all, I never cheat on my wife so where would I meet them? Also, because I say stuff like this.
But the real question is: Does it truly matter that Republicans are so sexually depraved that they don’t practice what they preach and Democrats are so sexually depraved that they actually do practice what they preach? I mean, the elites of the Roman Empire were so steeped in sexual debauchery that I still think about the Roman Empire every single day. Isn’t it more important that, no matter how many issues divide them, our leaders can still share their personal values of getting spanked by drag queens and cheating on their spouses? Isn’t that what our founding fathers intended when they talked about the pursuit of happiness?
Okay, probably not. But still — what difference does it make if our leaders are a bunch of perverted, dishonest, unreliable deviants who betray every reasonable notion of decency in order to get their rocks off — as long as they’re doing such a great job running our country?
I think that’s a question that answers itself.
Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. He is an award-winning novelist, Hollywood screenwriter, and popular satirist. Klavan is the author of “When Christmas Comes” and “Strange Habit of Mind,” the first two novels in the USA Today best-selling Cameron Winter Mystery series. The third installment, “The House of Love and Death,” releases on October 31, 2023, and is now available for Pre-order.
Follow Klavan on Twitter: @andrewklavan
This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “The Andrew Klavan Show.”
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.