WALSH: Yes, I Am A Theocratic Fascist


My upcoming speech at Baylor University on April 9th has provoked a bit of a reaction. There have been petitions demanding the cancellation of the event (and counter-petitions supporting the event). Some students have been tearing down fliers advertising the talk, and then bragging about it in the student newspaper. Now there are leaflets posted around campus claiming that I want to “undermine the American constitution.” The local news in Waco did a report on the hubbub, where they labeled me, among other things, a “self-described theocratic fascist.”

This claim that I am a “theocratic fascist” has been a prominent talking point among the protestors. The article in the student newspaper mentions it multiple times, and the signs opposing my talk also highlight the point. It’s true that I do describe myself in my Twitter bio as a theocratic fascist. I suppose you can interpret that description in one of two ways: as an obviously sarcastic joke meant to make fun of the people who reflexively label me a “theocrat” and a “fascist” for my opinions, or as a completely literal and sincere statement without the slightest hint of irony or sarcasm.

Allow me to set the record straight once and for all. Of those two options, the latter is correct. I am in fact a theocratic fascist. My preferred system of government is a Christian dictatorship with myself at the head of it. From this position of absolute authority, I plan to impose my personal beliefs on the citizenry by force. Strict obedience will be demanded of everyone, except my closest lieutenants whose rampant lawbreaking I will overlook. Anyone who fails to bend to my every whim will be dealt swift and merciless justice.

Feminists have long accused social conservatives of advocating a Handmaid’s Tale-style dystopia. They are astute observers. I haven’t seen the show (which of course will be banned) but I will require women to wear white bonnets and red robes. Men will be made to dress like characters from a Dickens novel in cloaks and top hats. They will be given a government-issued cane with which to look dignified and (if necessary) settle disputes. Anyone found violating the dress code will face execution and a $50 fine.

Of course, religious obedience will be mandated. Attend church, say grace before meals, read the Bible daily, etc. You will be required to maintain an Instagram account (it goes without saying that Instagram will be under State control) where you will post pictures of your Bible next to a cup of coffee with captions like “Just getting my morning inspiration #GodIsAmazing” or “Coffee and Jesus #blessed” in order to prove that you’re serious about your faith. All Bibles must be excessively highlighted and dog-eared. Bible inspections will be carried out randomly, inside or outside of your home, at any time of day.

Not all of the laws in the Theocratic States of America (I can reuse a lot of the TSA uniforms if I go with this name) will be strictly theological in nature. For instance, I will promptly immolate anyone who doesn’t return their shopping cart, or attempts to make small talk in an elevator, or uses ranch dressing, or chews with their mouth open, or walks too slow on the sidewalk. All laws are subject to change, cancellation, or expansion at any time, for any reason, without notice. Fortunately, due to the fantastic moral corruption of my regime, you will always be able to escape judicial penalty by offering a handsome bribe. I’m not unreasonable, after all.

These students at Baylor make a good point. My opinions are indeed just vessels for the theocratic tyranny I wish to impose on the populace. “Free speech” is a Trojan horse that people like me are exploiting as a means to bring about this tyranny. I’m still not sure exactly how I can get from Point A to Point B — from expressing a point of view to enslaving mankind — but if there is a way, I will find it. The only way to prevent such a dystopic end is to deplatform people with unpopular viewpoints and strictly forbid them from speaking their mind. Shutting down and censoring the open exchange of ideas is, I must admit, the best method for combating fascism, just as the best way to avoid hypothermia is to roll around naked in the snow.

The Left seems to have cracked the code. They can stop fascists like me from destroying the Constitution by destroying the Constitution. Then we will be like arsonists who show up to burn down a house only to discover that the homeowner has already burned it down preemptively. That will surely show us. Though, of course, you’re still left without a house, or a Constitution, in the end. On second thought, maybe the best strategy is to defend freedom by promoting and embracing freedom. Just a suggestion, if you don’t mind taking one from a fascist.

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