“The Vampire Diaries” actress Claire Holt said that she felt an “overwhelming wave of anxiety” after learning that she was pregnant with her third child — a feeling she attributed to her 2018 miscarriage.
Holt, 34, shared the news of her pregnancy in a Friday blog post at “The Corner by Claire Holt,” and said that she had noticed the same feelings during her previous pregnancies with son James (4) and daughter Elle (2).
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“I started to imagine who this little person would be and how excited I was to have another one, and then I was hit with an overwhelming wave of anxiety. I guess that’s what happens after miscarriage,” Holt wrote.
Holt went on to describe just how that anxiety had presented, adding, “It was the same with James (to the absolute extreme), it was there during my pregnancy with Elle (albeit a little less intense) and I found myself experiencing it again this time,” she said. “I took multiple tests each day to make sure the line was getting darker. My google searches switched to miscarriage statistics and signs of loss.”
“The Originals” actress said that she had expected to feel more hopeful — especially after she had had two healthy pregnancies after the miscarriage – but that it hadn’t turned out that way.
“I often wonder what it must be like to go through a pregnancy without worrying that something will take your baby from you. Without waiting for bad news at every appointment,” she explained, adding, “I never really let myself get too excited, as if it would somehow protect me from the pain if something weren’t right. It’s a sad way to experience something so beautiful, but I guess it’s human nature to want to shield yourself from heartache.”
Holt shared the news of her miscarriage in a heartbreaking Instagram post, saying, “I took this photo 10 days ago, as I waited for surgery after my sweet little baby lost its heartbeat. I sent it to my fiancé in the waiting room to show him that I was ok. I wasn’t. I’ve never felt more broken in my life. I debated sharing this so soon and I’m still frightened about making such a private struggle public, but I’m doing it anyway because it’s important.”
“I was desperate to find someone, anyone, who could relate to what I was feeling. Someone to tell me that the depression and hopelessness were normal. That it wasn’t my fault. That I wasn’t broken forever,” she added, saying that she had eventually found a community of women who had been through the same experience. “It breaks my heart to think that losing a baby feels like something we have to keep to ourselves. Why is it any different than the death of a loved one? How is it any less meaningful? Here is what I have learned as I begin to crawl out of the dark hole: support is everything.”
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