So, unless you’ve been hiding under a rock — which under these circumstances might be a good thing — you have probably heard that we are on the brink of World War III, and that the entire world is going to end, likely via nuclear bomb, unless you share this or that post, or donate money to some random online fundraiser, or at the very least, tweet a Ukrainian flag and fist emoji.
Depending on which millisecond you are surfing the web, either everyone is dying in Ukraine, or absolutely no one is dying in Ukraine. Either we are all going to die until Putin dies in Ukraine, or until Elon Musk turns on Starlink, or something. That’s what I’ve learned on Twitter, at least.
I’ve also learned that I’m apparently a Russian Spy. You can imagine how surprising that was for me to see on Facebook, given the fact that I’ve never been to Russia, I don’t speak Russian, and I certainly can’t read Cyrillic. But I can read English, and multiple Facebook posts have claimed that both Tucker Carlson and I — and plausibly every single American who voted for Donald Trump — are secretly working for the Kremlin. All of us!
On Instagram, I was informed that this entire war is actually Donald Trump’s fault, because Putin is only doing what he is doing because Trump is not doing what he was doing and what Biden is not doing… I think. The point is that President Trump, as the supposed commander of us non-Russian-speaking-Kremlin-operatives somehow made Putin happy while he was in office, but now Putin is not happy and is instead on a murderous rampage.
But TikTok is where the real education about this conflict takes place. It was actually there that I learned — in back-to-back three-second clips — that everybody is actually already dead. Great stuff. Get on TikTok.
The footage across all of these sites is extremely inspiring. For example, take the brave assault from the lone jet fighter in Kyiv who fought off all those Russians in the air, reportedly becoming an ace in a single day. The internet even gave him a name: “the Ghost of Kyiv.”
Also, did you happen to catch the video of that courageous little blonde girl? She must have been all of seven years old — but she walked right up to a Russian soldier occupying her street and started hitting him, telling him to leave her family and home alone.
And that’s why I love the internet. Because it can capture and spread beautiful moments like those. Moments that become trending hashtags, trending hashtags that become national holidays, national holidays that become movies that we celebrate well into the future, despite the minor detail that none of those events actually took place.
As I said, minor detail, but the Ghost of Kyiv video was fake and was actually footage from a video game.
And the brave little blonde girl defending her homeland? That footage was actually taken in 2012… in Palestine.
But that’s not the point.
The point is that videos and stories like these make us feel something. Feelings, not facts. I learned from the internet this weekend that that’s how wartime propaganda works. Everyone involved in the conflict must be divided into categories: either hero or villain — absent any nuance. Journalists write sensational headlines and it’s our responsibility to share them rapidly on social media, in an effort to show people that the true mark of patriotism is acceptance. Just accept that your gas reached $10 a gallon and that your son or daughter might get sent to war. Just accept that you’re likely sending money you don’t have to a fundraiser that will never reach the Ukrainian it was intended for (in fact, that Ukrainian might actually be a Palestinian from 2012) — but so what!— ’cause patriotism, bro.
And I know I shouldn’t ask this next question. It will probably implicate me further in my spy activities, but what happened to COVID-19? I mean, none of the people that I saw crossing into Poland or hiding in subways were wearing masks. And as a matter of housekeeping, are any of the soldiers vaxxed and boosted? I thought the science was settled? Soldiers cannot perform their duties unless they are fully vaccinated against the virus, so I don’t even understand where these Russian soldiers are coming from or why Bill Gates and Dr. Fauci haven’t said anything about President Zelensky’s apparent refusal to wear a mask while briefing the rest of the world on the siege.
It’s COVID-19 first and then everything else, remember? Yesterday’s propaganda said we were fighting an invisible enemy and that we were all in this together. But today’s propaganda says we are fighting a physical enemy, and actually, the Ukrainians must go at it alone. I just can’t make sense of it.
Wait a minute, didn’t yesterday’s propaganda insist that citizens should never be armed and that we need tighter restrictions on guns? But today, it says the Ukrainians are being armed in droves by their government to defend their land and we should be celebrating this! But which is it?
And I swear it was just a week ago I was told biological differences are not real and gender is a social construct, yet today, I’m being asked to donate to the women and children who are fleeing Ukraine for Poland, while all the men stay behind to fight.
But what is a woman? How am I expected to donate to something that doesn’t exist?
At least — at the very least— amidst all of this insanity there’s one thing that has remained constant and that is the fact that we are all going to die, no matter what… unless.
Unless we do exactly as our government and media says. It’s a perpetual existential crisis — unless. That’s the glue that keeps this great nation together. We are united in one nonsensical state of emergency followed by another, which requires the never-ending understanding and economic sacrifice from us little people.
Now, you’ll have to excuse me. I’m off to do my part and learn Russian.
The views expressed in this opinion piece are the author’s own and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.