Many people are in a panic over the stunning defeat of Republicans in the midterm elections.
There are individuals weeping and gnashing their teeth while simultaneously pounding their fist on the table and slamming their head into a wall until their skull cracks open and blood runs down their now-lopsided face to mingle with their tears and finally spill into their eyes so that they stumble around blind, screaming that eternal darkness has fallen on the world and no happy day will ever dawn again but only a long inevitable graveyard spin into tyranny, chaos, despair and desperation. But let me stop doing those things for a moment, clean the blood off my now-lopsided face, and take a look at the bright side.
Because when you step back and consider the bigger picture, we really can see that there’s a good side to everything, except for my cracked skull, which is pretty much a hundred percent negative.
So let’s take a deep breath and list ten good things about the midterm elections.
1. Yes, the greatest republic in history has imploded, but the new White House ballroom is looking absolutely terrific.
2. Michigan elected Muslim Brotherhood sympathizer Abdul El-Sayed to the Senate, so that should finally put an end to those leftist accusations that Americans are Islamophobic and hate people just because they have a different religion and want to wipe every last one of us off the face of the earth.
3. James Talarico will be a senator in Texas, so Texans can finally shed their image as gun-toting, swaggering, cowboy-hat-wearing macho all-Americans, and show the world the wispy, God-hating vegan sexual pervert they’ve been hiding within themselves all this time.
4. Forty-nine percent of men voted Democrat in these elections, which means you only have to worry about 51% of men trying to make out with your girlfriend.
5. We finally showed those stinking Jews we’re not going to fight their wars against terrorist states who want to build nuclear weapons so they can turn America to radioactive dust. Take that, Israel! America first! Or actually, America second, since they’ll probably destroy Israel first, as a sort of target practice.
6. Those who live in fear that there are traitors hiding among us who actively hate our country and want to destroy its economy and its freedoms can rest assured that those traitors have been exposed, and we’ll now know exactly where to find them.
7. While it’s true, on the one hand, that America seems to have lost its moral bearings and that both leftists and far rightists increasingly refuse to surrender their hearts to the will of an infinitely loving God, on the other hand, AI now allows you to make personalized pornography starring your neighbor’s hot wife, so — cool.
8. When the new political year begins, we’ll be able to look across this beautiful land of ours and see forty-nine entire states in which Keisha Lance Bottoms is not governor.
9. Pete Hegseth was cool before, but now he’s REALLY pissed off.
10. Donald Trump has suffered a rebuke that will undermine his arrogant self-assurance, teach him personal humility, and force him to learn compassion for his enemies so that he curbs his harsh tongue and begins to speak with measured statesmanship and considered wisdom, thus restoring dignity to the highest office in the land. Okay, that one was just kind of a joke.
Real 10. Christ is still on his throne and will ultimately return to Earth to render perfect judgment on the living and the dead, so compared to what that’ll be like, this is actually a good day.
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