American journalists, and other sentient pustules on the goat-like buttocks of Satan, are absolutely furious with conservatives because conservatives are mocking the U.S. women’s soccer team after the team’s hilariously humiliating loss to Mesopotamia or Sweden or some absurd backwater like that. Conservative reaction to the American team’s comical downfall ranged from startled surprise that a soccer match had been going on — to startled surprise that anyone from a great country like the United States would stoop to playing a crap-hole time-waster like soccer — to startled surprise that WOMEN would play soccer when they should be doing something useful or entertaining — to uncontrollable laughter that the women’s team had lost before conservatives were even aware they were playing whatever it was they were playing which we can’t remember because it was soccer.
Now for everyone who had something better to do than pay attention to soccer, perhaps I should explain. … I’m sorry, I misread that sentence, let me start again. For everyone — who had something better to do than pay attention to soccer — let me explain. It turns out there actually is or maybe once was a U.S. Women’s soccer team and they actually did set a record by losing the Women’s World Cup before any of us knew such a thing existed. This amusingly public graveyard spin of spectacular abasement occurred when Megan Rapinoe — an ill-mannered and unpleasant anti-American loudmouth — missed a shot so easy that anyone could have made it if anyone cared enough about soccer to waste time kicking a ball that any self-respecting American would have picked up and thrown with the hands God gave him.
Now, to be fair to the American News media and other wing-ed spawns of the dark night of western moral collapse, conservatives did seem to take some pleasure in the hitherto unheard-of American team’s pricelessly ignominious defeat. As one conservative commentator put it, “Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha. Ha ha.”
But to look at it from a different angle than the media’s — let’s say the angle of decent and honest human beings — there were some ways in which the American women’s soccer team had been kind of alienating to patriots and religious people and ensouled life forms and other entities who otherwise couldn’t care less about soccer.
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For instance, Megan Rapinoe — an ill-mannered and unpleasant anti-American loudmouth — had shown disrespect to her home country in the presence of foreigners as when she knelt during the American national anthem while playing against Thailand, whose players did not kneel during the Thailand national anthem because if they had, they would have been arrested and tortured before disappearing altogether. Conversely, Megan Rapinoe — an ill-mannered and unpleasant anti-American loudmouth — wrote a book about the experience and was lauded as a hero — which is almost exactly like being arrested and tortured except for the fact that you’re not arrested or tortured because you’re an American so stand up when the anthem is played, you miserably spoiled little weasel-woman.
Miss Rapinoe — an ill-mannered and unpleasant anti-American loudmouth — also ran a successful campaign to get women soccer players equal pay for doing work that’s equal to men soccer players except for the fact that it makes less money. So essentially, the women’s team is now being supported with money earned by the men’s team, which would be fine if the women’s team would at least keep house for the men’s team and then have sex with them instead of wasting their time losing at soccer.
Now I must admit that some conservative mockery of the women’s soccer team’s laughable loss was rather harsh. Like when I said that if the men’s team is supporting the women, the women could at least have sex with them — that was a little harsh. But on the other hand, the harshness of that remark was balanced by the fact that it was almost as hilarious as watching Megan Rapinoe — an ill-mannered and unpleasant anti-American loudmouth — lose the match because she shoots like a girl.
So all in all, I think we can come away from this controversy with the following lesson: If you’re an ill-mannered and unpleasant anti-American weasel-woman, don’t disrespect the flag or you could be punished by being forced to play soccer. Then you’ll really have something to complain about.
Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. He is an award-winning novelist, Hollywood screenwriter, and popular satirist. Klavan is the author of “When Christmas Comes” and “Strange Habit of Mind,” the first two novels in the USA Today best-selling Cameron Winter Mystery series. The third installment, “The House of Love and Death,” releases on October 31, 2023, and is now available for Pre-order.
Follow Klavan on Twitter: @andrewklavan
This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “The Andrew Klavan Show.”
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.