So There Actually Is A Thing Called Women’s Soccer

American journalists, and other sentient pustules on the goat-like buttocks of Satan, are absolutely furious with conservatives because conservatives are mocking the U.S. women’s soccer team after the team’s hilariously humiliating loss to Mesopotamia or Sweden or some absurd backwater like that. Conservative reaction to the American team’s comical downfall ranged from startled surprise that a soccer match had been going on — to startled surprise that anyone from a great country like the United States would stoop to playing a crap-hole time-waster like soccer — to startled surprise that WOMEN would play soccer when they should be doing something useful or entertaining — to uncontrollable laughter that the women’s team had lost before conservatives were even aware they were playing whatever it was they were playing which we can’t remember because it was soccer.

Now for everyone who had something better to do than pay attention to soccer, perhaps I should  explain. … I’m sorry, I misread that sentence, let me start again. For everyone — who had something better to do than pay attention to soccer — let me explain. It turns out there actually is or maybe once was a U.S. Women’s soccer team and they actually did set a record by losing the Women’s World Cup before any of us knew such a thing existed. This amusingly public graveyard spin of spectacular abasement occurred when Megan Rapinoe — an ill-mannered and unpleasant anti-American loudmouth — missed a shot so easy that anyone could have made it if anyone cared enough about soccer to waste time kicking a ball that any self-respecting American would have picked up and thrown with the hands God gave him.