Oscars To Have New Inclusion Rule To Ensure Absolutely No One Cares About Oscars [Satire]

The Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences has developed a new inclusion requirement for Oscar-nominated films. The Academy says it wants to make sure the winning films contain significant roles for groups who are under-represented in Hollywood, like moral people and people who know what they’re talking about.

The new Inclusion rule is a reaction to the Oscars-so-White controversy that erupted in 2015 after it was discovered that even though black people win Oscars at a rate representative of their numbers in the general population, Will Smith had been passed over for that crappy film “Concussion” no one saw and his wife was going to make a big racial stink about it.

Because of the new inclusion rule, there will now be several more categories of nomination, which means the awards program will expand from five and a half hours to infinity, and the audience will drop from no one to literally no one.

Among the new categories will be, “Best Film Containing Two Latinos, an Asian who Doesn’t Use a Computer, a Woman Who Identifies as a Man and is Played by a Man Who Identifies as a Woman and is Therefore Actually a Man Who Identifies as a Man Pretending to be a Woman Pretending to be a Man, Plus a Black Guy.”

There’ll also be “Best Film Containing a Black Guy Who Was a White Guy in the Original Screenplay Until the Jewish Screenwriter Realized No Way He Was Going to Get This Puppy Sold Unless he Made At Least One Major Character Black.”

Another Category will be “Best Film That Makes Some Absolutely Reprehensible Sexual Perversion Look Sympathetic and Still Manges to Break Even.”

And finally there’ll be a category for “Best Historical Film with a Black Actor Absurdly Cast as a Character Who Never Would Have Been Black in Those Days Under Any Circumstances.”

Academy President Milo Scabrous says the new inclusion rule is meant to ensure that powerful Hollywood producers continue to look virtuous while raping children and selling out to Chinese dictators.

More satire from Andrew Klavan: