Before I begin today’s show, I would just like to congratulate the Writers Guild of America for securing an excellent new contract. Now that the writers’ strike is over, I’d like to welcome my imaginary team of imaginary writers back to my imaginary writers’ room. To be honest, without my writers, I’ve felt as flat and uninspired as Stephen Colbert with his writers. So I’d also like to congratulate Stephen on having his 19 real writers back so they can come up with such wild and original ideas as comparing Donald Trump to Hitler and herpes, because if that’s not comedy, then comedy is comedy, which is just confusing.
But it’s great to have my imaginary writers back so let me introduce them. There’s Lola Vavoom, the shapely and ambitious creative who writes all my female sword-fighting scenes. Between such bouts of steely realism, she enjoys wiggling her way to the snack table in her spandex leggings to fetch me a cup of coffee so she can linger behind me while I drink it, giving me a gentle shoulder massage and explaining once again that what my wife doesn’t know won’t hurt her. Which isn’t strictly true, since my wife doesn’t know how to use the chair-lift and keeps falling downstairs. But hey, this is my imagination so I get whatever imaginary writers I want.
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