Before I begin today’s show, I would just like to congratulate the Writers Guild of America for securing an excellent new contract. Now that the writers’ strike is over, I’d like to welcome my imaginary team of imaginary writers back to my imaginary writers’ room. To be honest, without my writers, I’ve felt as flat and uninspired as Stephen Colbert with his writers. So I’d also like to congratulate Stephen on having his 19 real writers back so they can come up with such wild and original ideas as comparing Donald Trump to Hitler and herpes, because if that’s not comedy, then comedy is comedy, which is just confusing.
But it’s great to have my imaginary writers back so let me introduce them. There’s Lola Vavoom, the shapely and ambitious creative who writes all my female sword-fighting scenes. Between such bouts of steely realism, she enjoys wiggling her way to the snack table in her spandex leggings to fetch me a cup of coffee so she can linger behind me while I drink it, giving me a gentle shoulder massage and explaining once again that what my wife doesn’t know won’t hurt her. Which isn’t strictly true, since my wife doesn’t know how to use the chair-lift and keeps falling downstairs. But hey, this is my imagination so I get whatever imaginary writers I want.
There’s also Vivek Swamymommy from India who can’t speak English but at least he has darkish skin so we can pretend to have filled our hiring quota for black writers without actually hiring any black writers. Thus we strike a blow against the dreadful systemic American racism revealed by the fact that George Floyd died of a fentanyl overdose while resisting arrest — which was a terrible act of racist police brutality because this is all imaginary.
And finally, there’s Joe Stern, the neurotic little Jewish guy who completely rewrites all our episodes so no one finds out our women and minority hires have no talent, after which Joe Stern goes home to smoke dope and watch porn all night while posting on X about how social conservatives are evil. Joe Stern is also imaginary, but at least he could be real.
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Thanks to the WGA, these dedicated imaginary writers have a great new contract. For instance, the studios have agreed not to create scripts with AI as long as the writers agree to produce repetitive and formulaic stories bizarrely out of keeping with all human experience, values, and aspirations so at least it seems like they were created by AI. There’ll also now be a guaranteed number of writers in each writers’ room to ensure that there’ll be some really lively group conversations while Joe Stern is writing the script. And every writer who creates a streaming series with a large audience will receive a substantial bonus with which she can hire a lawyer to get Steven Avery out of prison so he can rape and kill again.
So now at last, Hollywood writers can get back to the important work of filling our entertainment with that radical spirit of resistance that’s officially approved by every major corporation, government body, intelligence agency and intellectually stagnant university in the country. Once again, you’ll be able to set your children down in front of a television screen and trust that when you come back from smoking reefer in your bedroom, they’ll be suicidally confused about their sexuality. Once again, you’ll be able to go to the movies and see black actors so talented they can almost make you believe they’re oppressed. And once again you’ll be able to watch tough, muscular WASP-faced heroes conquer the monsters of distant galaxies while weirdly voicing the opinions of Joe Stern — who’ll be busy at home smoking dope, watching porn and posting on X.
Yes, all across Los Angeles, real writers are taking off their pajamas and putting on their clean pajamas in order to get back to work creating an imaginary world in which the values and ideas that have destroyed America save America — while here in Nashville, imaginary writers will be creating a real world in which the values and ideas that made America great make America great… again.
Wait — Make America Great Again — that’s good! Guys, write that down!
Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. He is an award-winning novelist, Hollywood screenwriter, and popular satirist. Klavan is the author of “When Christmas Comes” and “Strange Habit of Mind,” the first two novels in the USA Today best-selling Cameron Winter Mystery series. The third installment, “The House of Love and Death,” releases on October 31, 2023, and is now available for Pre-order.
Follow Klavan on Twitter: @andrewklavan
This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “The Andrew Klavan Show.”
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.