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Not The Onion: PETA Frees Animal Crackers From Cages

If you enjoy eating crackers in the shape of animals but always felt the cartoon depiction of those animals behind bars as if they’re traveling in an old-time circus was just too cruel, then I have good news for you.

After pressure from the left-wing People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals* (PETA), those cartoon animals are now free to roam the plains of Africa, where they’ll probably kill each other in a hand-drawn massacre of natural selection.

That’s right, PETA, having been unable to stop the world from playing Pokemon, and taking a break from killing animals themselves, finally got a “win” by freeing the brush-stroked beasts.

“Given the egregious cruelty inherent in circuses that use animals and the public’s swelling opposition to the exploitation of animals used for entertainment, we urge Nabisco to update its packaging in order to show animals who are free to roam in their natural habitats,” Peta wrote in a letter to the makers of Barnum’s Animals crackers.

Nabisco’s parent company, Mondelez International, gave in, and has redesigned the boxes. The new box shows a zebra, an elephant, a lion (Cecil?), a giraffe, and a gorilla (Harambe?) walking together in Africa with “The outline of acacia trees … in the distance,” according to the Associated Press.

“When PETA reached out about Barnum’s, we saw this as another great opportunity to continue to keep this brand modern and contemporary,” said Mondelez Chief Marketing Officer for North America Jason Levine in a statement to the AP.

Sure you did, Jason. Sure you did.

*Maybe they should change their name to People for the Ethical Treatment of Animal Crackers after this earth-shattering win.

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