My Seasonal Message Full Of Lofty-Sounding Sentiments

Well, my friends, this is my final post before Christmas break. So as we approach this holiest of holy days, I would like to set all the political animosity aside, and reach out in love and charity to all people made in the image of God, and also to Democrats, and deliver a seasonal message full of lofty-sounding sentiments that seem uplifting on first hearing only because, when studied carefully, they reveal themselves to be empty of anything resembling wisdom or even meaning. And I want to speak these empty phrases in a pious-sounding voice like this one so that they sound like they either come from the heart or from one of those excruciatingly worthy NPR reports about the art of flute-making among Amazonian Kumonga-Bonga tribesmen or some other bull-pucky you couldn’t care less about, but you can’t turn it off because then people will think you don’t like primitive indigenous people which, of course, you don’t but if you wanted anyone to know that, you wouldn’t be listening to NPR in the first place.

And when I deliver these pseudo-deep yuletide meditations, I want to rely on a lot of cutesy, unnecessarily allusive phrases like “this festive season of the year,” or “the babe laid in a manger,” instead of just saying Christmas or Jesus like any normal person. Do you think Jesus’s mother called him “the babe laid in a manger?” Like, “Hey, babe laid in a manger, make sure you’re back by dinnertime and don’t forget to wear your helmet when you’re riding your bike.” Of course not. They probably didn’t even have helmets then since it was back in olden times.