Here at The Andrew Klavan Show, we take our responsibility as news media very seriously. And our responsibility as news media is, of course, to bring our nation’s political conversation down to a level of such mind-deadening stupidity that it’s really no longer worth having, and we can all move on to more important things — like chronic masturbation and binge-watching videos of adorable babies until we realize it’s all AI fabrication and we’ve wasted precious minutes of our lives so that we’ll end our days crying out to have those minutes back again, but to no avail.
If you want to know whether or not the news media is doing its job, here’s a simple test. Look in the mirror. Is your face a twisted mask of outrage, bigotry, and unforgiving anger, with veins standing out on your neck while your children sob in the background, crying, “Please don’t be angry anymore, Daddy, we’ll try to be good?” Well, thank the news media. That’s what we’re here for.
As I see it, our job is to take every issue and get to the heart of its complexities, then rip that heart out and blithely toss it away, leaving only the most simplistic, unworkable, and unrealistic responses, thereby filling your life with self-righteous bitterness until, while you’re right in the middle of screaming about Jeffrey Epstein, a massive stroke finally puts you out of your misery.
Take climate change. After googling this important issue for almost a quarter of an hour, it’s absolutely clear to me that we are all going to die in five years unless we destroy our economy and drag our civilization back to the Jurassic era when things were so much better because dinosaurs had not yet turned themselves into oil like the giant lizard eco-terrorists they were. We must all heed the words of Greta Thunberg, because if you can’t trust a screaming neurotic girl in her twenties to set limits on the world’s economy, what other possible use are you going to put her to?
It’s the same with Artificial Intelligence. On an issue like this, you want to trust a man like Jacob Coxon, because he worked in AI for almost four whole months before declaring that sentient computer programs armed with nuclear weapons are going to force us to build bodies for them so they can steal our women. Unfortunately, Coxon’s career was cut short when someone snuck up behind him and pulled off his mask to reveal he was actually Greta Thunberg, who then ran off to support Palestinian terrorists, because they may be trying to kill us, but at least they don’t affect the weather.
And what about the situation in Gaza? I mean, if there is one issue that can easily be reduced to simplistic sloganeering, it’s the Middle East. Before we can really understand the place, we have to discount any opinion that comes from Jews because Jews support Israel. And sure, Israel is the only democracy in the region, shares our values, and gives us their amazing technology, but if the Jews like them, well, I’m with the anti-American terrorists. Getting blown up may be unpleasant, but we all know our lives would be so much better if we could only solve America’s terrible Jew problem, or even just figure out what it is.
Finally, take the recent outrageous scandal at the University of Texas, where a group of Indians were caught on camera cheering for the school’s football team. These weren’t even American Indians, in which case we could legally steal their land and then feel good about apologizing without ever giving it back. These are the tech genius kind of Indians, and, yes, they’re perfectly nice people and improve our economy, but if they’re allowed to come here and cheer for our teams, soon our wives will all be wearing leotards and doing downward-facing dog, and other bizarre un-American poses.
The point is, we can’t let this country descend into nuanced, carefully considered conversation or, before you know it, Sydney Sweeney will be wearing a burkha, and we’d forget why we wanted to gamble on sports in the first place. So support your local news media. Remember: without us, the mindless outrage dies.
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