Merrick ‘Scarface’ Garland Announces Results Of Secret Service Investigation


After an eleven-day investigation, the Secret Service says it cannot determine who owned Hunter Biden’s cocaine. The cocaine was found in the White House lodged in the butt crack of a prostitute who came to light when agents lifted Hunter Biden’s unconscious body off her in order to carry him to bed. The Secret Service says the discovery was made in a restricted area of the White House officially called the “Game Room,” but sometimes referred to as “Hunter’s Ha-Ha Hole” or the “Big Nostril.” After working through the night, investigators say they are completely baffled in their attempt to identify the owner of Hunter’s cocaine, but they did confirm the coke was of high grade and was very useful in helping them work through the night.

Secret Service spokesman Agent Seeno Weevil announced the results of the investigation to reporters in between sniggering into his sleeve and bursting into helpless laughter while slapping his knee and winking broadly at other federal law officials who were also laughing. Agent Weevil said, “In trying to identify the owner of Hunter Biden’s cocaine, the Secret Service worked closely with the investigators at the Department of Justice who tried to identify the owner of Hunter Biden’s ten million dollars in bribes. And while our efforts were similarly unsuccessful, I would like to point out that the DOJ had to wait five years for the statute of limitations to run out, while we were far more efficient and just farted around for eleven days then lied.”

Agent Weevil said the Secret Service investigation into who owned Hunter Biden’s cocaine demonstrated competence in the oldest tradition of the service, which was created to protect the President of the United States by Abraham Lincoln on April 14th, 1865, the day before Lincoln was assassinated. Altogether, six of thirty-one presidents have been shot on the Secret Service’s watch, which is a success rate of around 80 percent, not bad if you don’t mind losing twenty percent of your presidents. Agent Weevil added, however, that those previous failures were due to rank incompetence whereas the current failure was merely the result of corruption reaching to the highest levels of American government.

The failed investigation into who owned Hunter Biden’s cocaine was considered to be of such great importance that the agent in charge woke up the president to inform him of the results. Biden was in an Oval Office meeting with Israeli president Isaac Herzog at the time and was so startled at being awakened, he sat up straight in his chair, shouting, “Holy Crap, I’m surrounded by Jews.” After the president was reassured that President Herzog would not kill him and use his blood to make matzoh, President Biden laughed and said he always knew Congresswoman Jayapal had just made that story up to frighten him. Biden then apologized for falling asleep in the meeting but said he had been finding it difficult to stay awake ever since his son had lost his stash of cocaine in a prostitute’s butt-crack down in his Ha-Ha Hole.

Attorney General Merrick “Scarface,” Garland remarked on the investigation in a statement written into the wall of a Chicago garage with bullets from a Tommy Gun. The statement said, “Even though federal investigators have failed to discover who owned Hunter Biden’s cocaine, I want to reassure the public that rank corruption at the highest levels of American government will not be tolerated by those of us at the highest levels of American government. No one is above the law, which is why we’ll be indicting Donald Trump for the seventeenth time later this week as soon as we can invent another barely plausible-sounding crime to charge him with.”

Republican Primary Voters reacted angrily to news of the new Trump indictment. Mr. Angry McAngryFace, the Chairman of the Angry Association of Angry Republican Voters So Angry They’re Willing to Lose Every Election Just to Express Their Anger — the AAARVSATWLEEJTETA — stated his objections by screaming at his television set so loudly that a blood vessel in his neck swelled to the size of a gas pipeline and was then denied a permit by the Biden administration. Mr. McAngryFace said, “Corrupt Democrat officials are unfairly indicting Trump just to make us so angry we nominate a presidential candidate who can’t possibly win the general election, and we plan to get to work on that right away.”

Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. He is an award-winning novelist, Hollywood screenwriter, and popular satirist. Klavan is the author of “When Christmas Comes” and “Strange Habit of Mind,” the first two novels in the USA Today best-selling Cameron Winter Mystery series. The third installment, “The House of Love and Death,” releases on October 31, 2023, and is now available for Pre-order.

Follow Klavan on Twitter: @andrewklavan

This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “The Andrew Klavan Show.”

The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.

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