After an eleven-day investigation, the Secret Service says it cannot determine who owned Hunter Biden’s cocaine. The cocaine was found in the White House lodged in the butt crack of a prostitute who came to light when agents lifted Hunter Biden’s unconscious body off her in order to carry him to bed. The Secret Service says the discovery was made in a restricted area of the White House officially called the “Game Room,” but sometimes referred to as “Hunter’s Ha-Ha Hole” or the “Big Nostril.” After working through the night, investigators say they are completely baffled in their attempt to identify the owner of Hunter’s cocaine, but they did confirm the coke was of high grade and was very useful in helping them work through the night.
Secret Service spokesman Agent Seeno Weevil announced the results of the investigation to reporters in between sniggering into his sleeve and bursting into helpless laughter while slapping his knee and winking broadly at other federal law officials who were also laughing. Agent Weevil said, “In trying to identify the owner of Hunter Biden’s cocaine, the Secret Service worked closely with the investigators at the Department of Justice who tried to identify the owner of Hunter Biden’s ten million dollars in bribes. And while our efforts were similarly unsuccessful, I would like to point out that the DOJ had to wait five years for the statute of limitations to run out, while we were far more efficient and just farted around for eleven days then lied.”
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