The decade's most triggering comedy
The Department of Justice has appointed Federal Prosecutor David Weiss as Special Counsel so he can oversee the botched Hunter Biden investigation run by Federal Prosecutor David Weiss. David Weiss’s meandering years-long investigation allowed the statute of limitations to run out on major charges against Hunter before resulting in a sweetheart plea deal that immediately imploded on cursory examination in court and now David Weiss has been assigned to oversee David Weiss to make sure David Weiss didn’t get up to some kind of funny business. Because Federal Prosecutor David Weiss is a federal employee answerable to Hunter’s father Joe Biden, DOJ regulations require the special counsel overseeing Federal Prosecutor David Weiss should be someone outside the federal government, like Federal Prosecutor David Weiss.
Attorney General Merrick “Joey Bananas” Garland says he appointed David Weiss to oversee David Weiss in hopes of restoring the public’s diminishing trust in the integrity of the DOJ through a blatantly cynical cover-up that will spit a phlegm-gob of unbridled power and corruption in the public’s eye thereby blinding them to the blatant cynicism, unbridled power and corruption that have diminished public trust in the DOJ.
Special Counsel David Weiss is said to have already begun his oversight of Federal Prosecutor David Weiss by having David Weiss question David Weiss in an old dark house that looms behind the DOJ building on Pennsylvania Avenue, where witnesses say they have heard two distinct voices engaging in the interrogation.
Special Counsel David Weiss, speaking in a high-pitched voice, said: “Listen to me, boy, I won’t have this sort of corruption going on in my Justice Department.”
To which Federal Prosecutor David Weiss replied, “Oh my God, Mother. Blood! Blood!”
Congressional investigators later determined this to be an obscure and overly elaborate “Psycho” joke that most of the audience won’t get but is still too funny to cut out.
The investigators then went down to the root cellar where they found a preserved corpse sitting in a rocking chair and returned him to the White House.
Addressing the Hunter Biden investigation, President and Venal Houseplant Joe Biden said there was not a single shred of evidence that he himself had participated in his son’s influence peddling schemes aside from his repeated calls on speaker phone during the course of Hunter’s meetings, lunches and dinners with shady foreign nationals, the fact that Hunter paid his father’s bills out of his ill-gotten gains and then gave him 10% of the take, and of course repeated emails to Biden accounts with suspicious fake names like Doddering Corrupto at Gmail.com and Surly McVenal at AOL.com.
The President made his remarks on the island of Maui where he awoke suddenly to find himself making a speech to a group of people who looked kind of sad for some reason. Assuming his famed role of empathetic comforter-in-chief, the president said,“What’s everyone so down about? Come on, put on a happy face, Bidenomics is working. And hey, what’s all this mess everywhere? I thought Hawaii was supposed to be nice but this place is a dump.”When told that there had been a horrific once-in-a-century fire and hundreds of local people might never see their loved ones again, the president added,“You think that’s bad? I once had a kitchen fire that could have spread and damaged my ‘67 Corvette. After all, a Hawaiian is only a Hawaiian, but a good Corvette is a drive.”
The president then dozed off again because, he said, he finds sad people sort of boring.
The absolutely fair-minded news media welcomed word that the totally honest Special Counsel David Weiss would be overseeing the also totally honest Federal Prosecutor David Weiss during his completely unbiased investigation of the thoroughly innocent President Biden’s totally unsuspicious dealings with an influence peddling crack cocaine addict who was selling Joe’s name for millions of dollars and sending him 10% of the take. Eugene Robinson of the Washington Post, where Democracy dies in the ideological corruption of Eugene Robinson of the Washington Post, said, “When I look at Joe Biden I see a loving father and strong leader because I am blinded by my ideological corruption.”
Robinson was immediately appointed Special Counsel to oversee Special Counsel David Weiss.
Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. He is an award-winning novelist, Hollywood screenwriter, and popular satirist. Klavan is the author of “When Christmas Comes” and “Strange Habit of Mind,” the first two novels in the USA Today best-selling Cameron Winter Mystery series. The third installment, “The House of Love and Death,” releases on October 31, 2023, and is now available for Pre-order.
Follow Klavan on Twitter: @andrewklavan
This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “The Andrew Klavan Show.”
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.