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LIVEBLOGGING THE VP DEBATE: What Could Be More Exciting?

By  Jeremy Boreing

Liveblogging the VP Debate so you can live a healthy and happy life.

7:37 PT – Well, it’s over. The debate, not the republic, although you’re mileage may vary… Both candidates were strong. Both candidates focused, for the most part, on policy. It’s actually tragic that this isn’t the shape of the entire campaign. Our nation would be better with more men like these on both sides of the aisle. Kaine is the kind of man with whom it is a pleasure to disagree; Pence the kind it is a pleasure to agree with. The shame of it all is that they each had to defend the candidates on the top of their respective tickets. Or, more accurately, Kaine had to defend Clinton while Pence had to try to avoid the topic of Trump altogether. On the whole, Pence wins the night because PENCE IS ACTUALLY A CONSERVATIVE and, therefore can actually articulate conservatism. Kaine articulated leftism as best he could for someone who only half-way believes it. If there was no Donald Trump, Pence would be a walk away winner. Kaine never landed a solid shot on Pence – other than by extension. Trump was his target, and he did land a few blows, though nothing significant. For the most part, his attacks seemed contrived and bullying juxtaposed, as the were, to Pence’s grace and sincerity.

On the whole, a good night for the GOP ticket.

For those who were waiting for Ben Shapiro to take over the blogging duties – SO WAS I. Unfortunately, he was delayed after the sunset. We wish him a happy year 5777 on the Jewish calendar, but only because we are good Christians. Deep down, we’re offended that he left us all hanging tonight. He should be ashamed.

7:34 PT – Final question: If you win, what specifically will you do to unify the country?

Kaine: We’re stronger together, but Donald Trump sucks.

Pence: The best way to bring people together is through change in Washington DC.

If Trump can keep the focus on that idea, he’ll win the presidency. It’s that simple. Unfortunately, Trump is even simpler than that and there are still fat girls he hasn’t insulted by name at 3am and, for g-d sake, SOMEONE NEEDS TO CALL SEAN HANNITY!

7:26 PT – Both men speak well about their Christian faith and how they reconcile that with their political views. But Pence points out that Kaine, despite his personal Pro-Life views, is running with a woman who believes in partial birth abortion. Kaine sounds tortured as he defends Roe v Wade. It is, frankly, unconvincing. This man does not believe what he is saying. It’s tragic.

7:23 PT – Breaking news: A Democrat just affirmed that a president has an obligation to take pre-emptive action against imminent threats.

7:22 PT – North Korea just tested a nuclear weapon. What will you do to stop it from developing a nuclear arsenal and missile program?

Pence: We need to rebuild our military and marshal our allies in the Pacific.


Pence then goes on the attack by explaining the horrid fraud that is the Clinton Foundation. Clinton traded money for political favors.

Kaine, “I am glad to talk about the [Clinton] Foundation.” Political lie of the election so far. An angel in heaven literally just lost his wings. And then took a punch in his angel gut.

7:12 PT – Quijano interrupts Pence every single time he makes an attack. In other news, Almond Joy has nuts, Mounds don’t.

7:06 PT – Kaine: Ronald Reagan warned us about men like Donald Trump one day having nukes.

Pence: “Senator, please. That was even beneath you and Hillary Clinton, and that’s pretty low.”

6:58 PT – Pence asks the moderator if he can answer Kaine on cyber security. She reluctantly gives it to him. Fortunately Pence actually understands that cyber security is a great opportunity to hit Clinton on her private email server. Unfortunately, he spends the first half of his answer trying to suggest that Trump didn’t blow this same topic a week ago. By the time he pivots to attacking Clinton, he is out of time and the moderator doesn’t need an excuse to interrupt him and prevent him from actually landing any blows. This is the greatest missed opportunity of the night. When are Republicans going to learn YOU HAVE TO LEAD WITH THE GOOD STUFF. You have no friends. The moderators are always against you. You have to be better at this.

6:48 PT – Moderator: Do you think the world is safer or less safe than it was eight years ago?

Kaine points out that, get this, HILLARY AND OBAMA KILLED BIN LADEN!

But he follows up with an actually solid line: “Donald Trump can’t start a Twitter war with Ms. Universe without shooting himself in the foot.” He continues his volley by smashing Pence with this – “Donald Trump believes that the world will be safer if more countries have nuclear weapons.”

Pence rightly points out that America is LESS SAFE than it was before Obama/Clinton came to office, but only after a weak-sauce jab at Kaine for rehearsing his lines in advance. Pence then credits Obama for getting Bin Laden, but reminds that Al Qaeda isn’t the current threat – the current threat is ISIS which was “conjured up out of the desert” after Barack Obama failed to negotiate a status of forces agreement in Iraq. It’s hard hitting. It’s true. It’s also boring. That’s both what recommends it, but also causes it not to penetrate in this forum.

6:40 PT – Kaine tries to interrupt Pence on character, which is funny. Kaine realizes the joke, and points out that Pence is “too nice,” so he won’t interrupt him. Pence says, rightly, that Clinton is has leveled a horribly negative campaign in which she referred to half of Republican voters as a “basket of deplorables.”

Kaine pivots back to immigration by pointing out that GLITTER IN YOUR EYES! Kaine then runs for the doors.

6:35 PT – The moderator just raised the fact that Tim Scott a black South Carolina Senator, has commented on feeling the fear and anger of police bias. Undoubtedly she will ask a difficult follow up of Kaine on one of the most sensitive issues in the nation soon. Pence tries to answer with a sensitive, nuanced answer, but there is no room for that in American politics.

Kaine ably lashes out at Trump’s many boorish remarks on blacks, Mexicans and even John McCain. That’s right, America, the Democrats are now defenders of Republican lawmakers. They REALLY CARE about John McCain, you guys.

6:30 PT – Well, we’re a third of the way through. Has it been pretty? No. Has it been dull. G-d yes. Have we been drinking? Who’s asking? But I will say this, these two boring, boring men, when they are not interrupting each other because they have never watched a television, are actually discussing policy. Why aren’t they the actual nominees? This is much more edifying than anything we have seen so far.

6:25 PT – The moderator wants to know if it’s “fair” that Trump may not have paid more taxes than he actually owed under US law. This is a question for some reason. Pence points out that actual businessmen, as opposed to politicians, are using their money to create jobs.

Kaine points out that Trump is breaking a major campaign promise by not releasing his tax returns. Pence weakly asserts, “He will!” Right. When? Painful. Kaine aptly points out the obvious, that Pence had to give Trump his own tax documents before he was allowed on the ticket. Once again, the moderator bails Pence out. It’s hard to believe, but there it is.

6:20 PT – Pence has found his footing now and is performing well, pointing out the major failures of the Obama administration, saying of Kaine, “He is a very fitting running mate for Hillary Clinton,” Pence points out that a Clinton/Kaine administration would be more of the same.

Kaine replies with a ham-fisted line, saying the election is a choice between a “You’re hired” future or a “You’re fired” one. He then points out that a Clinton/Kaine administration would give people lots and lots of free stuff, artificially raise wages, and raise taxes.

6:15 PT – The two men are now talking over each other to such a degree that it’s difficult to follow. Moderator tries to get them back on track, but she has already lost control.

6:12 PT – Mike Pence makes the mistake of blaming Hillary for Russian aggression. He is instantly interrupted by Kaine, who points out that Trump “loves Russia.” In a first for a Republican, Pence relies on the moderator to bail him out of the uncomfortable exchange. “When she was secretary of state, Senator, come on… the Clinton Foundation accepted donations from foreign governments.”

Kaine: “Governor Pence doesn’t think things are going very well in the world.” Pence: “Do you?”

6:10 PT – Quijano asks if Hillary Clinton can be trusted. Tim Kaine says that Hillary Clinton has always put others first, unlike Trump who built his career “off the backs of little guys.” This is clearly a reference to that time Donald Trump defrauded millions of charitable Americans out of their money on the promise of helping the people of Haiti. Oh wait….

6:05 PT – Candidates Tim Kaine and Mike Pence have taken the stage. It’s hard to tell them apart. No, seriously. They are the same height, same build, both white guys… To make things worse, the Democrat is wearing a red tie, and the Republican a blue one. While it is certainly more accurate for the red commies to dress the part, it confuses the American audience.

Tim Kaine opens with a reference to civil rights, pointing out that – shock – HILLARY CLINTON WOULD BE THE FIRST WOMAN PRESIDENT. He then lists all of the positions he has held. One was missionary. I am not kidding.

6:00 PT – Moderator Elaine Quijano has taken the stage, announcing that this is “the only” vice presidential debate of election 2016. Thank g-d.

Now she is reciting the rules of the affair. It’s painful, but one expects it may be the most exciting part of the show…

5:50 PT – Good evening Mister and Missus America and all the ships at sea… Ah, the sea. We have such fond memories of ye, and all of the horrible things that happen upon you. They, even they, are better than this – watching a debate between the boring guy trying to be Donald Trump’s VP and the boring guy trying to be Hillary’s.

If you’re tuning in to this liveblog, we accept your thanks for subjecting ourselves to this so that you don’t have to. I’m Jeremy Boreing, and I’ll be covering the first half of the debate until our fearless leader, famed cuck (((Ben Shapiro))), emerges from the Jewish holiday of Rosh Hashana at sundown and puts us out of our misery.

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