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Right now would be a good time to Google the question: “Do men menstruate?,” if right now you happen to be drunk out of your mind, already wearing a lampshade on your head and quickly running out of other jokes to keep your friends in the hot tub giggling helplessly until you can find some quiet place in which to violently vomit and collapse into unconsciousness. Because as it turns out, if you Google the question, “Do men menstruate?” the first hilarious response Google will give you is this – and this is an exact quote: “Having a period is not a feminine thing, and people of all genders menstruate, including non-binary people, agender people and even plenty of men!”
Now I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “Oh Klavan, you raucously rambunctious maestro of merriment, how did you invent this absurd scenario that makes it seem as if one of the most powerful corporations on earth is trying to drag the rest of us into a swirling toilet bowl of mendacity so that we’ll be ultimately flushed into the twisted plumbing of stupidity and spat out into the sewer of cultural lunacy?”
But no, I am not making this up. In fact, according to the entire first page of responses on Google, menstruation, the process by which breeding age females who are not pregnant reabsorb their monthly ovum into the lining of their uterus and then expel that lining through their vaginas, can also take place in people who are not female, can’t get pregnant, don’t produce ova, don’t have a uterus and can’t expel its lining through their vaginas which they also don’t have. What a wonderful font of information Google is for people who don’t know the meaning of the word “font” and aren’t interested in getting any information!
Now you may think, “All right, when Google reports that men can do what they could only do in an alternative universe where words have no meaning and Google is a font of information, perhaps it would be true to say that Google has become a corrupt, politicized lie factory that replaced its original slogan of ‘Don’t Be Evil’ with the new slogan, ‘Oh, what the hell, let’s be so Evil that even the word Evil will not be able to contain the Evil that is Google-level Evil.’ But what about the rest of the response that says menstruation can occur in non-binary people, and agender people, and people with genders other than male and female and unicorns and brobdignags and cooley-booley-oolios and saka-dela-reekios and chuga-booga-naga-dooba-dees and other non-existent creatures I just invented? Wouldn’t it be a happier world if every single phantom that populates the fever dreams of woke insipidity could enjoy the same monthly bleeding, cramps, bloating, and irritability that were hitherto reserved only for those women so privileged they get to spend three days a month curled up on the sofa when they’d much rather be rampaging through Google headquarters with a butcher knife cutting out the beating heart of every single mother-jumping moronic son-of-a-b****itch who thinks it’s cool to say men can menstruate?
And sure, maybe the non-existent creatures of Google’s imaginary menagerie, can not only menstruate but are much less annoying than menstruating women because menstruating women have the disadvantage of actually existing when they menstruate, which is no walk in the park, or at least so I’m told. Still, you would think a corporation whose only purpose is to give you ready access to honest information so they can steal your personal browsing habits and sell them to other soulless corporate entities would at least create an algorithm that gives you ready access to honest information instead of lying to you about what’s between your legs when a simple lowering of your chin will reveal to you that it isn’t between your legs and even if, through some act of surgical barbarism, it were between your legs, it wouldn’t be.
Now some of you may be thinking, “Gee, Klavan, you sound pretty irritable about this. Maybe it’s your time of the month.” And all I can say is: if menstruating is anywhere near as irritating as being lied to by a bunch of flabby-souled corporate jerkwads like the people at Google, I’m glad I’m a man and can use Duck Duck Go.
Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. He is an award-winning novelist, Hollywood screenwriter, and popular satirist. Klavan is the author of “When Christmas Comes” and “Strange Habit of Mind,” the first two novels in the USA Today best-selling Cameron Winter Mystery series. The third installment, “The House of Love and Death,” releases on October 31, 2023, and is now available for Pre-order.
Follow Klavan on Twitter: @andrewklavan
This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “The Andrew Klavan Show.”
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.