The following is satirical.
Journalists and other wastes of God’s precious gift of life have become concerned that Donald Trump’s daily briefings may make him more popular.
Polls currently show presumptive Democrat candidate Joe Biden would defeat Trump if the election were held today in a country full of idiots voting in total darkness.
Trump, however, leads the polls in voter enthusiasm, although enthusiasm for Biden did tick up after he made a snowman out of rubber bands.
Commenting on the situation, Blithering Prevarication the Third, the editor-in-chief of the New York Times, a former newspaper, told his mother in his daily prayer to the image of her he drew on a doily with a Crayola, “Trump has craftily created a situation where the public can look at him directly rather than through the green fog of our descriptions of him. This creates a clear and present danger that I will strangle on the bile of my own frustrated hatred, fall down a flight of stairs, and land on the dog, killing both him and my completely unearned reputation for honest journalism. Clearly, this would be bad for the nation by making me look like a shrunken-souled moral dwarf who doesn’t even own a dog anymore.”
To combat the problem, journalists have made several suggestions. For instance, when Trump gives his briefings, they may try putting their fingers in their ears and singing “La la la,” in very loud voices in the hope that when they can’t hear what Trump is saying, he ceases to exist.
They’ve also thought of rising from their chairs as one, dropping their pants and mooning Trump, although they’re afraid they might be mistaken for Brian Stelter.
And they’ve thought of just lying on the floor on their sides, turning in circles and screaming, “I hate you!” although they’ve been doing that for three weeks and it hasn’t worked so far.
Many journalists are so upset with the success of Trump’s briefings, they almost wish Americans would stop dying so the briefings would stop. Almost.
More satire from Andrew Klavan: As Republican Governors Say: ‘Back to Work!’ Democrat Governors Declare: ‘We Are Become As Gods!’