The following is satirical.
As the long Chinese Flu crisis created by China drags on, different sorts of Americans are handling it in different ways.
Republican President Trump says he is forming a commission to examine how to get the country back to work again.
Conversely, Leftist columnist Paul Krugman of the New York Times, a former newspaper, says Trump is wrong and we should instead despair and die, languishing in our homes until the food runs out and we devour first our pets, then our children, after which only those people who wear tinfoil hats so they can receive messages from heaven, which is located on the planet Bingbong, will be allowed to emerge into the light of a new tomorrow and build an entire society of people named Paul Krugman, who work for the New York Times, a former newspaper which will have now become Thoth, the many-eyed destroyer of worlds.
In Texas, Republican Governor Greg Abbot is preparing to gradually lift lockdown orders and reopen the economy.
In Michigan, Democrat Governor Gretchen Whitmer has ordered ten thousand dollar fines for anyone who looks out of their window or believes in God, and has signed into law a decree allowing her to wear military uniforms including a large Napoleon-style hat with a peacock feather in it. The law also requires anyone who thinks of her to remark out loud how attractive she looks in her new hat and how powerful yet merciful she is in her complete control of every aspect of Michigan life. Those who do not will be executed, along with anyone who takes a walk or seems hopeful.
Several Republican Governors have issued no lockdown orders at all, fearing it might violate the public’s Constitutional rights.
Democrat Governors, meanwhile, gathered in a Chicago strip club to celebrate their ascendancy to absolute power over American life by getting the haircuts and massages they require to keep them relaxed and attractive as they rule the universe like gods.
So a pattern is beginning to emerge.
Related: <a href="https://www.dailywire.com/news/lied-since-day-1-more-than-150000-sign-petition-to-recall-gov-whitmer">‘Lied Since Day 1’: More Than 150,000 Sign Petition To Recall Gov. Whitmer</a>

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As Republican Governors Say: ‘Back to Work!’ Democrat Governors Declare: ‘We Are Become As Gods!’ [Satire]

CONTINUE READING

The New York Times, a former newspaper, has obtained a document from the Democrat party outlining their plan to spend $20 million in an effort to win back male voters. The effort is being hailed as a continuation of the great Democrat tradition of wasting money without even beginning to solve a problem created by their own stupid ideas.
The document, entitled “How to Make Toxic Men Love Us Even As we Castrate their Sons and Turn Their Women into Fractious Whores,” includes a collection of ideas from a diverse committee of women, black women, men pretending to be black women and feminists who are sort of like women only feminist. The effort is being hailed as a continuation of the great Democrat tradition of forming committees on the basis of diversity and thus laying the groundwork for a hilarious catastrophe that was predictable to everyone except a diverse committee.
To add an international flavor to the committee, the Democrats reached out to French President Emmanuel Macron, who said, “I think in order to properly study men, we need to…” But he couldn’t finish, because his wife smacked him in the face.
At the heart of the Democrat’s effort is an attempt to learn how to speak to potential male voters by studying liberal men in their native habitats, like gay bars and the ballet. This attempt comes on the heels of the failed presidential campaign of what’s-her-name, that cackling semi-black girl, who chose Minnesota Governor Tim Walz as her running mate because of his ability to code-switch from talking like a homosexual serial killer to talking like a homosexual serial killer trying to sound like a regular guy.
In the wake of that failure, the Democrats hope to learn how to communicate with men online by — and, my hand to God, this is a real quote — “studying the syntax, language and content that gains attention and virality in men’s spaces.’” So, for instance, instead of just bluntly telling men it’s time for them to take a backseat and let women lead the way into a glorious female future of unreasoning chatter followed by helpless sobbing interrupted by snapping at anyone who tries to make them feel better, Democrats might now attempt to gain attention and virality by posting such male-coded messages as, “Hey, Bro, how about giving the chicks a chance for a change, and meanwhile pass me the soap with those attractive, muscular arms of yours.”
<h3><a href="https://www.dailywire.com/episode/ep-1232-this-is-fine?elementPosition=0&amp;row=0&amp;rowType=Vertical+Show+Episodes+Carousel" target="_blank" rel="noopener">WATCH: The Andrew Klavan Show</a></h3>
To ensure their new man language is not limited to English-speakers, Democrats interviewed French President Emmanuel Macron, who said, “I believe in order to speak with men, you have to…” But he was unable to finish, because his wife smacked him in the face.
The document also suggests the party might want to change its hectoring tone of school-marmish moralizing, just in case that alienates some men or causes them to projectile vomit their last three beers into the face of the first Democrat they see. In order to help them stop moralizing, the Democrats have appointed a diverse committee to run a $50 million study entitled “What is Morality, and How is it Different from Sexually Mutilating Children in order to Pretend Gender is a Social Construct?” 
In a further effort to communicate with men, the Democrats are seeking to create a &#8220;new Joe Rogan&#8221; to head a popular male-oriented podcast. After a $75 million study by a diverse committee, the Democrats discovered that Rogan actually used to be a Democrat himself until he found out the Democrats were a bunch of Communist perverts. The Democrats feel they can fix that problem by replacing Rogan with some other bald man with a lot of tattoos, and hoping no one notices the difference.
To internationalize the appeal of the new Democrat Rogan, the Democrats sought advice from French president Emmanuel Macron, who said, “The whole secret to Joe Rogan is that…” But he was unable to finish because his wife smacked him in the face.
More recently, in a controversial move, the Democrats decided to add a man to their diverse study committee and, after a great deal of debate, they finally appointed Emmanuel Macron’s wife.
* * *
This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “<a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Andrew Klavan Show</a>.”
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.
Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. Follow him on X: <a href="https://x.com/andrewklavan" target="_blank" rel="noopener">@andrewklavan</a>
Klavan is the bestselling author of numerous books, including the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The fourth installment, “<a href="https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1613165536?ref_=dbs_m_mng_rwt_calw_thcv_3&amp;storeType=ebooks" target="_blank" rel="noopener">A Woman Underground.</a>” His most recent nonfiction release is “<a href="https://www.amazon.com/Kingdom-Cain-Finding-Literature-Darkness/dp/0310368340/?_encoding=UTF8&amp;pd_rd_w=nMYjR&amp;content-id=amzn1.sym.bc3ba8d1-5076-4ab7-9ba8-a5c6211e002d&amp;pf_rd_p=bc3ba8d1-5076-4ab7-9ba8-a5c6211e002d&amp;pf_rd_r=133-8344803-2786917&amp;pd_rd_wg=7a8J3&amp;pd_rd_r=5791ea0f-6d96-4732-9d6a-3a4e6b348bb5&amp;ref_=aufs_ap_sc_dsk" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Kingdom of Cain: Finding God in the Literature of Darkness.</a>” (May 2025, Zondervan/HarperCollins).

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Democrats Ask Brigitte Macron: What Is A Man?

The news media and the Democrats — but I repeat myself — are reeling after the release of Jake Tapper’s new book, “Oh My God, I Lied About Everything!” The book is the result of Tapper’s eight-month investigation into Jake Tapper during which Tapper discovered that almost every word out of Tapper’s mouth has been entirely untrue.
Tapper says the break in his investigation came after he managed to isolate Tapper in an interrogation room under a bright light where he continually slapped him, shouting “Confess, you two-faced bastard,” until Tapper broke under the brutal questioning and confessed to Tapper that he’d been deceiving the public for years.
In a searching interview on his CNN Show, “Jake Tapper Investigates,” Jake Tapper told Jake Tapper, “I was absolutely shocked at the depth of my duplicity. I lied about Trump’s collusion with the Russians, I lied about Trump saying there were good people among the white supremacists. You know that time I said that George Floyd’s death indicated widespread racism among police? Total BS! Oh, and how about my panic-mongering during the pandemic unleashed by China with funding from Fauci? So help me, a word of truth in my mouth would die of loneliness. Finally — get this — I actually had the gall to publish a book on the cover-up of Joe Biden’s dementia in which I pretended to take some responsibility for not covering the story. Not covering the story? I covered the hell out of it! The idea that those lies were any different than all the other lies I told — that was the biggest lie of all!”
As Tapper’s book rose on fiction bestseller lists, other journalists and Democrats — but I repeat repeating myself — also began to rake in profits by getting to the bottom of the lies they’d been telling for years.
<h3><a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show" target="_blank" rel="noopener">WATCH: The Andrew Klavan Show</a></h3>
At ABC, for instance, George Stephanopoulos, the host of &#8220;Good Morning America,&#8221; opened the show with a special report blowing the lid off the consistent dishonesty of George Stephanopoulos, the host of &#8220;Good Morning America.&#8221;
“It’s terrible to think that George Stephanopoulos would have actually gotten away with these lies if I hadn’t exposed him,” said George Stephanopoulos. “I mean, let’s go back to the very beginning of my career. All those women who said Bill Clinton was chasing after them with his wing-wang hanging out? The only one lying was me when I said they were lying. Then, when ABC hired me after all that lying, I figured they just wanted me to keep on lying, so I did. Like, remember how we spiked Amy Robach’s Jeffrey Epstein story during Hillary Clinton’s campaign, and I said I had nothing to do with the decision? Well, I did a deep dive into that incident, let me tell you, and it turned out it was me all along.”
At CBS, News President Wendy McMahon resigned after “60 Minutes” was caught editing an interview with Vice President Kamala Harris so that a learned disquisition on Middle East politics by an AI Kamala voice was dubbed over Harris’s original statement which consisted of a series of random words interrupted by loud cackling laughter. Miss McMahon said that after finding out how dishonest she was, she could no longer work with herself.
<a href="https://get.dailywire.com/subscribe/plus/?utm_medium=website&amp;utm_source=editorial&amp;utm_campaign=memorial&amp;utm_content=editorialmemorialday" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Memorial Day Sale – Get 40% Off New DailyWire+ Annual Memberships</a>
Bob Woodward has published a new 4,000-page book called &#8220;Bull,&#8221; in which Bob Woodward’s lies are exposed by an anonymous source called Deep Bob. Meeting in a shadowy underground garage, Deep Bob tells Woodward the so-called Watergate scandal was just a lot of minor mischief blown out of proportion to punish Nixon for being right about all the communists in the government. In another interview last week, former President John F. Kennedy told Woodward, “Oh, sure, my behavior was much worse than Nixon’s and no one covered that at all. Why do you think I had to leave town in such a hurry? Frankly, I think the entire history of the 20th century needs to be rewritten.”
Reacting to these revelations, former President Joe Biden said, “The whole thing’s absurd. Now all these journalists are blaming me for Trump’s re-election. What did I do? No, seriously, I can’t remember: what did I do?”

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Legacy Media Shocked To Discover That Jake Tapper Lied About Everything

Recently, the news stories in the media have been coming so fast and furious they’re almost like a group of muscular bald men driving hot cars out of airplanes, landing them on top of other cars, and then driving away at high speed while firing a rocket launcher out the window&#8230; because they’re fast and… well, never mind.
Anyway, I began to wonder: how can the news media report all this news in a way that reflects the outlooks of Americans everywhere across this great land, from the pine forests of Vermont to the golden wheat fields of Kansas, across the vast expanses of Texas to the sun-baked beaches of the Pacific Coast? So I decided I would take a look at the headlines of news outlets from 40th Street in Manhattan all the way to 47th Street — because that’s about all of them.
So for instance, in the news, inflation slowed to its lowest rate in more than four years.
Here’s the headline from The Wall Street Journal: &#8220;Trump’s Tariffs to Cause Massive Inflation Very, Very Soon, Experts Who Predicted Massive Inflation Because of Trump’s Tariffs Very Soon Say.&#8221;
<h3><a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show" target="_blank" rel="noopener">WATCH: The Andrew Klavan Show</a></h3>
Here’s One From The New York Times: &#8220;Hardworking Migrant Juan Ortega May Lose His Chicken Farm as Trump’s Policies Cause the Bottom to Fall Out of Egg Prices.&#8221;
And here’s the Report from NPR: &#8220;How Lower Inflation Spurred the Rise of Hitler,&#8221; a historical report read by a person with a very soft, sleepy voice that will make you want to hurt yourself just to make it stop.
Another news story: Trump negotiated a ceasefire between hostile nuclear powers India and Pakistan.
From The Wall Street Journal: &#8220;Nuclear Devastation Averted, Leaving Millions Alive to Suffer Massive Inflation Very Soon Because of Donald Trump’s Tariffs, Experts who Predicted Massive Inflation Very Soon Because of Donald Trump’s Tariffs Say.&#8221;
Or from The New York Times: &#8220;Environmentalists Worry that Trump’s Reckless Actions on the Indian Subcontinent Will Leave Earth’s Population at Levels Sure to Cause Devastating Climate Change.&#8221;
Or the story as reported by NBC News: &#8220;Biden’s Policy of Mindlessly Prolonging Foreign Wars to No Effect Finally Pays Big Dividends by Bringing Peace Deal Between India and Pakistan.&#8221;
In other news, Trump negotiated the release of Edan Alexander, the last living American hostage being held by vampiric Palestinian monsters.
The headline in The Wall Street Journal reads: &#8220;Released Hostage Finds Himself in a World Soon to be Wracked by Massive Inflation Caused by Trump’s Tariffs, According to Experts.&#8221;
The New York Times headline was: &#8220;Sad Little Palestinian Boy Jihad Muhammed Sharia Jihad Jihad Muhammed Sheds Sad Tears of Very Sad Sadness as Genocidal Israelis Steal the Wonderful Friend his Parents Kept Chained up for Him in the Basement.&#8221;
And of course, CNN featured an interview with a Columbia University professor who once read part of a book on Israel and says the Jews sound genocidal to him until Scott Jennings knocks him unconscious and jumps up and down on his face.
Then there was the news that Donald Trump had negotiated several trillion dollars in American investment from Saudi Arabia.
The Wall Street Journal reported the story with the headline: &#8220;Saudis Want to Invest in America but Whoa Nellie, Just Wait Till They See the Massive Inflation that’s Going to be Caused by Trump’s Tariffs Any Day Now, Experts Say.&#8221;
The Headline in The New York Times reads: &#8220;Sad Yale Historian Who Studies Fascism Says He Is Leaving America Because Trump’s Presidency Will Look Just Like Fascism as Soon as It Looks Like Fascism.&#8221;
And CBS reported: &#8220;Weak Trump Caves to Saudi Demands that he take their Money.&#8221;
In other news, Trump struck a deal with China to free us from their hammerlock on our supply lines, brought down drug prices, bombed the Houthis into submission, opened U.K. markets to American farmers, made progress on a nuclear deal with Iran, and the headlines say….. oh, screw it.
***
This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “<a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Andrew Klavan Show</a>.”
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.
Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. Follow him on X: <a href="https://x.com/andrewklavan" target="_blank" rel="noopener">@andrewklavan</a>
Klavan is the bestselling author of numerous books, including the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The fourth installment, “<a href="https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1613165536?ref_=dbs_m_mng_rwt_calw_thcv_3&amp;storeType=ebooks" target="_blank" rel="noopener">A Woman Underground.</a>” His most recent nonfiction release is “<a href="https://www.amazon.com/Kingdom-Cain-Finding-Literature-Darkness/dp/0310368340/?_encoding=UTF8&amp;pd_rd_w=nMYjR&amp;content-id=amzn1.sym.bc3ba8d1-5076-4ab7-9ba8-a5c6211e002d&amp;pf_rd_p=bc3ba8d1-5076-4ab7-9ba8-a5c6211e002d&amp;pf_rd_r=133-8344803-2786917&amp;pd_rd_wg=7a8J3&amp;pd_rd_r=5791ea0f-6d96-4732-9d6a-3a4e6b348bb5&amp;ref_=aufs_ap_sc_dsk" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Kingdom of Cain: Finding God in the Literature of Darkness.</a>” (May 2025, Zondervan/HarperCollins).

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Trump’s Global Triumphs Cause Inflation Apocalypse, Say Analysts Cheering For Inflation Apocalypse

To prove that Donald Trump is a very mean person while journalists are totally compassionate and loving, CNN has aired a sympathetic interview with a member of a Mexican drug cartel. 
Now, I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “Oh, Klavan, you marvelous merchant of magical mirth, only you could invent a scenario in which a Left-wing news outlet sinks so deeply into the bubbling tarpit of its own twisted political hatred that the lunatic idea of legitimizing a death-mongering gangster could wend its way through every level of internal decision-making without one voice of even semi-decency speaking up to say, “Wait, wait, we can’t allow our childish demonization of our political opponents to twist our souls into gnarled burnt offerings fit only for the altars of hell so that we actually call evil good and good evil right there on cable TV in front of our six or seven viewers.”
But no, my friends, I am not making this up.
CNN girl reporter Shapely Nudnick actually traveled to a Mexican hideout where she spoke sympathetically with a masked member of the Sinaloa Drug Cartel, whose former boss El Chapo was said to be personally responsible for the deaths of over 34,000 people.
Ms. Nudnick, winner of this year’s Pulitzer prize for most attractive backside, fetchingly leaned forward and asked the masked gangster – and as God is my witness, I am not making this up, “According to the Trump Administration, you are a terrorist … What do you make of that?”
The masked member of the murderous cartel responded, “I don’t like to get overly emotional because my job depends on inspiring terror in anyone who tries to stand in my way, but I must be honest and tell you this slur from your President Trump hurt my feelings very deeply. I am just a man trying to make a living in this crazy world, and when I heard I had been labeled a terrorist, my hands were literally shaking so hard I could barely shove a screwdriver into the face of one of my rivals. I respect President Trump, and respect is very important because people who don’t return my respect are often found inside plastic bags in several different locations. But a man must eat and, to be fair, our customers are mostly in the United States and as any good businessman will tell you, you have to go where the customers are and then slowly poison them to death. I hope the American people will push back against this insult, and if they don’t, I know where they live.”
<h3><a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show" target="_blank" rel="noopener">WATCH: The Andrew Klavan Show</a> </h3>
CNN has proudly announced that this interview is only the first in a new series of self-degrading acts of pure evil that will appear over the course of the Trump Presidency, and they’ve been airing tantalizing previews of future episodes. In one clip, Shapely Nudnik bravely travels to an undisclosed elementary school to interview a pedophile teacher who says, “I think it’s very cruel for people to demonize someone they don’t even know with ugly words like pervert and evil scum-sucking hell-fiend. I just thank heavens I belong to a teachers’ union where they support the idea that minor attracted persons can work at an elementary school. After all, that’s where the children are, not to mention the porn.” 
In another clip, Miss Nudnick scores an interview with former Nazi torture doctor Joseph Mengele who says, “It’s true I used to perform grotesque and unspeakable medical experiments on children, but I’ve totally reformed, and now I’m supplying kids with gender affirming care, because I’ve had a lot of practice, and that’s what I’m good at.” 
In other Left-wing media news, the Pulitzer committee has awarded its prize for photography to a picture of a bullet flying at President Trump’s head. Committee Chairman Thaddeus Foul-heart said, “We know that other photo of a wounded Trump raising his fist with the American flag in the background is the single most iconic image of the first quarter of this century, but that photo inspired love and admiration for our president, whereas we were rooting for the bullet.”
* * *
This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “<a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Andrew Klavan Show</a>.”
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.
Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. Follow him on X: @andrewklavan
Klavan is the bestselling author of numerous books, including the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The fourth installment, “<a href="https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1613165536?ref_=dbs_m_mng_rwt_calw_thcv_3&amp;storeType=ebooks" target="_blank" rel="noopener">A Woman Underground.</a>” His most recent nonfiction release is “<a href="https://www.amazon.com/Kingdom-Cain-Finding-Literature-Darkness/dp/0310368340/?_encoding=UTF8&amp;pd_rd_w=nMYjR&amp;content-id=amzn1.sym.bc3ba8d1-5076-4ab7-9ba8-a5c6211e002d&amp;pf_rd_p=bc3ba8d1-5076-4ab7-9ba8-a5c6211e002d&amp;pf_rd_r=133-8344803-2786917&amp;pd_rd_wg=7a8J3&amp;pd_rd_r=5791ea0f-6d96-4732-9d6a-3a4e6b348bb5&amp;ref_=aufs_ap_sc_dsk" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Kingdom of Cain: Finding God in the Literature of Darkness.</a>” (May 2025, Zondervan/HarperCollins).

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CNN Airs Heartfelt Sit-Down With Masked Cartel Hitman

Democrats have been trying to come up with a fresh, original way to express their political positions and this week they finally found one: a sit-in! An idea so fresh and original, no one has thought of it since 1968, when leftism was still cool — because everyone was taking hallucinogens, so not only was leftism cool but there was also a giant pink rat eating your feet while you screamed for mercy.
The twelve hour sit-in on the steps of the Capitol came on the heels of an eight hour sleep-in where individual protestors expressed their views by lying unconscious on their beds at home for an entire night, followed by a 45 minute eat-in where the group gathered at various coffee shops and restaurants to defiantly drink coffee and eat some eggs and bacon with buttered toast and maybe a touch of strawberry jam. They then proceeded to the Capitol steps and, in a stunningly brave statement of opposition to something or other, actually sat down and continued sitting, in a way that would have made it very difficult for people to walk up the Capitol steps if they hadn’t been on their way to Michigan for the Trump rally.
The event was intended to inspire more support for Democrat policies like allowing gangster illegals to remain in our country, cutting the testicles off little boys so their mentally ill parents can pretend they’re girls, reading perverse pornography to kindergartners in public schools, and destroying our energy supplies and replacing them with gigantic windmills so that when China takes us over, they won’t have any electricity either.
To raise the inspiration level to even greater heights, the sit-in included a homosexual rabbi who led a sing-along while everyone around him joined in by averting their eyes and pretending they were someplace else where something different was happening.
<h3><a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show" target="_blank" rel="noopener">WATCH: The Andrew Klavan Show</a></h3>
After the sing-along, Cory Booker, the Senator from the state of completely ridiculous, made a speech to the imaginary multitude who would have been there had they not been on their way to Michigan. Booker said: “First of all, I want to thank the rabbi for violating every Old Testament precept to show his support for homosexuality today. It takes tremendous courage for a Jewish man to stand up in opposition to the law God gave to Moses since in the past that has never worked out very well. Even now, there’s a man with a ‘Free Palestine’ sign sitting right behind him so things are not looking good because, as we all know, the Palestinians would happily behead the homosexual rabbi and everyone he loves given half a chance. And so thank you for your courage, homosexual rabbi, and I say this even though I myself am not at all homosexual. In fact, I have a girlfriend in Canada where I sometimes visit her to have sex in a very manly male to female way that it is not homosexual at all. Because I am Spartacus, or at least I enjoy wearing a short leather skirt and prancing around without my shirt on, which amounts to the same thing in my book, a book that should be read to every five-year-old in public schools across this country so we can begin to change our culture until I don’t have to live this lie anymore. But in the meantime, let me just say: This is a moral moment. And no, I don’t know what that means exactly either, but it makes me sound very strong and masculine, so I guess it’s sort of like having a girlfriend in Canada. And in a moral moment like this moral moment, it is time for everyone to sit down like we’re doing here today and then continue sitting down until we have been sitting down for a very long time. That will surely improve the messaging for our insane and evil policies.”
After Booker’s stirring speech, the sit-in continued for another half hour, during which President Trump deported more gangsters, killed more terrorists, brought down prices, isolated China, ended government censorship, dismantled racialist hiring practices, protected women’s sports and lifted an ABC anchorman by the ankles then dipped his head in tar. But the sit-in was important too.
* * *
This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “<a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Andrew Klavan Show</a>.”
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.
Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. Follow him on X: @andrewklavan
Klavan is the bestselling author of numerous books, including the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The fourth installment, “<a href="https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1613165536?ref_=dbs_m_mng_rwt_calw_thcv_3&amp;storeType=ebooks" target="_blank" rel="noopener">A Woman Underground.</a>” His most recent nonfiction release is “<a href="https://www.amazon.com/Kingdom-Cain-Finding-Literature-Darkness/dp/0310368340/?_encoding=UTF8&amp;pd_rd_w=nMYjR&amp;content-id=amzn1.sym.bc3ba8d1-5076-4ab7-9ba8-a5c6211e002d&amp;pf_rd_p=bc3ba8d1-5076-4ab7-9ba8-a5c6211e002d&amp;pf_rd_r=133-8344803-2786917&amp;pd_rd_wg=7a8J3&amp;pd_rd_r=5791ea0f-6d96-4732-9d6a-3a4e6b348bb5&amp;ref_=aufs_ap_sc_dsk" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Kingdom of Cain: Finding God in the Literature of Darkness.</a>” (May 2025, Zondervan/HarperCollins).

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Cory Booker Leads Sing-Along On Capitol Steps

I believe that America’s core ideals are very much linked to its Christian faith. So as Easter has just passed, I thought this would be a good time to take a closer look at the state of the American church and then weep quietly and say it was a great country while it lasted.
Now, according to a Pew poll, 62% of Americans identify as Christian. This is a slight drop from the 1697 poll which showed 99.9% of Americans were Christian with one heretic hiding in the woods hoping some long-haired guy with a buckle on his hat wouldn’t blow his head off with a blunderbuss.
But today’s religious landscape looks different depending on political affiliation. For instance, on the political Left, 43% of those who identify as progressives say they have abandoned Christianity and become Episcopalians. Fourteen percent of progressives say they have renounced the corrupt beliefs of colonizing white men, have returned to the innocent and beautiful natural religion of indigenous peoples, and were preparing to sacrifice a virgin to the volcano God until they realized that by the time they were sure she was a virgin, she wasn’t a virgin anymore, and if they threw her into a volcano there’d be no one left who knew how to make breakfast.
Other progressives say they are sick of the sort of restrictive religions that ruined the 1950’s by making everything so great. Instead they have turned to more modern faiths with practices that reflect the moral progress of mankind. These practices include yogic meditation, ritual mindfulness, and tantric sex followed by butchering any unborn babies conceived during tantric sex, then celebrating the mass slaughter by dancing around a pole in a wild blood-drenched frenzy, getting a full body tattoo featuring goat-headed demi-gods with flaming eyes, then running naked through a forest while grunting inarticulately and listening to music that’s mostly composed of drumbeats and shrieking because classic rock is just the best.
<h3><a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show" target="_blank" rel="noopener">WATCH: The Andrew Klavan Show</a></h3>
Among Christians on the political Right, 17% say they believe in Christ so hard they’ll kill anyone who disagrees with them, 14% say their faith is so strong they might even be willing to go to church as long as porn is provided, and 8% say their worship mostly involves posting unspeakably cruel remarks on social media to people who aren’t as Christly as they are. Four percent of conservative Christians say they have abandoned their own egos for Christ’s sake and have thus elevated their souls into a state of suffering-yet-serene agape love, and are now hiding in the woods hoping some long-haired guy with a buckle on his hat won’t blow their heads off with a blunderbuss.
The remaining 57% of Right-wing Christians spend most of their time sobbing and whispering, “Oh God, I suck so bad, please, please, please have mercy on me and don’t send me to hell or California.”
As far as other American religions go, 94% of limousine drivers identify as Muslims, 16% of Christian women pretend they’re Buddhists, and 82% of Jews control 90% of everything except which parts of Ivy League campuses they’re allowed to walk on without one of their professors pointing at them and making that awful insect noise like Donald Sutherland at the end of “Invasion of the Body Snatchers.”
Approximately 29% of Americans have no religion whatsoever and they say that makes life much easier because they&#8217;re able to rotate their heads 360 degrees and spider walk across the ceiling, which comes in very handy when they’re trying to escape from the exorcist.
Around the world, the religious landscape is much more varied. For instance, in Great Britain, while 47% of the people identify as Christian, 70% of them say that Islam is also absolutely great, totally fine, really wonderful and not a problem at all, no, really, it’s fantastic, they’re not just saying that because they’d be arrested for telling the truth.
In France, 49% of the population were excited because they thought they belonged to a dark, obscure, mystery cult with elaborate secret rituals until they found out they were actually just Catholics.
And in China, 23% of high-ranking Communists identify their kidneys as Uiger.
* * *
This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “<a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Andrew Klavan Show</a>.”
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.
Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. Follow him on X: @andrewklavan
Klavan is the bestselling author of numerous books, including the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The fourth installment, “<a href="https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1613165536?ref_=dbs_m_mng_rwt_calw_thcv_3&amp;storeType=ebooks" target="_blank" rel="noopener">A Woman Underground.</a>” His most recent nonfiction release is “<a href="https://www.amazon.com/Kingdom-Cain-Finding-Literature-Darkness/dp/0310368340/?_encoding=UTF8&amp;pd_rd_w=nMYjR&amp;content-id=amzn1.sym.bc3ba8d1-5076-4ab7-9ba8-a5c6211e002d&amp;pf_rd_p=bc3ba8d1-5076-4ab7-9ba8-a5c6211e002d&amp;pf_rd_r=133-8344803-2786917&amp;pd_rd_wg=7a8J3&amp;pd_rd_r=5791ea0f-6d96-4732-9d6a-3a4e6b348bb5&amp;ref_=aufs_ap_sc_dsk" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Kingdom of Cain: Finding God in the Literature of Darkness.</a>” (May 2025, Zondervan/HarperCollins).

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Progressives Abandon Christianity, Become Episcopalian

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