It’s Time To Talk Issues Even Though I Don’t Care Either [Satire]

The election is drawing near, and while the media tries to distract us by gabbling about whether Trump is wearing a mask or by covering up allegations that Joe Biden is as corrupt as Ben Gazzara in Road House before Patrick Swayze kicked him in the face as he so very richly deserved, let’s get serious and take a look at the issues.

What do the candidates believe and how will those beliefs translate into policy? I know — I don’t care either. But let’s see if we can find out anyway.