The election is drawing near, and while the media tries to distract us by gabbling about whether Trump is wearing a mask or by covering up allegations that Joe Biden is as corrupt as Ben Gazzara in Road House before Patrick Swayze kicked him in the face as he so very richly deserved, let’s get serious and take a look at the issues.
What do the candidates believe and how will those beliefs translate into policy? I know — I don’t care either. But let’s see if we can find out anyway.
Donald Trump believes in low taxes and deregulation.
Joe Biden believes he’s in Ohio when, in fact, he’s outside a warehouse in Sheboygan, wondering when the stagecoach will arrive to take him to Cal-i-forn-i-ay.
Donald Trump believes in putting America first.
Joe Biden believes there’s a stain on his basement wall that bears a remarkable resemblance to Elmer Fudd or possibly Antarctica.
Donald Trump believes the news media is corrupt and dishonest.
Joe Biden believes the news media is those fuzzy shapes at the other end of the gym who keep asking him to pass judgment on the soul of Donald Trump, whoever that is.
Donald Trump says China is responsible for spreading the novel Coronavirus and should be punished.
Joe Biden says, “C’mon, man, here’s the deal,” and then hopes no one will ask him where China is on a map, or what China is, or where he is, or who he is.
Donald Trump wants to know if Americans are going to let a virus dominate their lives.
Joe Biden wants to know if it’s safe to come out yet.
Donald Trump looks forward to building a space force and taking America to Mars and beyond.
Joe Biden looks forward to building the new Lego Super Mario set and hopes he can finish before Jill makes him go out and talk to those fuzzy shapes in the gym again.
Donald Trump believes if Joe Biden is elected, Kamala Harris will be the president.
So does Joe Biden.
More satire from Andrew Klavan: Democrat Senators Declared Stupidest Senators Of All Possible Senators