The election is drawing near, and while the media tries to distract us by gabbling about whether Trump is wearing a mask or by covering up allegations that Joe Biden is as corrupt as Ben Gazzara in Road House before Patrick Swayze kicked him in the face as he so very richly deserved, let’s get serious and take a look at the issues.
What do the candidates believe and how will those beliefs translate into policy? I know — I don’t care either. But let’s see if we can find out anyway.
Donald Trump believes in low taxes and deregulation.
Joe Biden believes he’s in Ohio when, in fact, he’s outside a warehouse in Sheboygan, wondering when the stagecoach will arrive to take him to Cal-i-forn-i-ay.
Donald Trump believes in putting America first.
Joe Biden believes there’s a stain on his basement wall that bears a remarkable resemblance to Elmer Fudd or possibly Antarctica.
Donald Trump believes the news media is corrupt and dishonest.
Joe Biden believes the news media is those fuzzy shapes at the other end of the gym who keep asking him to pass judgment on the soul of Donald Trump, whoever that is.
Donald Trump says China is responsible for spreading the novel Coronavirus and should be punished.
Joe Biden says, “C’mon, man, here’s the deal,” and then hopes no one will ask him where China is on a map, or what China is, or where he is, or who he is.
Donald Trump wants to know if Americans are going to let a virus dominate their lives.
Joe Biden wants to know if it’s safe to come out yet.
Donald Trump looks forward to building a space force and taking America to Mars and beyond.
Joe Biden looks forward to building the new Lego Super Mario set and hopes he can finish before Jill makes him go out and talk to those fuzzy shapes in the gym again.
Donald Trump believes if Joe Biden is elected, Kamala Harris will be the president.
So does Joe Biden.
More satire from Andrew Klavan: <a href="https://www.dailywire.com/news/democrat-senators-declared-stupidest-senators-of-all-possible-senators-satire">Democrat Senators Declared Stupidest Senators Of All Possible Senators</a> 

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It’s Time To Talk Issues Even Though I Don’t Care Either [Satire]

CONTINUE READING

To prove that Donald Trump is a very mean person while journalists are totally compassionate and loving, CNN has aired a sympathetic interview with a member of a Mexican drug cartel. 
Now, I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “Oh, Klavan, you marvelous merchant of magical mirth, only you could invent a scenario in which a Left-wing news outlet sinks so deeply into the bubbling tarpit of its own twisted political hatred that the lunatic idea of legitimizing a death-mongering gangster could wend its way through every level of internal decision-making without one voice of even semi-decency speaking up to say, “Wait, wait, we can’t allow our childish demonization of our political opponents to twist our souls into gnarled burnt offerings fit only for the altars of hell so that we actually call evil good and good evil right there on cable TV in front of our six or seven viewers.”
But no, my friends, I am not making this up.
CNN girl reporter Shapely Nudnick actually traveled to a Mexican hideout where she spoke sympathetically with a masked member of the Sinaloa Drug Cartel, whose former boss El Chapo was said to be personally responsible for the deaths of over 34,000 people.
Ms. Nudnick, winner of this year’s Pulitzer prize for most attractive backside, fetchingly leaned forward and asked the masked gangster – and as God is my witness, I am not making this up, “According to the Trump Administration, you are a terrorist … What do you make of that?”
The masked member of the murderous cartel responded, “I don’t like to get overly emotional because my job depends on inspiring terror in anyone who tries to stand in my way, but I must be honest and tell you this slur from your President Trump hurt my feelings very deeply. I am just a man trying to make a living in this crazy world, and when I heard I had been labeled a terrorist, my hands were literally shaking so hard I could barely shove a screwdriver into the face of one of my rivals. I respect President Trump, and respect is very important because people who don’t return my respect are often found inside plastic bags in several different locations. But a man must eat and, to be fair, our customers are mostly in the United States and as any good businessman will tell you, you have to go where the customers are and then slowly poison them to death. I hope the American people will push back against this insult, and if they don’t, I know where they live.”
<h3><a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show" target="_blank" rel="noopener">WATCH: The Andrew Klavan Show</a> </h3>
CNN has proudly announced that this interview is only the first in a new series of self-degrading acts of pure evil that will appear over the course of the Trump Presidency, and they’ve been airing tantalizing previews of future episodes. In one clip, Shapely Nudnik bravely travels to an undisclosed elementary school to interview a pedophile teacher who says, “I think it’s very cruel for people to demonize someone they don’t even know with ugly words like pervert and evil scum-sucking hell-fiend. I just thank heavens I belong to a teachers’ union where they support the idea that minor attracted persons can work at an elementary school. After all, that’s where the children are, not to mention the porn.” 
In another clip, Miss Nudnick scores an interview with former Nazi torture doctor Joseph Mengele who says, “It’s true I used to perform grotesque and unspeakable medical experiments on children, but I’ve totally reformed, and now I’m supplying kids with gender affirming care, because I’ve had a lot of practice, and that’s what I’m good at.” 
In other Left-wing media news, the Pulitzer committee has awarded its prize for photography to a picture of a bullet flying at President Trump’s head. Committee Chairman Thaddeus Foul-heart said, “We know that other photo of a wounded Trump raising his fist with the American flag in the background is the single most iconic image of the first quarter of this century, but that photo inspired love and admiration for our president, whereas we were rooting for the bullet.”
* * *
This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “<a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Andrew Klavan Show</a>.”
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.
Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. Follow him on X: @andrewklavan
Klavan is the bestselling author of numerous books, including the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The fourth installment, “<a href="https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1613165536?ref_=dbs_m_mng_rwt_calw_thcv_3&amp;storeType=ebooks" target="_blank" rel="noopener">A Woman Underground.</a>” His most recent nonfiction release is “<a href="https://www.amazon.com/Kingdom-Cain-Finding-Literature-Darkness/dp/0310368340/?_encoding=UTF8&amp;pd_rd_w=nMYjR&amp;content-id=amzn1.sym.bc3ba8d1-5076-4ab7-9ba8-a5c6211e002d&amp;pf_rd_p=bc3ba8d1-5076-4ab7-9ba8-a5c6211e002d&amp;pf_rd_r=133-8344803-2786917&amp;pd_rd_wg=7a8J3&amp;pd_rd_r=5791ea0f-6d96-4732-9d6a-3a4e6b348bb5&amp;ref_=aufs_ap_sc_dsk" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Kingdom of Cain: Finding God in the Literature of Darkness.</a>” (May 2025, Zondervan/HarperCollins).

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CNN Airs Heartfelt Sit-Down With Masked Cartel Hitman

Democrats have been trying to come up with a fresh, original way to express their political positions and this week they finally found one: a sit-in! An idea so fresh and original, no one has thought of it since 1968, when leftism was still cool — because everyone was taking hallucinogens, so not only was leftism cool but there was also a giant pink rat eating your feet while you screamed for mercy.
The twelve hour sit-in on the steps of the Capitol came on the heels of an eight hour sleep-in where individual protestors expressed their views by lying unconscious on their beds at home for an entire night, followed by a 45 minute eat-in where the group gathered at various coffee shops and restaurants to defiantly drink coffee and eat some eggs and bacon with buttered toast and maybe a touch of strawberry jam. They then proceeded to the Capitol steps and, in a stunningly brave statement of opposition to something or other, actually sat down and continued sitting, in a way that would have made it very difficult for people to walk up the Capitol steps if they hadn’t been on their way to Michigan for the Trump rally.
The event was intended to inspire more support for Democrat policies like allowing gangster illegals to remain in our country, cutting the testicles off little boys so their mentally ill parents can pretend they’re girls, reading perverse pornography to kindergartners in public schools, and destroying our energy supplies and replacing them with gigantic windmills so that when China takes us over, they won’t have any electricity either.
To raise the inspiration level to even greater heights, the sit-in included a homosexual rabbi who led a sing-along while everyone around him joined in by averting their eyes and pretending they were someplace else where something different was happening.
<h3><a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show" target="_blank" rel="noopener">WATCH: The Andrew Klavan Show</a></h3>
After the sing-along, Cory Booker, the Senator from the state of completely ridiculous, made a speech to the imaginary multitude who would have been there had they not been on their way to Michigan. Booker said: “First of all, I want to thank the rabbi for violating every Old Testament precept to show his support for homosexuality today. It takes tremendous courage for a Jewish man to stand up in opposition to the law God gave to Moses since in the past that has never worked out very well. Even now, there’s a man with a ‘Free Palestine’ sign sitting right behind him so things are not looking good because, as we all know, the Palestinians would happily behead the homosexual rabbi and everyone he loves given half a chance. And so thank you for your courage, homosexual rabbi, and I say this even though I myself am not at all homosexual. In fact, I have a girlfriend in Canada where I sometimes visit her to have sex in a very manly male to female way that it is not homosexual at all. Because I am Spartacus, or at least I enjoy wearing a short leather skirt and prancing around without my shirt on, which amounts to the same thing in my book, a book that should be read to every five-year-old in public schools across this country so we can begin to change our culture until I don’t have to live this lie anymore. But in the meantime, let me just say: This is a moral moment. And no, I don’t know what that means exactly either, but it makes me sound very strong and masculine, so I guess it’s sort of like having a girlfriend in Canada. And in a moral moment like this moral moment, it is time for everyone to sit down like we’re doing here today and then continue sitting down until we have been sitting down for a very long time. That will surely improve the messaging for our insane and evil policies.”
After Booker’s stirring speech, the sit-in continued for another half hour, during which President Trump deported more gangsters, killed more terrorists, brought down prices, isolated China, ended government censorship, dismantled racialist hiring practices, protected women’s sports and lifted an ABC anchorman by the ankles then dipped his head in tar. But the sit-in was important too.
* * *
This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “<a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Andrew Klavan Show</a>.”
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.
Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. Follow him on X: @andrewklavan
Klavan is the bestselling author of numerous books, including the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The fourth installment, “<a href="https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1613165536?ref_=dbs_m_mng_rwt_calw_thcv_3&amp;storeType=ebooks" target="_blank" rel="noopener">A Woman Underground.</a>” His most recent nonfiction release is “<a href="https://www.amazon.com/Kingdom-Cain-Finding-Literature-Darkness/dp/0310368340/?_encoding=UTF8&amp;pd_rd_w=nMYjR&amp;content-id=amzn1.sym.bc3ba8d1-5076-4ab7-9ba8-a5c6211e002d&amp;pf_rd_p=bc3ba8d1-5076-4ab7-9ba8-a5c6211e002d&amp;pf_rd_r=133-8344803-2786917&amp;pd_rd_wg=7a8J3&amp;pd_rd_r=5791ea0f-6d96-4732-9d6a-3a4e6b348bb5&amp;ref_=aufs_ap_sc_dsk" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Kingdom of Cain: Finding God in the Literature of Darkness.</a>” (May 2025, Zondervan/HarperCollins).

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Cory Booker Leads Sing-Along On Capitol Steps

I believe that America’s core ideals are very much linked to its Christian faith. So as Easter has just passed, I thought this would be a good time to take a closer look at the state of the American church and then weep quietly and say it was a great country while it lasted.
Now, according to a Pew poll, 62% of Americans identify as Christian. This is a slight drop from the 1697 poll which showed 99.9% of Americans were Christian with one heretic hiding in the woods hoping some long-haired guy with a buckle on his hat wouldn’t blow his head off with a blunderbuss.
But today’s religious landscape looks different depending on political affiliation. For instance, on the political Left, 43% of those who identify as progressives say they have abandoned Christianity and become Episcopalians. Fourteen percent of progressives say they have renounced the corrupt beliefs of colonizing white men, have returned to the innocent and beautiful natural religion of indigenous peoples, and were preparing to sacrifice a virgin to the volcano God until they realized that by the time they were sure she was a virgin, she wasn’t a virgin anymore, and if they threw her into a volcano there’d be no one left who knew how to make breakfast.
Other progressives say they are sick of the sort of restrictive religions that ruined the 1950’s by making everything so great. Instead they have turned to more modern faiths with practices that reflect the moral progress of mankind. These practices include yogic meditation, ritual mindfulness, and tantric sex followed by butchering any unborn babies conceived during tantric sex, then celebrating the mass slaughter by dancing around a pole in a wild blood-drenched frenzy, getting a full body tattoo featuring goat-headed demi-gods with flaming eyes, then running naked through a forest while grunting inarticulately and listening to music that’s mostly composed of drumbeats and shrieking because classic rock is just the best.
<h3><a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show" target="_blank" rel="noopener">WATCH: The Andrew Klavan Show</a></h3>
Among Christians on the political Right, 17% say they believe in Christ so hard they’ll kill anyone who disagrees with them, 14% say their faith is so strong they might even be willing to go to church as long as porn is provided, and 8% say their worship mostly involves posting unspeakably cruel remarks on social media to people who aren’t as Christly as they are. Four percent of conservative Christians say they have abandoned their own egos for Christ’s sake and have thus elevated their souls into a state of suffering-yet-serene agape love, and are now hiding in the woods hoping some long-haired guy with a buckle on his hat won’t blow their heads off with a blunderbuss.
The remaining 57% of Right-wing Christians spend most of their time sobbing and whispering, “Oh God, I suck so bad, please, please, please have mercy on me and don’t send me to hell or California.”
As far as other American religions go, 94% of limousine drivers identify as Muslims, 16% of Christian women pretend they’re Buddhists, and 82% of Jews control 90% of everything except which parts of Ivy League campuses they’re allowed to walk on without one of their professors pointing at them and making that awful insect noise like Donald Sutherland at the end of “Invasion of the Body Snatchers.”
Approximately 29% of Americans have no religion whatsoever and they say that makes life much easier because they&#8217;re able to rotate their heads 360 degrees and spider walk across the ceiling, which comes in very handy when they’re trying to escape from the exorcist.
Around the world, the religious landscape is much more varied. For instance, in Great Britain, while 47% of the people identify as Christian, 70% of them say that Islam is also absolutely great, totally fine, really wonderful and not a problem at all, no, really, it’s fantastic, they’re not just saying that because they’d be arrested for telling the truth.
In France, 49% of the population were excited because they thought they belonged to a dark, obscure, mystery cult with elaborate secret rituals until they found out they were actually just Catholics.
And in China, 23% of high-ranking Communists identify their kidneys as Uiger.
* * *
This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “<a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Andrew Klavan Show</a>.”
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.
Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. Follow him on X: @andrewklavan
Klavan is the bestselling author of numerous books, including the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The fourth installment, “<a href="https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1613165536?ref_=dbs_m_mng_rwt_calw_thcv_3&amp;storeType=ebooks" target="_blank" rel="noopener">A Woman Underground.</a>” His most recent nonfiction release is “<a href="https://www.amazon.com/Kingdom-Cain-Finding-Literature-Darkness/dp/0310368340/?_encoding=UTF8&amp;pd_rd_w=nMYjR&amp;content-id=amzn1.sym.bc3ba8d1-5076-4ab7-9ba8-a5c6211e002d&amp;pf_rd_p=bc3ba8d1-5076-4ab7-9ba8-a5c6211e002d&amp;pf_rd_r=133-8344803-2786917&amp;pd_rd_wg=7a8J3&amp;pd_rd_r=5791ea0f-6d96-4732-9d6a-3a4e6b348bb5&amp;ref_=aufs_ap_sc_dsk" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Kingdom of Cain: Finding God in the Literature of Darkness.</a>” (May 2025, Zondervan/HarperCollins).

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Progressives Abandon Christianity, Become Episcopalian

In an act of heroic defiance against the oppressive tyranny of Donald Trump, the leadership of Harvard University has bravely declared that, no matter what pressure Trump brings against them, they will not surrender their constitutional right to be the worst people in the country.
The conflict between the university and the administration began after hundreds of Harvard students flooded the campus calling for genocide against the Jews. Further investigation suggested the students may have picked up their antisemitic ideas from what they learned in such Harvard classes as Studies in Antisemitism in which the final exam required students to flood the campus and call for genocide against the Jews. Finally, then-Harvard president Claudine Gay refused to denounce the antisemitic actions and was forced to resign when the board discovered she wasn’t really gay, that just happened to be her name.
Trump reacted cruelly, threatening to deprive Harvard of billions of dollars in federal funding if the University administration does not at least try to demonstrate they possess something vaguely resembling human decency. In order to keep the federal dollars flowing, Trump says, Harvard’s leadership and faculty would have to (one) stop hating Jews, (two), stop teaching their students to hate Jews and (three), hire professors who will introduce students to ideas other than hating Jews or at least hint that such ideas exist or at least refrain from screaming at the students and calling them names when they wonder aloud whether such ideas might exist or if the whole intellectual world resembles the flaming hate-filled hellscape of Harvard University.
But Harvard’s current President, Adolf Ratbag, declares that he absolutely refuses to let a fascist like Trump bully him into humane behavior. In a statement that sounded better in the original German, President Ratbag shook his fist at Shlomo Judenstein, an invisible imaginary enemy who has followed him around since childhood, and shouted, “In a free society, our greatest university cannot compromise our right to sink into a morass of intellectual degradation based on false premises. We have a sacred responsibility to mold America’s best and brightest into dark, gnarled souls reminiscent of images of the damned in medieval paintings of the Last Judgement. It was one thing when Obama insisted we deprive male students of their due process rights whenever they got accused of sexual malfeasance by some girl who once got so drunk she slept with the entire crew team. It was another thing when Biden declared that Title IX required us to give equal treatment to women and men who say they’re women and a pair of poodles who were dressed up in pink sweaters and adorable fluffy hats by a six-year-old who wanted to pretend they were women. At least, those demands were in keeping with our undying commitment to sexual perversity and moral turpitude. But when a thug like Trump demands we have to replace our sterling array of professors who are morally deformed leftist troglodytes with teachers dedicated to shaping young minds to the good, he has crossed the line. As far as we’re concerned, Trump would be worse than Adolf Hitler, if Adolf Hitler were a bad guy.”
<h3><a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show">WATCH: The Andrew Klavan Show</a></h3>
To further demonstrate the university’s heroically unyielding stance, Professor Ratbag released this year’s Harvard syllabus to the media. The syllabus promises that the university will continue to provide such classes as Western Civilization 101, What it is and how to destroy it; Introduction to Shakespeare and the King James Bible, How they can light our way if only we set them on fire; and Giving Up Whiteness, in which students will stop using any device invented by a white male beginning on the first day of class at noon and ending around 12:05 because, let’s face it, those bastards invented everything.
The Trump administration says it will continue to withhold funds until Harvard not only changes the syllabus, but also cancels a planned musical based on Mein Kampf and changes the school slogan back to “Veritas” instead of “Look Out, There’s a Jew Sneaking Up Behind You!”
Pledging resistance, President Ratbag and his administration have taken refuge in an underground bunker where they plan to watch the movie “Downfall” over and over in the hope it inspires them with some fresh ideas.
* * *
This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “<a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Andrew Klavan Show</a>.”
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.
Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. Follow him on X: @andrewklavan
Klavan is the bestselling author of numerous books, including the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The fourth installment, “<a href="https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1613165536?ref_=dbs_m_mng_rwt_calw_thcv_3&amp;storeType=ebooks" target="_blank" rel="noopener">A Woman Underground.</a>” His most recent nonfiction release is “<a href="https://www.amazon.com/Kingdom-Cain-Finding-Literature-Darkness/dp/0310368340/?_encoding=UTF8&amp;pd_rd_w=nMYjR&amp;content-id=amzn1.sym.bc3ba8d1-5076-4ab7-9ba8-a5c6211e002d&amp;pf_rd_p=bc3ba8d1-5076-4ab7-9ba8-a5c6211e002d&amp;pf_rd_r=133-8344803-2786917&amp;pd_rd_wg=7a8J3&amp;pd_rd_r=5791ea0f-6d96-4732-9d6a-3a4e6b348bb5&amp;ref_=aufs_ap_sc_dsk" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Kingdom of Cain: Finding God in the Literature of Darkness.</a>” (May 2025, Zondervan/HarperCollins).

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Harvard President, Adolf Ratbag, Refuses To Allow Trump To Bully Him Into Humane Behavior

Some people feel that the news media reacted to Trump’s tariff strategy like an hysterical woman who imagines she saw a mouse in her bedroom and leaps up onto a chair shrieking insanely until her husband rushes out of the bathroom where he’s been locked away with his iPad for the last two hours and tells her to calm the hell down which only makes her more upset so she starts babbling incoherently that it’s not about the mouse, it’s about the fact that she feels neglected, whereupon her husband breaks down and admits he’s been struggling with a porn addiction which makes her start sobbing uncontrollably because now she feels unattractive on top of everything else and the husband says, well, excuse me, but I have to go back to struggling with my porn addiction and locks himself in the bathroom again so that the woman totally flies off the handle, sets the house on fire and runs into the street screaming about Trump’s tariff strategy — until a doctor arrives and gives her a bunch of sedatives, proving that men never take women seriously because they sound just like the news media. Other people feel the news media reacted to Trump’s strategy more like a man who is locked in the bathroom with his pants around his ankles and suddenly realizes his house is on fire.
Now personally, I worry that this open distrust of American journalism may cause many people to have negative feelings about the most corrupt and destructive industry in the country. So let’s take a look at some of these tariff news reports and you can judge for yourself — or just let me judge for you, which will probably work out better for everyone.
In one example, the New York Times, a former newspaper, greeted the tariffs with a headline in 147 point type, reading: “Reee Reee Reee. Look out! Trump is Creeping Up Behind You! He May Already be Inside the House! Run for Your Life! Reee Reee Reee!”
Conversely, the Wall Street Journal, which was a newspaper until much more recently, greeted the turmoil in the stock market with a thoughtful op-ed by Milburn Pennybags, the CEO of the famous investment firm Sacks of Goldman. Mr. Pennybags wrote: “I don’t want to hear about some imaginary division between Wall Street and Main Street. We’re all together in this as Americans, each one doing his part, whether he&#8217;s helping to decrease the surplus population by overdosing on opiates in the gutter of a deserted street in what was once a thriving factory town or he’s sailing his yacht from one sun-drenched tax haven to another while panicking over the fact that he lost half a percent of the $400 billion he earned doing what looks for all the world like absolutely nothing. The fact is: Trump is destroying an economy that, to my mind, has been good for absolutely everyone, because to my mind, I am absolutely everyone.”
<h3><a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show" target="_blank" rel="noopener">WATCH: The Andrew Klavan Show</a></h3>
Administration officials have maintained that Trump is trying to revolutionize a financial system that has left the U.S. at the mercy of the oppressive Communist regime in China. But NBC News’s Chinese Correspondent Ai Hei Chu disagreed. In a report from a submarine off the coast of Greenland, Chu said, “The financial system has been working wonderfully for decades, facilitating friendly relations between the United States and our much wiser overlords in Beijing. Without them, our iPhones would cost much more money and we would not be able to distract ourselves with soul-deadening videos while hostile foreigners take over our food and medical supplies. I even think we are well prepared for a potential war with China, as long as China will sell us enough bullets.”
CNN’s tariff reaction went viral after it was posted on X with the caption, “Conservative Scott Jennings slaughters, dismembers and buries the body parts of clueless liberal commentator.” The accompanying video showed CNN commentator Libby Clueless saying, “I think tariffs are just like Hitler because they’re German and have a small mustache,” whereupon Scott Jennings hurled himself across the desk, slaughtered her, dismembered her and was in the process of burying her body parts when he was apprehended and appointed assistant Treasury Secretary.
* * *
This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “<a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Andrew Klavan Show</a>.”
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.
Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. Follow him on X: @andrewklavan
Klavan is the bestselling author of numerous books, including the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The fourth installment, “<a href="https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1613165536?ref_=dbs_m_mng_rwt_calw_thcv_3&amp;storeType=ebooks" target="_blank" rel="noopener">A Woman Underground.</a>” His most recent nonfiction release is “<a href="https://www.amazon.com/Kingdom-Cain-Finding-Literature-Darkness/dp/0310368340/?_encoding=UTF8&amp;pd_rd_w=nMYjR&amp;content-id=amzn1.sym.bc3ba8d1-5076-4ab7-9ba8-a5c6211e002d&amp;pf_rd_p=bc3ba8d1-5076-4ab7-9ba8-a5c6211e002d&amp;pf_rd_r=133-8344803-2786917&amp;pd_rd_wg=7a8J3&amp;pd_rd_r=5791ea0f-6d96-4732-9d6a-3a4e6b348bb5&amp;ref_=aufs_ap_sc_dsk" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Kingdom of Cain: Finding God in the Literature of Darkness.</a>” (May 2025, Zondervan/HarperCollins).

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Journalists And Other Democrats Lose Their Minds Over Tariffs

Trust in the news media has dropped so far that after people watch Margaret Brennan on “Face the Nation,” they check their wrist to make sure she hasn’t stolen their watch. A new Gallup poll shows that 53% of Americans believe journalists are two-faced, lying dirtbags who have sunk so low they could walk under a snake’s belly with a top hat on. 36% say they couldn’t do it with a top hat but probably could with a derby or maybe a fedora. The remaining 11% say they watched the news just last night and think journalists are great, or maybe that was “Matlock” and they mean lawyers.
The White House Correspondents Association — or White House Correspondents Ass, for short — became concerned over the media’s falling popularity after White House Smokeshow Karoline Leavitt announced that, from now on, new media reporters would get front row seats at press briefings, while legacy reporters would be required to stand in the corner and repeat, “I will not lie about the president,” 400 times before they can ask a question, and even then can only ask it silently in their minds. 
The President of the White House Correspondents ASS Mr. Schmuckface McLowlife protested Miss Leavitt’s decision and said he would do anything to be allowed to sit close to her again or just to have a garment that still smelled of her perfume. Miss Leavitt responded, “Get the hell away from me, you creep,” which Mr. McLowlife took as a good sign, since at least she acknowledged his existence.
<h3><a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show" target="_blank" rel="noopener">WATCH: The Andrew Klavan Show</a></h3>
In an attempt to win back the good will of the public, journalists have hired a new spokesman, the accomplished hypnotist Swami Origami Umami, who is so excited to make the journalists’ case that he’s taken a pay cut from his former job of running the three card monte game off the top of a cardboard box outside the Port Authority Bus Terminal in Manhattan.
The Daily Wire interviewed Swami Umami, and we’re pleased to publish the transcript of that Q and A.
Q: Swami Umami, after the news media actively covered up Joe Biden’s dementia, why should anyone trust them ever again?
A: Concentrate on the tip of my finger. Listen to the sound of my voice. Sleep now. And when I snap my finger, you will awake knowing that the news media was dogged in bringing the truth to the American public. Here’s a new book by Jake Tapper that explains how he and other intrepid journalists uncovered Biden’s dementia. Would Jake Tapper write such a book if it weren’t true? Of course not.
Q: Yes, I guess Jake really did try to find out… No, wait, wait, that’s ridiculous. He lied like a dog, so did the rest of the press corps. And what about the Russian Collusion hoax? The news media held up the country for two years with that garbage even though they knew it was a psy-op by the Clinton campaign in league with a corrupt FBI and CIA.
A: Think of a rippling lagoon beneath a gently whispering waterfall. Imagine the steady plashing of the water as you drift into a peaceful trance. Now look: The New York Times and the Washington Post won Pulitzer Prizes for their work on Russian Collusion. Repeat after me: The Pulitzer Prize is very prestigious. They wouldn’t give it to newspapers who were perpetrating a hoax out of political malice. 
Q: Yes, of course, they don’t just give Pulitzer Prizes for… no, no, no, no. This is nonsense. The Pulitzer is just as corrupt as the Times and the Post. And what about how the media covered COVID. They made a hero out of Anthony Fauci while he was covering up his own role in the deaths of millions, then demonized far better doctors who were trying to get out the truth.
A: Look at my watch, swinging back and forth on its chain. The media battled Right-wing misinformation to bring Americans the truth about COVID.
Q: Yes, yes, I see now. Our news media is totally honest and has been doing a great job. Thank you, Swami Umami.
A: You’re welcome. Now, just relax. Let go of all your freedoms. And quack like a duck.
* * *
This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “<a href="https://www.dailywire.com/show/the-andrew-klavan-show" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Andrew Klavan Show</a>.”
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.
Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. Follow him on X: @andrewklavan
Klavan is the bestselling author of numerous books, including the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The fourth installment, “<a href="https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1613165536?ref_=dbs_m_mng_rwt_calw_thcv_3&amp;storeType=ebooks" target="_blank" rel="noopener">A Woman Underground.</a>” His most recent nonfiction release is “<a href="https://www.amazon.com/Kingdom-Cain-Finding-Literature-Darkness/dp/0310368340/?_encoding=UTF8&amp;pd_rd_w=nMYjR&amp;content-id=amzn1.sym.bc3ba8d1-5076-4ab7-9ba8-a5c6211e002d&amp;pf_rd_p=bc3ba8d1-5076-4ab7-9ba8-a5c6211e002d&amp;pf_rd_r=133-8344803-2786917&amp;pd_rd_wg=7a8J3&amp;pd_rd_r=5791ea0f-6d96-4732-9d6a-3a4e6b348bb5&amp;ref_=aufs_ap_sc_dsk" target="_blank" rel="noopener">The Kingdom of Cain: Finding God in the Literature of Darkness.</a>” (May 2025, Zondervan/HarperCollins).

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Ep. 1229 - CONKLAVAN

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