The following is the opening satirical monologue from “The Andrew Klavan Show.”
You know, every now and then, I think it’s important to step back from the hurly-burly argle-bargle of political jingle-jangle and take a looky-shnooky at the stinking-thinking of the other sidey-widey.
After all, no one is correct all the time. Sometimes, we on the political Right can become so passionate about preserving our inherited liberties that we overlook the legitimate concerns of demonic hellspawn who want to slaughter babies and sexually mutilate children while at the same time replacing the capitalist engine of free societies with a socialist system that has reduced civilizations to rubble and slavery wherever it’s been tried.
Surely, these leftists have SOMETHING to contribute to our national life. Tie-dyed t-shirts are very nice for instance. Especially if you wash your car by hand and need something to dry it off with. Leftists have also liberated women from the restricted existence of homemaking and motherhood so they can explore a wider world of almost infinite regret and depression. And what about rap music and hip-hop? Without rap’s monotonous rhythms, foul-mouthed lyrics, crappy values and misogyny, we’d have no other way to degrade the lives of black people except welfare and the public school system? So… that’s a Left wing contribution too.
Anyway, in order to bring Americans together… with leftists… I sometimes like to explore those areas where Right and Left can find common ground.
One example? Both Right and Left understand that free speech is one of the foundational values that uphold American liberty. Indeed, leftists are so committed to preserving their freedom of speech that if anyone else tries to speak, they immediately set out to stop them.
In addressing free speech, the Left has three main areas of concern.
One. Book Banning. Let’s say a few small-minded parents force an elementary school to remove a perfectly reasonable book of homosexual pornography from the library’s lower shelves and put it on a higher shelf where only third graders can reach it. This is what the Left calls book banning, and it must be opposed in the name of free speech and homosexual pornography. In the same way, when Ryan Anderson wrote a book in opposition to the transgender movement, Left wing activists selflessly took time out from threatening the lives of Matt Walsh and his family to insure Amazon dropped Anderson’s book from their store — which, of course, is NOT book banning because you can still get Anderson’s book in any dark alley where books are sold by people trying to avoid being assaulted by Left wing activists.
Two. Misinformation. Now of course, to most of us, “Misinformation” is just the harmless winner of a beauty contest where bearded women with penises parade onstage in tuck-friendly bikinis. But no, misinformation is actually a serious problem and it must be suppressed in order for free speech to thrive. During the last presidential election, for instance, when Hunter Biden’s laptop revealed a network of Biden family corruption that possibly reached to candidate Joe Biden himself, now-secretary of state Antony Blinken arranged for over fifty former CIA spies to tar the laptop as Russian misinformation and, with the help of a vigilant news media, that Russian misinformation was suppressed before anyone could find out it was true. So you can see why the Left feels it’s very important to suppress misinformation. If it’s true.
Finally, three, violence. Now there is some speech the Left believes should not be free, and that is speech that is actually violence. Right wing speech, for instance, is violence. You can tell Right wing speech is violence because whenever Right wingers try to speak, Left wingers physically attack them. Now you may say: but wait, that’s Left wing violence. Ah ha, but you see, violence is how the Left expresses itself, so their violence is actually a form of speech. Once you understand that Right wing speech is violence and Left wing violence is speech, it then becomes clear that the Left supports free speech as long as it’s violence and opposes violence as long as it’s speech just as they wish to suppress misinformation whenever it’s information and oppose book banning only so long as it doesn’t involve banning books, which they support, because if you don’t ban books, it leads to the spread of misinformation who, let’s face it, looks absolutely ridiculous in that bikini.
Andrew Klavan is the host of The Andrew Klavan Show at The Daily Wire. A popular political satirist and Hollywood screenwriter, Klavan is also an award-winning novelist. His newest novel is A Strange Habit of Mind, book two in the Cameron Winter Mystery series.
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.