Meet the greatest Olympian since Orsippus: Elizabeth Swaney, a 33-year-old mediocre American skier who qualified for the 2018 Olympic Games in PyeongChang by exploiting a loophole in Hungary.
Swaney’s half-pipe run on Monday involved one quasi-trick, no air, and a last-place finish. She frequently did not clear the top of the half-pipe. She qualified for the Olympics by leveraging her grandparents’ Hungarian birth to attend International Ski Federation World Cup events, where she regularly finished among the top 30 skiers because fewer than 30 skiers showed up to compete.
International Ski Federation judge Steele Spence told The Denver Post, “She would compete in [events] consistently over the last couple years and sometimes girls would crash so she would not end up dead last.” Alas, Swaney’s dearth of skill caught up with her on Monday, when he finished her second run in last place.
In an Olympics that has garnered fawning media coverage for a murderous dictatorship and featured some empty-head punk dishonestly attacking on the Vice President of the United States on foreign soil, Swaney’s accomplishment is a breath of fresh air. The mainstream media have long used the games as an excuse to bash the United States and praise other countries’ totalitarian regimes, which may explain why viewers are increasingly tuning them out. On Monday, Swaney demonstrated pure American gumption and trolled the entire world.
Watch the most enjoyable Olympic display in millennia here: