Here Comes The 2024 Election, Like A Rocket Blazing Toward America
USA nuclear warhead launch - modern strategic nuclear rocket weapons concept on blue sky background, military industrial 3D illustration with flag
Getty Images.

As the November election rockets toward us like a rocket that will explode and scatter our bodies and possibly even our souls over a gore-spattered kill-zone that used to be America until it was hit by a rocket, it’s time for us to ask ourselves: what are the choices we should be thinking about as we writhe in a strangling paroxysm of mutual hatred and rage until we’re hit by the November election as if it were a rocket?

First, there’s the candidates themselves. On one side, we have Joe Biden. And hey, let’s say something positive about our president. I mean, sure, he’s a lifeless body that’s been horrifically re-animated for political gain, but at least he doesn’t eat people’s brains, so it’s better than having an actual zombie in the White House, although that might be kind of cool, too, like, if he was shuffling aimlessly around the Rose Garden muttering incoherently with his mouth hanging open and his eyes glazed — but then he’s doing that already, so you get all the great zombie effects without the actual eating of brains. So hooray for Joe Biden.

On the other side, you have Donald Trump. And of course, there are plenty of positive things to say about Donald Trump. We know that because he’s said most of them. Which proves he’s still alive, so at least he’s not Joe Biden.

Then there are the issues. And yes, I don’t care what they are either, but let’s take a look anyway.

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Number One, there’s abortion. Joe Biden is a devout Catholic so of course he believes in a blood-drenched mass slaughter of millions of innocent babies up to and including the moment of their birth, after which they can be mutilated into flesh costumes of the opposite sex to appease the insane academic theories of sexual perverts, because Joe Biden is just so devout. Donald Trump believes that abortion should be left to the will of the people, so it could be like a TV game show where you hold up a baby and people give a thumbs up or a thumbs down and if it’s thumbs down, too bad for the baby, but he gets the board game version to take home as a consolation prize.

Then there’s the war in the Middle East. For Joe Biden, this is a matter of principle, and as soon as his base tells him what his principles are, he will stand squarely with Israel until that upsets the blood-thirsty pro-terrorist leftists who want to destroy Israel as a prelude to destroying America, then he’ll stand squarely with them. Donald Trump, on the other hand, is a friend to Israel, he just doesn’t want to say so too loudly, because that might upset the part of his base that’s a group of blood-thirsty pro-terrorist rightists who want to destroy Israel because that’s where the Jews are, and what good have Jews ever done besides developing aspirin, curing polio, building the bomb that defeated the Japanese in World War II and creating the American movie industry and musical comedy and quantum science and, okay, they also make great bespoke suits and wrote the Bible. But other than that, screw that, groypers know how to type in all caps.

And of course there’s the economy. Joe Biden believes he’s done a great job with the economy because he’s a shuffling, muttering zombie-like creature who doesn’t know what the hell’s going on, which is actually kind of comical until you have to spend your rent money to buy eggs. Donald Trump actually built a great economy during his first term but then he let it die when Anthony Fauci ran through the oval office with his hair on fire as he screamed, “Everyone’s going to die from Covid unless we kill the economy.” So if Trump wins reelection, my recommendation is that he reverse the process and set Fauci on fire first. Then he can build the economy and also cook up some smores, which are awfully good.

So that’s my incisive look at the candidates and issues in the upcoming election. You might want to print this out and take it with you into the voting booth, so when the rocket hits it won’t come as a complete surprise.

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Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. He is the bestselling author of the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The third installment, “The House of Love and Death,” is now available. Follow him on X: @andrewklavan

This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “The Andrew Klavan Show.”

The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.

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The Daily Wire   >  Read   >  Here Comes The 2024 Election, Like A Rocket Blazing Toward America