Many people have begun to worry about the state of American politics. They feel President Trump’s approval ratings have now dropped to 37% of the number of people in Eureka Springs, Arkansas, while the Democrat Party is being taken over by communists so that the country is careening helplessly into a fatal catastrophe that will leave us eating our pets for breakfast before we wage a Civil War that reduces the continent to a pool of blood and ashes. And, of course, all that’s true. But it’s no reason to panic. Well, it’s kind of a reason to panic. But if you just take a breath and then zoom in for a really close look at the situation, I think you’ll see a reason to panic really close, which hopefully will make it look like something else.
On the Republican side, the problem is the unpopular war in Iran. President Trump says he is holding off on hurling deadly missiles at Iran because he has managed to negotiate a peace deal with Iran’s supreme leader even though the leader is a Jew-hating Islamist whose slogan is “Death to America.” Iran’s supreme leader, however, says he hasn’t been negotiating with anyone, and the confused Trump is actually negotiating with a Democrat candidate for Congress, who is also a Jew-hating Islamist whose slogan is “Death to America,” so the mistake is understandable. Overall, the Iranians have sworn to continue to resist Trump’s attacks until the arrival of the apocalyptic Twelfth Imam, who is also a Democrat candidate for Congress. This means that Trump will have to continue hurling deadly missiles, except that we’re running out of deadly missiles so he may have to hurl something else deadly like Kamala Harris’s memoir or lettuce.
But while our munitions are running low, our military is trying to reform. Secretary of War Pete Hegseth was administering testosterone tests to the warriors until one of them lost his temper, beat the tester senseless, opened fire on his fellow soldiers with a machine gun, then sexually assaulted a female lieutenant while singing “God Bless the USA” at the top of his lungs, which fortunately, turned out to be the correct answer on the testosterone test.
With Trump distracted by the war, he hasn’t had a lot of free time in which to pressure Senate Majority Leader John Thune to, like, make a law or something, so Thune has been forced to find other ways to pass the time. To entertain himself, Thune has invented a new version of Charades in which the answer is always “A potted plant.” The way the game is played, Senate Majority Leader John Thune just stands there like a potted plant, and the other senators keep guessing that he’s Senate Majority Leader John Thune, until Thune reveals that, no, he’s actually a potted plant, whereupon everyone has a good laugh and goes on summer break.
With the Republicans in disarray, the Democrats have felt free to nominate congressional candidates who believe in socialism. The candidates are careful to explain that socialism is not the same as communism because in communism, millions of people starve to death while a leader with a bushy mustache shoots all his colleagues in the back of the head, whereas in socialism, there’s generally no bushy mustache.
The new Democrat candidates say their real platform is economic equality and hating Jews, and they’re all out of economic equality.
The new Democrats have found some common cause with former Right-wing figures like Tucker Carlson. Carlson has been subtly supporting the communists by interviewing such popular pro-communist celebrities as Satan. Tucker says that many Americans don’t realize that Satan actually loves Christians, especially with a little mustard and a smattering of relish, and he says Satan should not be silenced just because certain Zionist influencers are calling him Prince of Darkness, or because Prince of Darkness happens to be his official title. Tucker then let out that creepy high-pitched laugh of his, burst into flames and fell through the floor in a cloud of sulfurous smoke, increasing his audience by several million.
So I think it’s clear we can all avoid panicking about the state of American politics, if we just zoom in too close to see it properly, and then take heroin.
.png)
.png)
