Artificial intelligence doomers — those who believe AI will spell the end of mankind — have now identified the specific element that threatens our existence by imitating rational thought without actually producing rational thought, opening dangerous holes in our cybersecurity, and bypassing higher principles like patriotism and self-sacrifice. That fatal element, it turns out, is the human penis.
The revelation came in the wake of a scandal at Nvidia, the massive company that produces the essential chips that do something or other while using up all our water. The CEO of Nvidia, Jenson Huang, was forced to resign after he was found to be cheating on his wife, Lori Huang, with suspected Chinese spy Alice Huang. It’s a Huang story.
To his credit, when the affair was revealed, Mr. Huang immediately had AI issue what would have been a heartfelt apology, if AI had a heart. The apology said:
This Huang apologizes to Mrs. Huang and all the little Huangs for putting my huang in Ms. Huang, which was very huang — I mean, wrong. In part, I was confused because her name was the same as my wife’s name and all these Chinese women look alike. And sure, my wife isn’t Chinese, but it was dark at the time, and there were so many Huangs involved, I became disoriented. But to be honest, I don’t really know what I was thinking. I was seeking to be on my breast behavior — I mean, best behavior — and trying to create benefits of spectacular thighs — I mean, size — and I cannot imagine what power could have caused me to swerve from a righteous path to a path that was so smooth, so sleek, so undulant, warm and soft to the touch and with a faint scent of lilacs that drew me back to the springtime of my youth. How could I ever have known that a beautiful woman twenty years younger than myself was only sleeping with me in order to steal my company’s vitally important secrets? I thought she was just after my money. Now I find myself suspected of trying to open the Chinese market so President Xi would be able to do whatever the hell our chips do while they’re using up all our water. But in fact, I’d been trying to sell to China before I met Huang, just so I could make more Yuan, but then I found myself making Huang and making Yuan, while SHE was working for Xi, one of which turned out to be a pronoun, while the other was the enemy of freedom around the globe. Now, of course, when I no longer have an erection, I can see clearly that it’s huang to huang the huang Huang when SHE is with Xi. We are facing a yellow peril, and two Huangs don’t make it white.
News that a catastrophic security breach had been caused by the artificial intelligence of the human penis sent make-believe shockwaves through Washington, D.C. Socialist Senator Bernie Sanders, in a speech delivered to thousands and thousands of wildly cheering morons, declared:
The government must take over all artificial intelligence industries, because no one can run an industry like the government, unless it’s that guy on the street corner who thinks he’s talking to Venus through his tinfoil hat.
On the Republican side, Senate majority leader John Thune said he would like to respond to Sanders, but he didn’t have the votes, and anyway, he was busy studying to become a mime so he could perfect his imitation of an ashtray.
Despite evidence that President Trump had been aware of Huang’s affair with Huang, the President expressed sympathy for the former CEO, saying:
“On the one hand, we must not allow our technological innovation to fall behind China’s. On the other hand, those Asian girls know a lot of tricks, and some of the positions they can get into are unbelievable.”
Meanwhile, security experts are trying to figure out why they failed to uncover the greatest threat to national security when it was right there in their pants all along. One intelligence source, speaking on condition of anonymity, explained:
Our crack intelligence agencies were working hard to find the problem, but it escaped our notice because we thought it was pronounced wang.
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