In a fiery speech before the United Nations, President Trump declared that he is facing a stark choice: should he annihilate Iran and send it to hell, or should he do that to the news media?
Trump said that annihilating Iran would free its citizens from nearly half a century of oppression and put an end to that country’s funding of terrorism around the world, but that annihilating the news media would also be cool, especially seeing the look on Chuck Scarborough’s face when he walks out of the burning MS NOW building with his clothes in tatters and his face all black like Elmer Fudd when he’s trying to shoot Bugs Bunny, but Bugs bends his rifle barrel backwards just before Elmer pulls the trigger.
Pounding the podium during his speech, Trump said:
“It is impossible to make a deal with the Iranians because they are completely dishonest and governed by an insane ideology that has no correlation to reality. No, wait, that’s the news media. No, I was right the first time; it’s Iran. No, I think it’s the news media. Which is the one with Kaitlan Collins?”
Though Trump has so far refrained from military action against the news media, he did recently ban CNN, MS NOW, and Politico from attending press conferences on the White House grounds because they keep printing false stories like the Russian collusion hoax and the fine-people-on-both-sides hoax.
Spokesmen for the three news outlets responded with a defiant statement saying they don’t care if they can’t attend White House press conferences, since they’re making up most of this hoax crap anyway, and can do that just as well sitting at home in their Hello Kitty pajamas, which make them feel like they’re in a warm, cuddly, loving environment instead of in America, where everyone hates them.
News Media spokeswoman Karen Bias told a CNN reporter also named Karen Bias that the president’s criticism of the network was unfair. Bias told Bias:
“All we are trying to do is warn Americans that Trump is colluding with the Russians and thinks there are fine people in the Nazis, which would be really terrible if it were true instead of made up, because the Nazis are violent, race-obsessed Jew haters in cahoots with America’s enemies. No, wait, that’s the Democrat Party. No, it’s the Nazis. No, it’s definitely the Democrat Party… No, wait. Which is the one with Kaitlan Collins?”
To retaliate against Trump for banning them from the White House, CNN, Politico, and MS NOW vowed to stop giving Trump the on-camera coverage they know he craves. So while Trump spoke at the U.N., declaring he was tired of the war in Ukraine because it had used up so many drones there were none left at Best Buy, CNN ran counter programming, including an old episode of Teletubbies in which Tinky-Winky and Dipsy cheer up the Sun Baby by tickling him under the chin, after which Tinky-Winky reveals that he’s homosexual, screaming, “Look at me, for the love of God! I’m a lavender fairy with a triangle on my head! What the hell did you think I was? Just listen to the way I talk, for crying out loud. I can’t live this lie anymore!” after which he broke down sobbing and the episode had to be brought to an abrupt conclusion.
Likewise, while Trump was reaching out to Cuba with a generous offer to grind them under his heel, devour their soul, and spit out the crushed ashes of their communist oppression, CNN, MS NOW, and Politico were airing full live coverage of “RuPaul’s Drag Race All-Stars,” starring Tinky-Winky, who’s trying to make a comeback after the whole Teletubbies disaster, which ended with the Sun Baby dying tragically by his own hand.
Vice President JD Vance announced afterward:
“I am going to try to broker an agreement between Trump and the News Media just as soon as the news media gives up its ideology of conquest, antisemitism, and mass murder. Or wait, maybe that’s the Iranians. No, sorry, it’s the Nazis. No, no, it’s the Iranians. Wait, no, it’s the Nazis. Which is the one with Kaitlan Collins?”
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