Elon Musk Builds Rockets To Mars. Leftists Pioneer Queer Anarchist Drag Shows.

Every day in America, science is on the march.

Elon Musk is building global satellite networks, amazing Earth vehicles, and rockets that will take us through the solar system despite the daunting challenges of space, time, and Leftists trying to put Musk in prison for allowing conservatives to speak their minds on X. But leftists are also making their contribution with impressive strides in such sciences as psychology and … other psychology.

The American Psychological Association recently held a conference featuring such workshops as “Cisteria! A Psychoanalysis Against Anti-Trans Panic,” “Fragments of a Queer Anarchist Psychoanalysis,” “Abolish the Family,” and “Feel the Effing Fantasy: Drag, Desire, and Queer Theory,” a workshop that ended with a drag show. Future topics will include studies of such pressing psychological problems as “proximity to whiteness” and “colonial domination.”

Now I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, oh, Klavan, you fabulously funny fantasist of anti-factual felicities — or words to that effect — how on earth do you ever come up with these nonsensical imaginings that no one in his right mind could possibly believe and yet which make us laugh with such abandon that we feel we’re in some magical city named Hilariopolis in the country of Uproaria in the bowels of a fiery hell?

But no, my friends! I am not making this up. Every one of those workshop topics was described in a Wall Street Journal article written by evolutionary biologist Colin Wright and clinical psychologist Andrew Hartz.

They write that an Education Department advisory board has recommended suspending the American Psychological Association’s power to accredit psychologists on the basis that the Association’s members are not only crazier than chimpanzee subjects of an LSD experiment being run by escaped lab rats, but they’re antisemitic to boot.

APA President Dr. Tiffany Balderdash angrily dismissed these accusations in a speech to an intimate gathering of her closest imaginary friends, saying, “Studying psychology is not just about studying things like psychology; it also means taking a closer look at the marginalization and oppression of intersectional cohorts of coordinativa colonspengal garuntis holocoloforma granger calagootha beena ding ding ding wacka wacka.”

Dr. Balderdash, who is also the author of the James Talarico biography titled, “And I Thought I was Crazy,” then excused herself from the imaginary meeting, saying she had to catch a plane to Paris, where she planned to declare herself emperor of France.

American Psychological Association Spokesman Dr. Frederick Castrati says the APA refuses to be intimidated by the Trump Administration and plans to boldly defy Trump’s attempts to force them into alignment with rational thought, realism, or the obvious facts of life.

Dr. Castrati says the important work of the APA will continue with upcoming conferences on such subjects as “Building a Better Tomorrow Through Inciting Virulent Rage over Absolute Nonsense,” and “Hey, Maybe You Really Are Jesus.” There will also be clinical demonstrations of therapeutic techniques, such as leading the patient to a peak of hysterical catharsis, waiting until her sobs subside, then leaning over in the therapist’s chair and whispering quietly, “It’s because of the Jews.”

The APA will also be hosting a lecture by the highly respected Dr. Helen Bombastic on the subject of female psychology. Dr. Bombastic is renowned for her study on the biological processes that help strong, independent, feminist women transform into overgrown thumb-sucking infants with no responsibility for their own decisions after they wake up in bed with three guys wearing hockey masks and have vague memories of waving a Stetson over their heads and screaming, “I’m going to ride this cowboy’s rocket to the moon!”

Dr. Bombastic is also the author of several influential columns for The New York Times, a former newspaper, including “Why Not Try an Orgy Then Blame Men When You Regain Consciousness,” and “No Means No, and Yes Means No, and Several Other Words Mean No, Especially After You Find Out Everyone Thinks You’re a Slut.”

And so I think we can safely say we’ve entered a golden age of science, with Elon Musk helping us travel to Mars, and the American Psychological Association helping us travel to the planet Ga-noo-noo-Bing-Bong where there’s no gravity, logic, common sense, or anything else besides the headquarters of the American Psychological Association.