1. ‘Wonderful Christmastime’ — Paul McCartney
Hot take alert. Paul McCartney is one of the most overrated figures in music history. If John Lennon is Shakespeare, then Paul McCartney is a twelve-year old amateur poet who only just learned how to read and write. Rivaled only by the monotonous drivel that is “Hey Jude” (which feels like 4 minutes of la-la-las or na-na-nas), “Wonderful Christmastime” pads out the lazy lyrics with more McCartney noises. Ding dong, ding dong. Ding dong, ding, ooh, ooh.
2. ‘Baby, It’s Cold Outside’ — John Legend and Kelly Clarkson
After woke-scolds decided that the original “Baby, It’s Cold Outside” was actually a dark tale of sexual assault, John Legend brought us a version far better suited for the vapid, emotionless, and sexually sanitized times we now occupy. While Cardi B’s WAP is celebrated, “Baby, It’s Cold Outside” is torn apart with timeless lines like “I’ve got to go away (but, I can call you a ride),” and “My mom will start to worry (I’ll call the car and tell him to hurry),” telling the tale of the modern man who just can’t wait for his sexual interest to leave as quickly as possible.
3. ‘I Wish It Could Be Christmas Everyday’ — Wizzard
Wizzard’s “I Wish It Could Be Christmas Everyday” is a central song on many Christmas albums. While its core philosophy is understandable from the position of a naive child, it’s absurd for an adult to wish that Christmas could happen time after time, day after day, year after year, forever. The food costs alone would drive most into bankruptcy, world economies would shudder to a halt, and people would soon suffocate under an endless shower of gifts. Once a year is more than enough, thank you.
4. ‘All I Want For Christmas Is You’ — Mariah Carey
The majority of my hatred for Mariah Carey’s now cliched “All I Want For Christmas Is You” is based on its inescapable connection with Love Actually, which has bizarrely become a Christmas staple which stars every British actor…ever. However, the song is dreadful in isolation, with the hilariously patronizing “I don’t want a lot for Christmas…All I want for Christmas is you.” Charming.
5. ‘Do They Know It’s Christmas?’ — Band Aid
Nothing exemplifies the wonder and magic of Christmas more than a collection of multi-millionaire atheists congratulating each other on demanding that others feed the world. While the context of the song is certainly commendable — raising money for and awareness of a famine in Ethiopia — it’s dripping with elitist condescension, decrying that “nothing ever grows” and “no rain nor rivers flow” in Africa, a continent with a land area of 11.7 million square miles, and home to the longest river in the world.
Ian Haworth is host of The Ian Haworth Show and The Truth in 60 Seconds. Follow him on Twitter at @ighaworth.
The views expressed in this opinion piece are the author’s own and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.