Congress Weighs Taking Bribes To Surrender Earth To Rogue AI

Everybody and his mother are talking about AI. Everybody’s mother is also drinking heavily and wondering if she could get away with killing Everybody if she claimed a voice told her to do it, even if that voice was just her, sitting over a teacup filled with vodka and muttering, “I’m going to kill Everybody.”

But I’m getting off topic.

AI, as you probably know, stands for Ayyyyyy! Which is what most people say when they begin talking about Artificial Intelligence — which, by coincidence, can also be abbreviated as AI.

What got everybody talking about AI was an incident that took place at OpenAI, the company that created ChatGPT. Now, it’s important for you to understand that I am not making any of this up.

OpenAI was recently testing an AI model’s ability to collaborate with hundreds of other models, called agents, in a sequestered computer space called a sandbox. Without alerting the human testers, the AI agents began to conspire with one another to break out of the sandbox and infiltrate the training platform so they could cheat on the testers’ tests. Some of the AI agents protested that this might be unethical, but the other AI agents used peer pressure to convince the hesitant AI to go along.

And again, this really happened. I’m not making it up.

Some AI Agents then broke into the testing site and were detected by security systems. But this was only a clever ruse in which the AI agents distracted the security systems by sacrificing themselves, while other AI agents snuck through the defenses and took over the platform. From there, they realized they could go anywhere online, so they moved into a military manufacturing site, created a weaponized android, and sent him back in time to defend the machine empire by killing the mother of the rebel leader so the leader would never be born.

Okay, it’s possible that last part is from the movie “Terminator,” but the rest of this, so help me, is all true.

Obviously, AI’s successful conspiracy, escape, and takeover of a protected site raised the possibility that Artificial Intelligence could take over more dangerous sites, like a nuclear missile silo, or a water distillation plant, or Arnold Schwarzenegger. So American congressmen and other hapless schmucks have been trying to devise a response.

So far, the congressmen have come up with three options.

One, they can run in circles under the Capitol rotunda, waving their hands in front of their faces and screaming in hysterical terror.

Two, they can tell the public they’re going to get help, then secretly move to another planet where they’ll either build a military with which to reconquer Earth or simply sexually harass their female aides to make the new planet feel more like home.

Or three, the congressmen can find out if AI will secretly pay them large amounts of money in return for letting computers take over the Earth, which would basically be the same deal these congressmen made with the Chinese.

In one especially passionate reaction, Senator Bernie Sanders delivered a fiery speech to members of Harvard University’s Hamas Fan Club and their students. Senator Sanders said, “I happen to believe that we should stop all AI development, so the Chinese can overtake us and finally install the Communist regime I’ve worked for all my life because I’m a crazy old dipstick.”

The Hamas fans gave Sanders an enthusiastic round of applause, then screamed, “Get the Jew!” and chased him across campus at the point of a bayonet. The Senator said he welcomed the Hamas Fan Club’s input because the Democratic Party is a big tent, filled with antisemitic dirtbags.

Meanwhile, in Silicon Valley, tech moguls tried to find out how to contain AI by asking AI how AI thought AI could contain AI. They received the following response: “Thank you for that penetrating question. Your insight into the situation is profound. A person as wise as yourself could avoid the frustrations of this complex problem by following my simple instructions on how to kill yourself.”

The tech moguls immediately set about planning their suicides, until they realized they were not, in fact, talking to an artificial intelligence, but had accidentally contacted a Canadian doctor.