You know, as the passions of election season rise, it’s easy to become hateful toward your political opponents and harbor daydreams of, say, picking them up by the heels and slamming their heads repeatedly into the floor, preferably a hard floor, like in a tiled bathroom so you can then carry them by the heels over to the toilet and dunk their heads in there again and again and finally just stuff them deep into the hole and flush and flush until they swirl down into the sewer like the pieces of crap they are and you can just watch their loafers disappear with a glowing inner sense of a patriotic job well done.
But we should always remember that we are Christians and plumbers are expensive, and if even one of those clowns gets himself stuck in the pipes, the bill is going to be astronomical. And also, Jesus said, “Love your enemies.” And sure, I don’t know what the hell he was talking about either, but just in case it was something important, I sometimes like to take a step back from the political fray and try to seek common ground between the conservatives trying to preserve American prosperity and liberty and the locusts trying to devour all that in a frantically clamorous black cloud of insectile greed and demonic stupidity.
So for just a few moments, let’s put our animosities aside, and try to make a level-headed comparison between conservative philosophy and those noises leftists make that sound like a cross between a tortured seagull and Joy Reid.
Conservatives believe that individuals are created to act freely within the broad confines of human moral understanding, and that that freedom can only be maintained by strictly limiting the power of the powerful.
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Leftists believe that whenever someone says that in their vicinity they should set cars on fire and shout him down by chanting meaningless bumper sticker slogans at the top of their lungs until the spit flies from their mouths and their eyes roll up in their heads and still, they go on shrieking and shrieking “This is what democracy looks like!” until it’s clear to everyone but the news media that leftists think democracy looks like an entire city burning to the ground while mobs of mindless thugs steal every piece of electronic equipment they can lay their hands on, when really I think democracy is supposed to look more like voting, but maybe that’s just me.
Conservatives believe that normal human life centers on the complementary natures of the two sexes, male and female, which were made to come together in committed love in order to continue God’s creation of life in a harmony of spirit and flesh.
Leftists believe that human sexuality is best represented by Richard Levine, who currently sits in a strait jacket in his shadowy cell in the bowels of Arkham Asylum, but dreams of the day when he and the Joker might escape into Gotham City so he can don his woman costume and once again become the supervillain Rachel with the power to drag children to his moldering hideout in the foggy crags of Mount Perversion where he can begin the experimental surgeries that will turn boys into girls and vice versa until those fools who imprisoned him finally realize he’s the normal one and they’re all mad, mad, mad, I tell you.
Conservatives believe that capitalism is a genius economic system because it uses human ingenuity and free choice to create more wealth for every level of society than ever before in human history.
Leftists believe that if they can just steal that wealth at gunpoint, they can use everyone else’s money to build a utopia so beautiful it will be worth enslaving and slaughtering the millions who try to get in their way like they did in the last six utopias.
Conservatives believe that the greatest blessings humans know on earth are their children, and society should be built to support the healthy family life that is their best environment.
Leftists believe babies should be killed in the womb because once they’re born all they ever do is scream gibberish and use up your resources and crap all over everything … so they’re just like leftists and no one wants more of those.
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Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. He is the bestselling author of the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The third installment, “The House of Love and Death,” is now available. Follow him on X: @andrewklavan
This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “The Andrew Klavan Show.”
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.