Comparing Conservative Philosophy To Those Noises Leftists Make

You know, as the passions of election season rise, it’s easy to become hateful toward your political opponents and harbor daydreams of, say, picking them up by the heels and slamming their heads repeatedly into the floor, preferably a hard floor, like in a tiled bathroom so you can then carry them by the heels over to the toilet and dunk their heads in there again and again and finally just stuff them deep into the hole and flush and flush until they swirl down into the sewer like the pieces of crap they are and you can just watch their loafers disappear with a glowing inner sense of a patriotic job well done.

But we should always remember that we are Christians and plumbers are expensive, and if even one of those clowns gets himself stuck in the pipes, the bill is going to be astronomical. And also, Jesus said, “Love your enemies.” And sure, I don’t know what the hell he was talking about either, but just in case it was something important, I sometimes like to take a step back from the political fray and try to seek common ground between the conservatives trying to preserve American prosperity and liberty and the locusts trying to devour all that in a frantically clamorous black cloud of insectile greed and demonic stupidity.